cant afford to give ds what he wants for his birthday

[dinosaursroars]

Ds is 17 on friday and all he has asked me for is money because he wants to save for a moped and he knows it will take a while he currently doesnt have anything so the money i give would be a starting point

His dad hasnt seen him in over a year and is unlikely to get anything from him last year he didn’t even have a happy birthday message or asked about his gcses (was the same day) and hes still not texted him in over a year and ds doesnt bother msging him but i know it upsets him

we dont see his family either and i have none so hes only getting something from me like always

i dont know how much money to give him i csnt afford it tbh with back to school and i dont think just £50 and nothing else is good enough and i want to give him more but i cant afford more with back to school and uniforms and food but then i feel guilty

how much is okay to five him?

I wholeheartedly agree with you. It’s extremely difficult for the eldest in this situation, he doesn’t ask for much because he understands that it isn’t there.
The impact of being poor is horrendous on your self worth and self esteem, a lot of posters don’t understand that because they struggled eating noodles in university, having had an okay lifestyle before and a better one afterwards.
OP save your butt off from now until Christmas time and hopefully between you both, he can get his moped.
It is one thing your friend having more and another when you have nothing.

Thank you! I’m reading posters who say ‘when I was 17 I was doing x, y and a’ or ‘my child has a job and saved’ but their children are doing this with a comfortable background, other family involved and money not being so tight with younger siblings being added into the family, making thinks tighter.

I really hope OP puts money aside for the 17 year old and 11/12 year old when she has it because being that age is hard enough already.

I don't think many people on here actually understand what it is like being poor (the latter, by Western societal standards).
When you are on UC, unless you have disability element(s), there really is very little 'leg room', as in very little left over once you have paid your bills and bought groceries etc.
It might sound harsh, a 17 year old 'only' getting £50 for his b-day, and I remember how difficult it felt as a teen, being raised in a family on benefits, when pretty much all of my friends had two working parents, holidays abroad etc.
However, the reality for so many young people - more than the comfortable hoi polloi of MN would care to acknowledge - is being raised in financially tight, difficult circumstances.

Text his father and tell him to send him money.

Absolutely right, most people don't get it and unless you have been raised poor they will never understand.

I was embarrassed of my clothes as a teenager because my mum had so little money.I was in her old cast offs and clothes from charity shops. I had to wait every year for my godmother and auntie to send me birthday in christmas money to buy something I wanted to wear.

Only really had one pair of shoes at a time.And when it got to the boiling hot summer, I wasn't bought a pair of sandals or cool.Shoes as mum had no money so I had to go out wearing my thick school loafers. It was so hot.I wore them without socks, not realising it would make them smell. Then I realised i ruined my school shoes. So my mum was annoyed as they could have been worn after summer for the next year as my size hadn't changed. Not even a new pair of shoes for a school year, did I get if the old ones still fitted.

We barely had enough money to buy food at weekends when the benefits ran out, sunday was my least favourite day of the week in particular because we had no money left until the benefits were paid on Monday.

Then, having to hear kids at school.And then at universities saying, they were annoyed with their parents choice of summer holiday this year because they'd already been there. I hadn't had a summer holiday since I was about nine and even then it was a staycation.

Complaining that the university kitchens had no dishwasher - never had access to one in my life.

People just don't get it and they will never get it.Unless they've been raised poor themselves just how difficult things are.

Then, I found if people find out you were raised poor they're not necessarily judgemental, but they're uncomfortable with it and they don't like to talk about it.

Anyway, at that age been given fifty pounds in cash.I would have felt myself very rich indeed.

BTW I really object to the word staycation.
A holiday is a holiday regardless of it being in the med or a caravan in the Lake District.
For plenty people a caravan holiday is as good as it gets.

What’s your life like in comparison to your childhood? Were your family proud of you for going to university?
I have a close friend who grew up in similar circumstances to you and heading about her life in detail really opened my eyes to how people live and how spoilt a lot of us are.

Whilst you weren't asking me, I was inspired to reply!
My sibling and I grew up.in poverty in the 80s.
We are talking dirt poor by England standards: no phone/tv/washing machine, electricity regularly off, bare food cupboards.
It was pretty fucking horrendous, looking back.
Ive stayed pretty low on the socioeconomic scale and, because I'm in run down social housing in a less than desirable area, I'm considered 'poor'.
My sister has worked her butt off in an industry that pays well and has reinvented her past (she lies about our childhood).
She can come across as spoilt, materialistic and selfish (she can be a bit of a Princess).
With my background and not having really done well for myself, I don't resent other people doing well, or coming from 'better' backgrounds.
I do, however, silently think stfu when I hear what one might call 'first world problems'.

I really couldn't care less if you object to that word or not.You're not allowed to tell me if I can use it. 🫪

We are talking dirt poor by England standards: no phone/tv/washing machine, electricity regularly off, bare food cupboards.

Yep, that would describe my childhood as well
We did have a gas fire, though and that wouldn't be turned off along with the electricity.

I do remember holding bread on a fork in front of the gas fire to toast it because no electricity to use the toaster. It was really quite surreal, setting in the darkness with candles with a gas fire and the glow from that, trying to make toast by holding bread on the fork.

The fridge broke at one point.And we couldn't afford to replace it.So we had no fridge either.
Meaning, we have to shop daily for the food we needed as it couldn't be kept.

Looking back on it, it was absolutely grim and devoid of any hope whatsoever

Haven't reinvented my childhood.But now, as a grown adult, it doesn't really come up. I don't hide the fact that I was from a poor background, if it does come up but it doesn't come up in daily conversation anymore.

But now what is poor? Unable to buy the seventeen year old a moped and only able to give him fifty quid for his birthday

I'm sad to admit it, but my mum was weirdly not as proud of me as i feel she should have been.

I did the best I could.And I got no support from her with my education, and I struggled a lot. I got into a good university to do a good degree, not russell group, but it was in the top thirty. She comes constantly, said how rubbish my university was and I could have done better.

We went on to postgraduate and ended up a lawyer. My sister didn't go to university. I ended up being treated like a walking ATM by the family. My sister, especially was resentful of my career and the change I'd made to my life as an adult.

No amount of I don't get given this money for free and I had to and still have to work very hard for it and to get here would suffice. So no it ended up being what they could get out of me.And they never felt it was enough.

He’s a child and it is his birthday. He has done nothing wrong in asking for money rather than pointless tat, so he can save up. He isn’t asking for hundreds or thousands. He’s asked for some money for his birthday. What is wrong with you?

Well said. What an unpleasant unnecessarily judgmental comment from that poster.

Hear hear

Some people have zero shame.

I find this thread quite mercenary and in some cases the responses are downright mean.

You are giving your son what he asked for. He's 17, he knows your circumstances but more than this he knows he is loved and cared for. This is all he needs. ♥️

I think this is a great idea!

I would give him nothing on the grounds that there’s no way on this earth I would support any of my kids riding a moped or motorbike and I’m amazed anyone would do

@WeddingDressguest You've done brilliantly. 💐

@dinosaursroars I hope your DS has a lovely birthday. ❤️

Does he have his provisional licence yet? If not, I’d get him one and whatever you can afford to give cash wise. I give my teens £150 and a couple of small wrapped up gifts.

Threads like this are the reason I had one child, I realised the expense of having them. Sad situation for your son