To say if you have something to ask me don’t demand a phone call?

[ScullyD]

I’m wondering if this is a generational thing. Im a millennial, my dad’s in his 60s.

Today I submitted my thesis, I’m a mature student in early 30s. I’ve spent most of the day napping and I’m really exhausted. The last year has been very intense.

anyway I had a missed call from my dad tonight then he messaged and said ‘can you call me please, I want to ask you something.’ AIBU to think if you have something to ask then ask in a message? Obviously I’m frazzled having just finished a thesis and I don’t want to call anyone. Plus I have to work tomorrow. AIBU to find this very annoying?

Also the last time he did this he then told me he’d been tested for bowel cancer, a big dramatic pause then said it was negative!

Firstly congratulations on getting your thesis submitted! Especially alongside working - it was hard enough doing mine full time.

If my mum messages to ask me to call her my immediate reaction is 'who's died?' I'm never sure why if she wants to talk to me she doesn't just phone (but obviously your dad tried that). I suspect it depends hugely on personality and relationship dynamics as to what seems reasonable, but I'm with you on not liking it, but then I don't like phoning people in general!

He wants to chat with his daughter, how unreasonable.

Perhaps its easier or more appropriate to explain in a call than explain his question by text?

Like when you get drawn into a back and forth email exchange that could be solved with a quick call.

Message back and say you are for out due to submitting your thesis but will call him tomorrow.

Thank you! Truly I’m happy with it but I’m exhausted and been so emotional all day. Probably still full of adrenaline.

we’ve largely had a good relationship but we briefly fell out last year. As he gets older he becomes more difficult. It just feels intense pressure during a time when I need a break for myself.

Not neccessarily generational.

Your dad wanted to talk to you, so he tried to phone and left a mesaage asking you to call him back. Pretty normal thing to do.

Not sure how "working tomorrow" prevents you from talking to him for 10 minutes.

If you really really don't want to, send a message back, you can ask what's it about or about urgency...

To be honest I don’t want to talk tomorrow either. I’ll have a few hours to myself before I have to go to work.

I just want to go into a cave for a week. He knows my thesis was due now too. I find it selfish although as I say I recognise it could be a generational thing too as I also dislike calls,

@FourSevenFive I have never had a 10 minute call with this man in my life. He talks and talks.

I think in your position I would say you will call him when you are free in a week , or suggest if it’s urgent that he puts it in a text.

Older people with time on their hands can sometimes forget they were once younger people with much busier lives

It’s just a phone call, maybe he wants to ask how you are. You sound rather precious.

He could be calling to say well done! It doesn’t sound like you like him much.

Definitely a generational thing, as in younger generations have less attention span and need everything now. You have no idea if it's a question that needs some explanation, or if there's some nuance, etc. I know it's really difficult making a call and having to speak to someone, but just put a little effort in... I'm sure he's finding it very tiring having to deal with the younger generation.

He won’t be. It will be about him
no doubt. I love him and like most of the time but not all the time! He’s difficult more and more.

That partially explains your position :)

I see disliking phone calls more as a personality than generations question.

Anyway, one option would be to call him and actively use being tired to keep the call short. Knowing you can manage the length would probably ease your dislike as well.

I’m with you OP, I hate this. My mum used to message sometimes to say “can you call me” or “can we talk”… and my mind immediately goes to some kind of bad news!

I have said this to her and asked her to specify that it is nothing urgent or worrying.

If someone misses my call I would message to say “just phoning to say hi, nothing urgent, give me a call when you’re free”. No need to say “I want to ask you something”… it’s unnecessarily cryptic. Just ask in the message or don’t mention the asking until you speak!

I think this is it too. Both my parents are now retired and they’re both starting to be like this.

Doesn’t his message just mean “call me when it’s convenient for you”? It’s a pain listening to voicemails especially if they say ‘can you call me back please’. Some questions aren’t appropriate for text, or come with an explanation or back story or a bit of back and forth. It’s just a normal question, normal text.

I think you’re the problem in this instance, don’t think he did anything wrong.

Congratulations on your thesis!

I also can't stand this. If it's an emergency, yes I want to talk to you. But if it's just to ask what Aunt Mavis's cat is called, then no, I don't want to chat right now.

It annoys me at work too. If I'm reviewing a report for submission, then I only want to call you if it's urgent, otherwise I'll call you when I'm done - but the "can you call me?" Teams message isn't giving me enough information to prioritise!

OP, I'd either leave to see if more information is forthcoming or message and say you can't talk right so send the question or you'll call him back tomorrow

YABU He doesn’t want to just ask you something, he wants a chat.
Does he know what a ‘tiring’ day you’ve had? If not your response is harsh. Just text him and tell him you’ll call him later on in the week when you have time for him

Exactly I think I find the language manipulative. Another time it was to discuss something and then he told me ‘i had a bowel cancer test…big dramatic pause…..it’s clear’. Ffs.

I am Gen X. I don't do messages, just speaking to people. Speak / don't speak, either is fine, but all a message will provoke from me is a phone call or a response that says "call me when you can". I prefer to interact directly with fellow members of my species rather than writing shit.

And voice notes - don't even get me started on those. They are the Devil's work.

You could have used the time and effort you've spent writing and responding to this thread speaking to him and getting it over with.

It sounds more like you don't want a phone call with him rather than a phone call in general.

I get it, my ex is the same and always calls rather than sending messages. Its because he loves the sound of his own voice, is never happier than when he has a captive audience, and will add useless information into every conversation that would be boring fpr him to type out. 9 times out of 10 he's calling to whine about something or let me down with dc, so I actually dread his calls as they're so draining.

I hope for your sake OP it’s not bad news. Tbh I find it a bit exhausting when family members expect me to remember that they told me they had a,b,c going on 3 weeks ago.

Would it hurt to text back reminding him what you’re up to and asking if it can wait?

This is a joke thread, right?