AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

So why are you here seeking validation for not having the guts to meet up with her? Maybe all those years ago she couldn't look you in the face without wanting to rip it off, now she feels she needs answer. You're simply too much of a coward to face up to what you've done, as well as the shitbag you call your husband.

It was wrong but this wrong thing you did is not all there is to you. You don’t have to carry this eternally.

You say you can't keep apologising, but have you ever actually apologised properly? You know, something along the lines of "I am sorry that I behaved like an utter cunt, that I fucked your husband when you thought we were best friends, traumatising you so badly that you've never been able to trust another human being again. I am sorry for destroying your marriage, your future, and your happiness. I recognise that I acted like a total shit, and that no sane person could ever expect you to forgive me."

I think if she wants to meet up you should because you owe her. She was the innocent, wronged party. It may be uncomfortable for you, it may not bring her peace or the answers she hopes for but it's what she is asking.

This is pretty balanced advice.

I agree with others, a flat “no” just seems like you haven’t changed at all, and you still just put your own wants and needs first.

Look just block her. She clearly isn’t strong enough to block you, and I don’t blame her.

If you don’t, then it looks like you’re enjoying the “drama” of it and perhaps feel a bit smug that this betrayed woman is contacting you for answers years later.

You have no intention of meeting her. So do the decent thing and block her so she can stop torturing herself and try to move on.

That is a bit harsh. And whilst I agree I hate people who do that I would never dwell on it and wish them misery for the rest of their lives when theres a child involved. And it has been a long time.

I did ask her that and she said as much as she is still hurt she does miss our friendship and she sent me a photo of us from 20 years ago. I didn’t know how to respond at all I found it quite difficult to read the message she said our son looks just like his dad and how he always wanted to have children as much as it hurts her he’s a cute boy and she’s happy for me. I’m not blasé about it I just don’t think I need to post every little thing that’s been said. She has asked me to think about meeting up. I just don’t think we can be friends again it’s been a long time and I know she can’t trust me what kind of friendship wouod it be anyway. I am married to her ex husband and we have a 5 year old son. She hasn’t had children so I don’t think It would be healthy for her at all.

Maybe she was owed this meeting 12 years ago or even 10, but that debt has long since expired.

I maintain that a healthy person would not ask for this and that it is likely to caused her further damage.

I could throw up reading your self justification. Simply despicable. Karma will get you one day.

I guess I just wanted a bit of an outlet I didn’t know how to respond to the messages they came out of the blue. I’m not here to be told that what I did is okay at all and I’m sorry if that’s the impression I’ve given. It’s an open forum for anyone to post surely that’s fine ?

I've sort of been there on both sides.

I think you should do something. It's huge thing for her to ask to meet you. If she misses your friendship she possibly wants closure on that as much as anything else.

Perhaps you could suggest a mediated discussion (with a professional mediator)?

I think the truth is OP, You probably don't really like her and may be you are worried that it could stir some jealousy knowing your husband has been with her. And that is understandable. Because you both cheated with each other in the past.

You can 100% say all of that in a face to face meeting. Nobody is saying you have to rekindle a friendship with her. But have the decency and guts to meet her face to face and gently have that conversation. Let her scream at you if she needs to. Apologise, even if you feel you have done so before. A photo from 20 years ago suggests this was a long, established friendship you betrayed.

I have no justification for it but I agree karma will

If I were you I would agree to meet once - in a location thats neutral to both of you. Eg a cafe in a park but not one that either of you regularly visit. Give her an hour and then depart. No more beyond that.

Hopefully that will give her the closure she is obviously seeking. I think as your former friend (before you and her husband chose yourselves instead of her!) an hour of your time isnt a big ask.

So she wants to meet up to rekindle your friendship watch you squirm not for closure ?

I just don’t get it. You think WERE a bad person back then, but you still ARE now! Refusing to talk to her after what you did to her ?

10 years ago when you treated your friend despicably she wasn’t in the right state of mind to ask you questions. She had a double whammy of losing her husband and friend because her friend decided it was a good idea to sleep with her husband. The she also ends up losing friends as well because you couldn’t even leave her with those. So basically you took everything.

You mention you went to therapy so perhaps this is the stage she is now at and finally after all these years she now wants to ask questions she couldn’t ask 10 years ago because of the way you and her husband acted

now You can’t give her a meeting to let her ask questions because you have moved on

you really are nasty

People do things they shouldn't do. They are flawed
OP did something very bad. It sounds like she's accountable for her actions and is remorseful. People deserve forgiveness.

I'm very sorry about your friend.

Honestly, given that you were friends, and you betrayed her trust, I would do this for her.
I would think that it was the least I could do, to give up a few hours of my life to give her the closure it seems she needs.

You can say that you feel you've moved on, that you came to terms with the harm you caused, and you want to remain moved on from those feelings, but equally you want to do whatever you can to help her move on from that was a very painful situation.

Kindness is something but equally, I would say that theres no way to rekindle the friendship so if she wanted to meet it would need to be a one time meeting. I would want distance from the ex marriage, affair etc from the family that you have created.

The friends have free will I left it as I was in the wrong they all came along after a while. There’s some that never fully came round which is understandable but they all send cards and gifts when we had our son.

She told me she did not want to speak to me again and that she will never contact me again. I respected that choice.

I have been In your situation as the woman scorned and totally get how she feels, she’s obviously not over it and I do totally agree with everything you have said. She’s clearly now mourning the friendship you once had which is tough however she needs to close that book.

I do miss my relationship with my ex-friend but I am glad their relationship ended up with marriage and children, the heartbreak I suffered wasn’t for no reason at all.
i don’t know her situation now but I met someone else, remarried and also had 3 DC so figured him and I were never meant to be.

I don’t hate her, suppose I’m thankful in a rather strange way.

She hasn't tried to justify anything.

Wow. What a cold hearted, nasty woman you are.

I would never speak to you again if I were her.

She’ll have the last laugh when your affair partner cheats on you.