AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

I agree with the poster who said cold and callous, you’re talking about it as though you accidentally spilled coffee on someone’s sofa or something, like whoops I slept with my friend’s husband!

It has been a long time but maybe she’s had trouble trusting anyone ever since, maybe she’s had difficulty with relationships and friendships. She obviously hasn’t moved on or she wouldn’t be asking to meet up so maybe it would be the right thing to do.

I would block her on social media and as cruel as it sounds erase her from my life.

I’m going to the wedding of a friend this year who’s relationship started with an affair,
Im not going to be judge and jury on anyone’s life.

Everyone is being quite hard on you. Obviously you were in the wrong but that's not constructive right now, years after the event, so I hope you're not taking it to heart!

Is hubby ok with you going? It's definitely something you should discuss, he shouldn't be blindsided by the past being raked up for you. But I think I would go. It's not for you, but it's still playing on her mind and so it's still affecting her life. If you can at least ease her pain by simply listening to some bad words and dredging up feelings for a little while, I think it's worth it.

You may feel there is nothing left to say but clearly she does. I think you owe her that personally. She was big enough to congratulate you on your son, it doesn't sound like she harbours ill will but maybe needs closure.

She probably did want to ask questions at the start but was too angry, hurt etc. surely you can understand that she wouldn't want to talk at the begining and it sounds like she was hurt so badly it's taken her 11 years to feel ready to talk.

If you genuinely are sorry for the pain you have caused her, I'd be willing to meet her if it helps her in anyway

Sorry if someone’s already asked, but has she moved on / met someone / had kids? Something is probably going on in her life to make her need closure on you after so many years.

The OP doesn’t seem particularly remorseful which is presumably what the ex is looking for

You don’t need to know what she’s got to say. That’s the point isn’t it. None of us would ever bother talking if we all knew what each other had to say.

You’re making an assumption on how I view my actions but alright I am not here to argue. I know how I feel about my own actions it’s not something I am proud of at all and I’ve done the work its been 11 years I am not in counselling anymore but I don’t think my therapist would recommend for me to see her but who knows.

I can't see the point of meeting her. It will just stir up old feelings and probably end badly, which will upset you both when all of this happened long ago. You have a child now, married so enjoy your life.

I’m also not sure what I can even say I don’t have anything to say and I am not going to keep apologised I apologised and took accountability for my part to play in the affair. I understand what I did but also it’s been 11 years.

I wonder if your husband has jumped into bed with an old mutual friend, and they’ve told her. So she wants to tell you. That would be quite a good moment for her.

With great difficulty.

This happened to me but they don’t have a five year old.

You lose em how you got em. Good luck, OP.

I suspect she may have some information about your DH.

It’s your decision whether you go or not, but I would be wondering if I was you.

Perhaps you would prefer not to know

She probably is going through something and wants to know what went wrong in their relationship so he looked somewhere else, what went wrong in the friendship so you didn't care at the time, etc. She might be wondering whether she's to blame for any part of it, for example. She might have experienced something similar and wants to understand if there's any part of "if it keeps happening to you, maybe look inside you". It sounds like she's been reminiscing for any reason. It could be that she needs to understand what went wrong, it could be that she needs to have closure to move on, it could be that she's in bad health and wants to forgive or say things that were unsaid or whatever. She is clearly looking for closure of some kind the fact that you don't have anything left to say doesn't mean that it's the same for her. She might have things to say, she might have things to ask, she might have things she wants to hear. I would meet, to be honest. Considering what it happened and that you are not proud of it, I would do everything I could to give her some relief and closure. She's asking to meet, so that's what she needs.

But isn't the point here that morally you owe her the simple favour of meeting up if that is what she believes is best for HER - regardless of what your therapist or anyone else would say is best for you. This is not about you. You did something so bad to her that you really profoundly owe her, so if she asks something of you that is in your power to do, you do it.

Weird she would get in touch after so long. Maybe she’s having an affair with your husband.

Maybe that’s the case ahaha. I mean he knows she wants to meet up and has said I can meet up if I want to or not it’s my decision at the end of the day. She tried meeting up with him a couple years after the divorce he said no it’s best they just both move on with their lives but that was when he was in counselling.

Maybe she is

Maybe that’s the case her messages seem to decipher something different but I’m not really wondering about that why should I

He needs luck too if that’s the case. I was in a relationship at the time as well I was very different person back then so was he.

Your ex-friend’s issues and need for closure are for her to work out in counselling imo, after this many years. I doubt your therapist would advise you to meet up with her at this point either.

Oh this is awful. I feel so bad for that woman.

You ruined her life. Betrayed her. Took away all her confidence, trust and self worth. Well, you both did. You and the pig of a husband. It’s possible she will never ever get over it. She will forever be searching for answers and try and make sense of how it happened. Yes, even after all these years. Yes, even after you and husband have moved on from the period. It’s obvious she hasn’t.

What’s best going forwards is for you and your husband to completely block her. Please block all ways of her being able to contact you both. Block her number and block her on social media too.

I agree with you that there’s nothing for you to say. But surely if you have even a teeny tiny little bit of empathy and respect for her you’d understand how broken she must be.

So please do the decent thing and block her. She isn’t going to remove the bandaid so please just do it for her.

Because he's shown he has the capacity to cheat? To come home to a wife and act "normal" and tell lies to her face about where he has been? To scope out a new relationship to see if it might be a better fit for him before leaving the security of the one he's currently in? I would always be wondering... Surely that's baked into this situation?

Your DH is probably screwing one of your "friends" now if his past behaviour is anything to go by. Will you want them to answer all your questions in due course? Let that be your guide.

Well I guess I’m foolish then because I don’t think about that. I was in relationship at the time too not married though I doubt he thinks about my capacity to cheat. If he’s that worried he should leave say way if I was that worried I would leave.