cant afford to give ds what he wants for his birthday

[dinosaursroars]

Ds is 17 on friday and all he has asked me for is money because he wants to save for a moped and he knows it will take a while he currently doesnt have anything so the money i give would be a starting point

His dad hasnt seen him in over a year and is unlikely to get anything from him last year he didn’t even have a happy birthday message or asked about his gcses (was the same day) and hes still not texted him in over a year and ds doesnt bother msging him but i know it upsets him

we dont see his family either and i have none so hes only getting something from me like always

i dont know how much money to give him i csnt afford it tbh with back to school and i dont think just £50 and nothing else is good enough and i want to give him more but i cant afford more with back to school and uniforms and food but then i feel guilty

how much is okay to five him?

Sorry people are being nasty OP. I would be honest with him, tell him what little you can afford and encourage him to get a job. Love is felt in other more important ways. Hi

i think the guilt comes from him not getting anything from anyone else itll be just this and nothing else anyone else e and hes had a rough time recently

i dont have a set budget usually because he never asks for much

So give him what you can and help him set up a savings account to built it

You can always give me come chocolates, socks whatever alongside so he has something to open. He’s 17 not 7 he will understand.

Also from a personal viewpoint, maybe suggest saving for driving lessons car, so much safer.

If you've got £50 to give him then that's what there is, open up a savings account with him and put it in. With the best will in the world, it's going to take a long time to save up for a moped, lessons, insurance etc with £50 once a year.

He's going to need to get a job if he wants to speed the process up.

If you can’t afford it you can’t afford it.

please don’t use food banks in order to give him more money - he needs to get used to working for what he wants.

good luck.

If one of my kids wanted a moped, I’d only give them £50 as I wouldn’t want them to actually be able to afford one. Too dangerous.

Do you work? What is going on with your finances that you haven’t been able to put money aside for birthdays etc?

its not about working for what he wants it’s his birthday not just him randomly asking for money

he needs to have something

Give him what you can afford, explain the situation and tell him you will continue to save a little alongside him so you have more to put in when the time comes.

He’s 17 so should understand

But he’s asked for something you can’t afford. So therefore he has to work for it.

and it isn't going to be a moped or any money that will go near to saving enough for a moped. Why wasn't he warned about this months ago?

He can have something, it just isn't going to be exactly what he wants which happens sometimes. At 17, he should understand. If he wants money, give him what you can afford, if it's £50 then it's £50.

You give what you can afford. Children cannot always have what they want.

When my DDs were 17 friends were getting cars. But they knew we could not possibly afford that and just got on with it. They knew we loved them. They had what we could afford.

Op it would make more sense to encourage him to look at a secondhand pedal bike if he is wanting to get around or to look at driving (if you have a car he can borrow)

Moped sounds well beyond budget and totally unrealistic.

Yes we all grow up and have different experiences in life but it doesn't mean parents have to foot the bill for stuff they just can't afford.

Every family has their budget they need to work too.

How many other children do you have?
Are you able to start saving for Christmas now even just a few pounds here and there so you can give him a bit more towards it then?

Please don't do this. That's not what they're for.

You can only give him what you can afford. He can get a part time job and save up the rest.

His actual request for a present costing that much is ridiculous, even if you had a lot more disposable income op.

Give him what you can afford and make him aware that he won’t be getting a moped.

how many other kids do you have op? I'm asking cos you also need to consider if tou somehow manage to get money for somewhere for him, youll then feel guilty and like yoi need to do it for his siblings.

are you working ATM? is there any chance to update hours slightly once kids are back at school so you can put a little extra away for Xmas? obv not helpful if you're still home with young ones.

I think at 17 he's old enough to understand "I need to feed and clothe you all, your dad isn't around and this isy best", altho not said like that of course.

could you give him £20 cash and then buy something small to unwrap?

he hasn't asked for a present costing any amount.
he's asked for cash. so he can save up. that suggests he knows he won't be getting enough for a moped.

Get him a suit so he can go on job interviews. At 17 if he wants something he gets a job and pays for it.

Given his age and the fact he wants the money to go towards savings I would say be honest with him that you are struggling this month so will give him part now and part after you have been paid.

I think this is a good approach OP..

Also. you said he hasn't seen his dad in a year. He has seen him a year ago tho.. so there is some contact.

Could you text his Dad and remind him that it is his son's 17th birthday?
And that there's only you to give him a card/present?
I'd do that rather than wait for him to remember and then be sad that he hasn't.
A timely reminder might jerk him into action.. .and would make your son happy.
I understand if you feel you can't tho.

In my experience.
Kids like just spending time doing something slightly out of the everyday routine, such as a picnic with birthday cake, or a trip to the cinema together. if he's still on summer holidays there are cheaper tickets on certain days or a Meerkat discount. Worth searching for special offers or ideas for free days out, taking a picnic with you.
Maybe he could have a few friends round and have some supermarket bases with their own toppings and watch a film. All the Spiderman films are on BBC iplayer at the moment.
Maybe helping him look for a suitable job he could do round his school work?

If I asked mine what they remember of presents when they were 17, I think we would all struggle to remember. But they do remember days out together.
I hope you both have a really lovely day on Friday x

He’s a child and it is his birthday. He has done nothing wrong in asking for money rather than pointless tat, so he can save up. He isn’t asking for hundreds or thousands. He’s asked for some money for his birthday. What is wrong with you?

It’s not his fault that his mum has got herself into this situation. Instead of blaming him, I’d be telling OP to work more hours.

After this, it’s Christmas. And she has other kids too so that’s more birthdays. She clearly doesn’t have enough money, and when her kids are all aged up then she won’t get any child related benefits so, for her sake and not just for buying presents, she needs to find a way to earn more.

Depends if its a moped to get him around, get to a job etc or a mopedto be a fucking scum member of society and speed around the street with his balaclava on.....hoping to god it's the first one.

If I was you, if you have Dad's number messege him a blunt messege. 'Don't forget it is DS' birthday on X day, he would like money towards a moped'.

I think the idea of putting something away alongside him is a nice way of extending what you are able to provide on the day even if that’s only a few pounds every month. As long as it doesn’t put you in jeopardy elsewhere. If it’s the case that you would have more disposable income next month then you could put the one off expenses this month on credit if you know you will have funds to repay next month letting you increase his birthday gift on the day. If your circumstances don’t allow you to increase his gift in any way you are allowed to feel what you feel about it. He will understand one day even if it’s not now.

This is what I would do.
And if you can save a little for him, that will help motivate him to work as well.

Not easy to find jobs, so I wouldn't be as optimistic as others on this thread that he'll find one quickly.