cant afford to give ds what he wants for his birthday

[dinosaursroars]

Ds is 17 on friday and all he has asked me for is money because he wants to save for a moped and he knows it will take a while he currently doesnt have anything so the money i give would be a starting point

His dad hasnt seen him in over a year and is unlikely to get anything from him last year he didn’t even have a happy birthday message or asked about his gcses (was the same day) and hes still not texted him in over a year and ds doesnt bother msging him but i know it upsets him

we dont see his family either and i have none so hes only getting something from me like always

i dont know how much money to give him i csnt afford it tbh with back to school and i dont think just £50 and nothing else is good enough and i want to give him more but i cant afford more with back to school and uniforms and food but then i feel guilty

how much is okay to five him?

Wrong. I don't live in a lovely rural village, quite the opposite.

Give him 30£ and sone bits he needs.
Encourage him to keep looking for a job. Then he saves up for his moped and insurance and running costs
No need to feel guilty.
He is learning you have to earn money for what you want incentivises him

If it is a cash flow problem, you could always give him the £50 and promise a further £50 once he has saved up enough to buy the moped (if you feel you are able to save this and ring fence it).

My parents bought me driving lessons for my 17th birthday, and they definitely didn't hand over any cash in advance! At 17 I understood that I didn't need anything on the day. Perhaps a box of chocs or something.

Could you stretch to £100? Seems a good start. Get your Bf to pay more towards his babies running cost and save that money?

Probably because being realistic, £50 is not a lot of money. Specially when he wont get a single present off anyone else.
A lot of kids get gifts from grand parents on both side, Uncles & Aunties on the same day so it makes it look like a lot more.

Tell your son now that you can only afford a small amount.

I would see if I could borrow some money money just to get him a few of his favourite snacks, deodorant etc

He is going to be frustrated that you’ve gone on to have another baby when you seemingly can’t afford the ones you’ve got but kids don’t need expensive things to have a good birthday.

At 17 he is old enough to understand the harsh realities of his life that there is no magic money tree. Give him what you can for now. Saving up will build resilience and good budgeting.. Rather than giving your children. THINGS it is far better to give them the opportunity to EARN them.

OP £50 is a lot of money. I think it’s fine to just give him £50. I don’t think you need to make any excuses, give him £50 and don’t feel guilty about it.

Nasty.

Perhaps she doesn't have any spare cash to put aside!

Why? What in your eyes would an acceptable amount be?

Make a deal with him to help him save. Give him 50 for birthday and 20 a month. I understand that even 20 a month can be hard to come by when you’re on the breadline. .

Use a food bank if you wish. They’re not just for the starving, they’re to ease the pressure from families mainly mothers so they can assemble some kind of normalcy at home, as in give a good child who asks for very little a birthday present.

People on this thread can be tone deaf when it comes to scrapping pennies together, advising you not to go to food banks. I help
in a community table. I live in a working class area where a lot of families cannot afford birthday gifts for their DC, some people will never understand how heartbreaking it can feel.

Try pick up evening work so he can babysit, split the difference. How old are the younger DC? Can the school offer a donated uniform. SVP helps with school returns too. Contact them.

@dinosaursroars

You give him what you can afford.

My son was 21 last year, I was in decent job with some savings. As he is doing computing at uni I bought him a reasonably high spec computer, approx £1000.
In February this year I was diagnosed with cancer, lost my job and income overnight and needed my savings to live on. This year his present was a t shirt and dinner at the pub. He understands
Your son hasn't asked for a specific amount, I think he may well understand all ready.

But he IS getting something. £50 is a generous amount for him to get from you.
17 is more than old enough to understand the value of money. He hasn't asked for a moped, he has asked for some cash to start his savings fund. You are giving him that.

YABU to say i dont think just £50 and nothing else is good enough

YANBU to give your 17 year old a generous cash gift and teach him about how to find a savings account that pays a little interest, and to encourage and support him to try and earn when he can.

Give him what you can afford and remind him that next year his Child Savings fund will mature and he will have enough to either buy the moped or pay for driving lessons!

Has he got a gov trust fund with money in, when did they stop that?

Otherwise instead could you offer to pay for some lessons instead?

As he wants a moped could you afford to get him a helmet or other things to go with one? This then feels like more of a present than money towards something that will take so long to save up for? You could also give him an IOU saying you’ll match the first 100 pounds he saves - or something like that - and then you have a while to save for that. Sorry I hope that helps - and happy birthday to your son. I know what it is like to have no family around and all the pressure of birthday presents etc falling on just you.

Im going on about Christmas again but I would prioritise your son at Christmas over the younger children. It sounds like throughout his teenage years there have been new siblings and financially it sounds like it’s hard to provide for them all. I’d really make him a priority over younger children who would be happy with a few presents from
a charity shop.
I don’t think a lot of posters on this thread are thinking about her eldest child’s day to day life or experiences and it must be hard living with so little when his friends might have a lot more.

I don’t think a lot of posters on this thread are thinking about her eldest child’s day to day life or experiences and it must be hard living with so little when his friends might have a lot more.

Give over.
He's 17 and receiving a generous cash gift for his birthday.
He's not going hungry or living in a hostel

Yes, at various points in time, all of us will have friends with more disposable income than us, just as we'll be able to find people with less than us. It is a good thing to understand as a teen or young adult. He's hardly 'deprived'.

I hope that is a joke - absolutely terrible advice for lots of reasons that don't need spelling out - i really hope you are not serious.

Stupid reply.

I would love to know what your children receive or received at that age and what their day to day life was like.
He doesn’t see or get any support, financial or otherwise, from his Dad
He has no family on either side involved with him, let alone buying him a birthday present
He has (sounds like 3) younger siblings, one of which is a baby.
Money is tight.

Most 17 year olds these days would find that setup really hard. Have some compassion.

*Edited as really not helpful now.

Hope your DS has a lovely birthday.

In 2026, £50 is not a generous amount of money for a 17 year old’s birthday, particularly a 17 year old who isn’t getting anything else from anyone else.
And given OP’s circumstances, low income, at least a few kids, single, a new baby, a part time job… this kid really doesn’t get much any other time either. Let’s not pretend he isn’t maybe feeling a little down and that this might actually be a bit sucky for him on his birthday.