To say if you have something to ask me don’t demand a phone call?

[ScullyD]

I’m wondering if this is a generational thing. Im a millennial, my dad’s in his 60s.

Today I submitted my thesis, I’m a mature student in early 30s. I’ve spent most of the day napping and I’m really exhausted. The last year has been very intense.

anyway I had a missed call from my dad tonight then he messaged and said ‘can you call me please, I want to ask you something.’ AIBU to think if you have something to ask then ask in a message? Obviously I’m frazzled having just finished a thesis and I don’t want to call anyone. Plus I have to work tomorrow. AIBU to find this very annoying?

Your so rude especially why you made a dig about the bowel cancer calls

Could be worse. My mum has a full conversation with my voicemail and still doesnt get to the point as to why she was ringing.

I’m not a digital native, I was on this planet for 40 years before texting became commonplace, but it seems sad to me that people have become positively phobic about actually talking to people.

Congrats on your thesis!

Don’t waste the opportunity to chat with your dad on the phone, even if you’re tired or annoyed. One day you will no longer have the chance to do this. X

You sound delightful 🤨

Congratulations on submission! I am half-way through a Masters, 1 module and 1 dissertation to go! I have completed 5 modules, each with 2 pieces of work. I am knackered after they each go in. But I will share my last few months with you. Last Dec I submitted an essay fot the 4th module. I had done 2 overnights the week before, so was pretty tired, but needed to push on with the smaller submission. My mum (age 90) called late that evening to say my (estranged) brother was ill and had been taken to hospital. I was brusque, said I could help later in the week but was proceeding with course. It means so much that nothing else matters. He was dead the following day and formally declared dead 2 days later. So of course my priority had to change. Uni have been great. But the support needs to go on. Eg Mum called tonight. Problems again with OCADO, so I will have to go over and deal with it, as well as my brother's small but complex estate. I don't mind the phone calls, providing it is not expected daily. I have several friends ( we are all late 50s/early 60s) who have daily calls, but they have larger families to share the load. So yes phone your dad, but have a cut-off excuse ready at eg 30 mins.

I'm with you OP. If it's not urgent then surely it can wait and if he's not a considerate conversationalist and just talks about himself the whole time then I wouldn't be doing chatty phone calls at all. Does he actually allow you to end the call when you want or need to or does he try to override that? I had someone like that in my life for a long time and we no longer have any contact at all because of it. Not a parent but god knows I'd have lost the will to live a long time ago if it had been.

My mum wants me to call her for every little thing. It drives me mad. I think there is some extra cognitive load for her in typing out text messages and she’s trying to avoid that, but yes, she also just wants to talk to me. I try to accommodate it as much as I can and if I can’t I send a message saying I don’t have time to call right now and will get back to her as soon as I can.

What a sad society we’ve become where a dad wanting to have a phone conversation with his daughter rather than type messages back and forth is “manipulative”.

If he's looking for a one-sided conversation where the other person takes the roll of audience, I'd say fair enough. But only the OP knows what the calls are actually like!

@ScullyD Based on your OP you’re an absolute melt.

I get it, you’re exhausted. Don’t want to talk to anyone. But call back, say hi I’ve only got 1 min, and nod and then hang up. You’ve got this and WELL THE FUCK DONE.

YABU
Just speak with him, you can put him on speaker while you do things you need to do.

Why doesn’t anyone want to talk to each other any more? It’s so much more efficient, avoids ambiguity given how easily written communication can be misinterpreted, and gives some much needed human contact

Quite. I can't understand it at all. One texted question can result in having to sit and text for the next half hour to iron out misunderstandings and missed nuances. Just pick up the bloody phone and talk. You only have to sit on your bum to do that.

Phone calls are exhausting

Good grief.

Yes me with my dyslexic son. Literally every 3rd message is me going "did you mean that word?".

Did he ever have to work on a thesis? If not, he may not realize how stressful it is and how much it can take over your life. It’s good that he texted to ask to talk to you. If you want to shut down for a few days, you can just text back, “Can’t talk for a few days. How about Thursday at 11:30?” Just make an appointment with him. He’ll back off. You can relax.

Why good grief? If they're not exhausting for you, fantastic, but surely you can understand that people can experience the same thing in very different ways? Personally I would find half an hour of texting to be about 1% of the effort of 10 minutes on the phone, although I've never found myself in the situation others are describing here where everyone gets lost due to nuance and misunderstanding etc! We're all different!

Congratulations on the thesis! My daughter has just received her doctorate and I've never seen her so burned out as she was after handing it in. It's fine to take some mental time for yourself.

She and I have an agreement that if either of us randomly tries to call the other at a not regularly agreed time, we send a quick text first to say we have a few spare minutes and are about to call, nothing is wrong, and only pick up if you are free and happy to talk. Maybe you could institute something like that?

Welcome to the 'elderly parents' phase of life. I really dislike phone calls as to me they are an instant demand upon your time. My mother's 'terrible day' can consist of not being able to work the TV. All you need to do is message to say "I'm exhausted and will call you as soon" or feign illness like a little white lie. That said, the bowel cancer investigation will have been a massive worry for him, and I think you are being exceptionally cruel about it.

Tone in texts is notoriously easy to misinterpret.

Your parents just want to maintain a relationship with you. To them, texts are handy tools for brief exchanges of information. Actually speaking to someone in real time is deeper, more meaningful, more authentic. They just want to maintain connection. That doesn’t have to be hours long conversations or monologues. [I’m sorry, Dad, but I have to let you go now. I have to meet Elizabeth, return a jumper to M&S, get the chicken for a curry…] Maybe you could arrange ONE day every week to speak to your parents, so they won’t feel they have to nag you to talk to them.

What a sad society we’ve become where a dad wanting to have a phone conversation with his daughter rather than type messages back and forth is “manipulative”.

^
This

And I bet he didn’t demand and just asked for a call back.

Where did he ‘demand’ you called him? He simply asked if you could call him ‘please’