AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

No I wouldn’t after 11 yrs this is based on what I know about myself.

Did your husband previously cheat with your friend? If not, you don’t know how you’d feel. You don’t seem able to see anything from anyone else’s perspective at all.

She’d not to blame. We are to blame for what happened.

You keep repeating that you can’t keep “constantly apologizing” or “spend your life repenting” but that’s nonsense, isn’t it? You haven’t seen or spoken to her in 11 years, she hasn’t in any way asked you to “spend your life” doing anything “constantly”.

She’s asked you to meet once to discuss something she’s had trouble moving on from. Even if you can’t imagine what she has to say or ask, it seems like she knows and doesn’t want to be fobbed off.

You are wildly exaggerating what this woman is asking of you in order to justify denying her a conversation that she feels she needs.

Two conversations in a little over a decade isn’t much of a penance for fucking up her life, is it now?

That’s true you are right. I’ll wait to experience it before I comment on how I’d feel or react.

I didn’t wish him luck since he wasn’t the OP. But fair point.

OP’s husband, good luck.

Studies show 75% or more of marriages that start between affair partners fail. I’m not talking “at” you out of my own bitterness. I’m telling you the science and I wished you luck.

Your actions towards his ex don’t show much empathy, but that’s just the interpretation of me and 50+% of commenters in this thread. We could easily be wrong.

If you’ve developed some empathy since you betrayed her, good for you. It’s really not mine to judge, as only you can know your motivations.

What you did was awful. What he did was possibly worse.

But you're a different person now, you've apologised and you mean it.

What could you possibly say that will make her feel better? I think there is nothing and she would come away from the meeting even more upset.

I'd say don't do it.

Your therapist.

You don't. It really REALLY fucks you up, for a long long long time.
I genuinely hope my ex-friend rots for what she done to me and the fact that OP's ex-friend is still holding on to this after a decade, speaks volumes.

Yes but she’s going to blame herself isn’t she?

“Why wasn’t I good enough?”
“What did I do wrong?”
“What have I done to deserve this?”

You know, the types of questions we ask ourselves when the people who’re meant to love us the most betray us in the most devastating way.

Perhaps you haven’t been on the receiving end of such devastation though 🤷🏼‍♀️

I agree. I do not think there is anything that can be said face to face that will make this situation better.

I would meet her. She might have something to say about your husband. But then again I doubt he would wanting you meeting her if that's the case. Or she may just miss your friendship and wants to catch up and shes moved on.

Yes you are right and I agree there’s science behind it I’m not going to argue with science or evidence based research. I didn’t come here to argue at all.

He might not know she knows!

She did say she misses the friendship. I don’t think we can be friends she’ll never be able to trust me again and I do not blame her. I don’t want to cause anymore harm or remind her of the harm I have caused.

But she DOES think it could help her to meet up - or she wouldn't be asking. And what she wants should carry more weight than what you think. She is asking so little of you.

You've repeated a few times that you believe you have changed, but you centred yourself and your own wants when you betrayed her by having a 9 month affair with her husband, and you are centring yourself and your own wants again now if you don't agree to her request to meet up.

If she were a friend I would have tried to dissuade her from contacting the affair partner of her ex. It’s just not healthy and though what you did was wrong, I agree that you do not owe her this.

I would write her a brief note and then block her. Something like:

“Ann, there is no good way for me to make amends to you for my past betrayal of our friendship and your marriage. I deeply regret the impact it had on you and would make different choices if I could go back. But I don’t feel it would be healthy for us to discuss it further. I hope you can make peace with that. I wish you all the best, Suzie.”

You seem to have a good perspective on your past, and you don’t have to continue to revisit it.

How close friends were you?

Say her husband had cheated with someone else, would you have been so close that you would have been the friend she came to for support after she found out her husband was having an affair? Or were you more like acquaintances, or just friendly but no great mates, or only friends because of other mutual friends?

The whole way you described the start of the affair with your friend’s husband is really disgraceful. If that kind of behaviour is normal for you then I find it a stretch that you have any remorse whatsoever.

Who have you been constantly apologising to for all these years ? I think you are lying about that. Do you mean you have been feeling guilty and crying to your therapist about how “you can’t help who you fall in love with”. Boo hoo Cause you can actually not choose to start shagging your mates husbands despite what you may have tried to convince yourself of.

You have no intention of meeting her.

Was she a close friend? I mean. It’s pretty awful but shit happens. You can’t spend forever apologising and miserable but perhaps if she was a close friend I would have a phone call or something. But it really isn’t something you NEED to do. I wonder why she suddenly wants this after so long?

I think you’ll get a lot of hate on here because you sound so blasé about it 😆.
If you regret the betrayal and have changed for the better then that’s great and you deserve to be happy. Women always get a lot more hate for this.

Agree with this. They didn’t have kids so no particular reason to still be in touch, it was a betrayal (more from his part let’s not forget) but honestly raking over these old coals will do no good to anyone.

This

I don't think you deserve to be happy. Not one bit. I wish nothing but terrible things on people like you and your scumbag husband. No, I'm not the wife whose life has been destroyed by people she loved, but I do have a friend who departed earlier than she should have because of people just like you.

I agree I’m not here to say I deserve great things what I did was wrong.

Definitely wouldn’t meet up but I’d ask her what she needs to know and maybe write a letter to give her closure.