cant afford to give ds what he wants for his birthday

[dinosaursroars]

Ds is 17 on friday and all he has asked me for is money because he wants to save for a moped and he knows it will take a while he currently doesnt have anything so the money i give would be a starting point

His dad hasnt seen him in over a year and is unlikely to get anything from him last year he didn’t even have a happy birthday message or asked about his gcses (was the same day) and hes still not texted him in over a year and ds doesnt bother msging him but i know it upsets him

we dont see his family either and i have none so hes only getting something from me like always

i dont know how much money to give him i csnt afford it tbh with back to school and i dont think just £50 and nothing else is good enough and i want to give him more but i cant afford more with back to school and uniforms and food but then i feel guilty

how much is okay to five him?

I would love to know what your children receive or received at that age and what their day to day life was like.

I think you have missed the point I was making - that we ALL can find people who are financially better off than us, even the multi-millionaires.

So it isn't really relevant what my dc got, but, as it happens, yes, despite us making choices differently from the OP (ie, we worked more hours, and we didn't have 5 children) our dc got very similar amounts of money at 17 to the amount the OP has to give. Our dc all worked PT during 6th form to spend or save as they wished. None of them would have expected any different.

i worked in a school it was only term time obviously and i cant work more hours because theres literally no one to have my children. i can afford the children i have it’s just bene a lot with needing to by a phone for my son and school uniform for them thats not a monthly thing and the fact i have a baby isnt relevant as its not baby items the money has gone on its not like i earned loads anyway when i was working because i didnt

i need to sort an ehcp for my son starting year 7 and have meetings and do the DLA for him which ive put off and the forms are all just overwhelming i dont see how i can do all this and work and look after my children id just be burnt out

i think i wouldnt be worried if he got other stuff off other people but he wont and he never is ungrateful but i don’t want him to think no one cares about his birthday

hes not gonna do anything on his birthday either. he usually sees his best friend and they do something but they were in a relationship and broke up and now the other boy doesnt want to talk to him as friends or otherwise so he doesnt have his best friend either and ive suggested he do things with his other friends and hes said no because theyll keep asking ehat happened between them as they didnt know anything about the relationship so it looks like a random falling out to them

It sounds as if you have your hands very full and your budget stretched very tight. He knows he’s not getting a moped and that the price of a toy for a six year old isn’t even remotely comparable.

Give him what you can, make a fuss of him and give him the confidence and life skills to earn his own money in time.

FWIW I personally loathe motor bikes in all forms having known too many people killed and badly injured on them. I know that’s personal to me but having a truly safe bike, all the safety kit, decent insurance and the maturity to ride safely are all expensive and to some degree age related (maturity and money). Waiting is far safer.

So are you unemployed now? Or on maternity leave?

People are making suggestions on the assumption that you’ll be back to work on September when term starts again. If that’s not the case and you’re now supporting 5 kids as a single parent on universal credit then that’s quite different. There won’t ever be spare money.

I was a single parent to 2 kids from when my youngest was 6 weeks old - still had to work. One of them autistic which meant me being called to his school almost every week for one incident or another. I still had to work.

£50 if fine, I bought a moped when I lived overseas, £500, done the job. Just like my first car, 350 and then worked my way up replacing them. If he gets a cheap one to start he can at least be doing uber eats etc....they do so much more to the gallon than a car or motorbike!!

I haven’t missed the point, of course we can all find people worse off, but I’m pretty sure if your children got £50 for birthday they got more than that from
other people as well and celebrated it. From the op update he won’t be doing anything for his birthday either. I don’t know why you’re so reluctant to see it’s not about the £50, it’s about the fact that is as good as it gets for him because, due to his family circumstances, he won’t be getting anything else at other times of the year. Days out, holidays, meals out. So your children are not comparable to thick boys life.

The point about the baby is that’s another stretch on your already stretched finances and will mean even less for the children you currently have. I really would prioritise your older children because it’s rubbish for them to have so little.

Having a moped at 17 will be dangerous anyway OP.
Call the dad and tell him to get something for his son's birthday.
Then give him the £50, but also a card saying you will save a small amount each week for him over the next year and when he's 18, he can maybe put that towards a moped or driving lessons or whatever it is he'll be wanting next year when he turns 18.

Helpful 🙄

Give him what you can afford.

Why does he need a moped instead of a bike?

£50 is loads!

You clearly have no idea what it’s like being a single parent to children who eat like horses and grow every few months do you?!!!

Take food away from families who cant afford it to give a 17 year old more money?!

I got next to nothing at some birthdays as a child and I would have been grateful for £50.

@BlueFahrenheit

He doesnt need a moped, he wants one.

Its ok to want something. Wasn't there something you wanted when you were 17?

He hasn't asked for one, he's asked for cash to help him save. Good for him

He doesnt need one he’s asked for money to save for one.

I was replying to your comment making out he was some sort of Oliver Twist character.

I don’t think a lot of posters on this thread are thinking about her eldest child’s day to day life or experiences and it must be hard living with so little when his friends might have a lot more.

Maybe this is a skewed MN thing, but £50 is actually a decent amount of money for any teenager to receive as a present. Regardless of whether the teen has a Dad or not, regardless of whether he has been on holiday or not. We don't know "he has so little" - you are filling that information yourself. This is about the amount of money he is getting for his birthday.

We have no idea why the OP has no relatives - that's not really what this thread is about. She asked if she was BU in not being able to give her ds more than £50. I would say no-one is BU in giving their dc "only" £50 even if they had more, but obviously, if you don't have more, then of course you aren't / OP isn't.

Just give him what you can afford, especially since it doesn't sound like you have saved towards his birthday.
You've said already he doesn't ask for much, so £50 is a good foundation and, if he wants a moped, he needs to get his butt into gear and save any earnings from a p/t job, if he has one.
💚

Plenty of adults don't have that much money to spend on themselves for their birthday.

Is your boyfriend not even going to get your son a token gift? I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years - at Christmas he spent £100 on each of my kids, and then for my youngest’s birthday, he got a gift for £55 and will spend similar on my oldest for his birthday in a couple of months.

We don’t have kids together and we don’t live together but he would never ignore my children’s birthdays. You have a kid with this guy, which has meant you’ve given up work and don’t have money for the kids you already had. And he isn’t going to contribute anything?

I don’t think you picked a very good guy. And your 17 year old’s dad won’t get him anything… so another not great guy.

But it doesn’t sound like this kid ever gets anything spent on him.

£50 is a decent gift. Don't beat yourself up. He knows he's loved and he knows he's going to have to save up for what he wants so it's a start. Suggest you get a piggy bank and if you find yourself with a couple of quid spare any time you can put it in the piggy bank towards the moped as well. Every little helps.

But what’s the point of this kind of comment? OP and her son are in the situation they’re in. That’s their life. They can’t change it, at least not immediately.

I agree. In isolation of course £50 is a decent amount but not when you put it with everything else the OP has told us. You said @JustGiveMeReasonim making out he’s an Dickensian character! He gets nothing apart from what his mum gets him, has no family involved at all, mum has little money that has to be divided between other siblings. So in light of all that, yes £50 is a lot but yes, I still think he has it hard.

Reading OPs updates just make me feel more and more sorry for him and how hard his life already is compared to say many of our children.

At 17 your DS will be aware of your financial situation at the moment .£50 will go far buying for younger kids. Just give him £50 in a card to “start off his moped” fund saying you hope you will be able to contribute more in the coming months. Bake a cake and do a birthday tea/pizza with cards made by his siblings. Making him feel special and valued is more important especially since his dad makes no effort

Why don't you give him what you can iand offer to pay for his provisional in a few months?
At 17, he will be able to apply for a part time job to enable him to save.
You can only do what you can do.