Does my toddler sound spoilt & advice on how to deal with this?

[spoilt4advice]

I have a 2.5 year old and I genuinely believe his behaviour is really spoilt and goes beyond a normal toddler tantrum.

We go to the park and when he screams "it's mine!" if another child is on a ride.

If a parcel arrives he will automatically assume it's for him and will go mad unless he opens it first.
Today he threw his toys at the wall and wouldn't stop screaming until the box was opened.

When he saw next door neighbours toddler boy with a pram he wanted one and wanted to take his.
I ordered him one next day delivery as that night all he moaned about was "my pram. I want pram".

If anyone dares moves it touches his toy he will have a tantrum.

For example in the garden he has a bubble blowing machine and I turned it off.

He had a massive tantrum and he actually went and turned it back on and then turned it back off as if to prove a point "its mine".

I really try my best with him as he is extremely hard work and demanding.

To be honest I literally count down the hours until he goes to bed some days as his behaviour is just too much.

Most days are battles with him and he is very whiney and I feel bed a I feel as if I am always eithe saying "no" or telling him off.

He also spits at me and hits me.

He will start spitting at me if I start eating food despite him having his food.

Currently looking at nursery for him for when I go back to work and for some respite and time away from him.

I take him out once a day.
He has garden toys.
A balance bike.

I try and keep him active and do fun activities with him.

TIA x

OP you’re doing brilliantly today. Keep this up and you should soon see a much happier, calmer child with improved behaviour.
Has your DH taken on board the need for active parenting and boundaries? Will he back you up?

I’m so proud of you! Keep it up!

The thing to remember is that you are teaching him how to behave, whether you intend to or not. So far you have taught him that tantrums and demanding something will result in him receiving whatever he wants. He has learned that lesson well. Now it's up to you to teach him that these tactics no longer work.

His behaviour doesn't sound out of the ordinary for a 2-year-old. Wanting toys that other children have, throwing tantrums, lack of impulse control, etc. are all normal developmental stages. The issue is not so much his behaviour as how you respond to it. I would draw red lines WRT hitting or spitting. And I'd stop giving in to each of his demands. Distraction works well with 2-year-olds. There's no need to shout or behave like a drill sergeant with your child. If you're in a shop and he sees a toy he wants, you can say, "Yes, isn't that lovely? We're not buying any toys today, but maybe you can have that for your birthday." Then immediately distract him with something else. "Wow, look at that dog!" Or whatever.

Your husband sounds ridiculous BTW. He doesn't want your son to work as an adult? That's sheer lunacy. Even if you're extremely wealthy, surely you both want your child to grow up with a strong work ethic.

Your job is to teach him to be civilised, not to keep him happy at all times. None of us are happy all the time - at any age. That's life. But we all have to learn that we don't get to respond with screaming, violence etc. The happiest people are the ones who can accept unhappiness sometimes, iyswim. Who can accept that life will always have ups and downs and who have built resilience. The ones having a meltdown every time something doesn't go exactly as they'd hoped are the unhappiest people around - always dissatisfied with something, even when actually everything is fine. We all know adults like that.

If you really find the screaming unbearable, do what a friend of mine did and buy ear defenders - those things used by people who operate chainsaws etc that look like big headphones. As well as cutting the noise, seeing you put them on will be a sign for him - show he'll get no more attention or engagement or anything until he's stopped screaming and you've taken them off. "Oh dear, you're hurting mummy's ears again. I'll be able to talk to you when you use your normal voice".

Or whatever it takes. But it's essential to learn to cope with the noise, one way or another. I know it's like knives in your brain, but raising your son to be a decent member of society matters more than your temporary discomfort. Whatever technique will help you to put your foot down, do it.

I asked because I am ND and didn’t know it until I became a mother. If I had known that I had inattentive ADHD, I would have taken medication sooner, would have had a career, been able to get on the property ladder, met someone nice and had children sooner. As it is, my life has been a mess of depression, anxiety and underachievement. I’d sooner cut off my right arm than let it happen to my DS3.5.

Sorry if I was projecting a little bit in the OP’s case but I feel pretty hard done by the fact that ADHD was never on anyone’s radar, let alone mine. I was only trying to help.

Also, people in the UK are oddly against medication to treat ADHD and brainwashed to think that people are exaggerating their struggles, expecting us to snap out of it and try harder.

I genuinely think parents who do not say 'no' to their kids do them a disservice.

Great update !!!!

He and you will get through this.

Any parent who recognises a problem, asks for help and takes on board support is doing great and will raise a decent kid .

And if you need to scream or can feel yourself relenting - come
here! We can be your silent support team!!!

This is the exact problem - giving in just reinforces behaviour. It’s totally developmentally normally to have big tantrums & emotions at this age but how you react to it is so important. Your child isn’t spoilt - they just don’t have the brain capacity to control their emotions & even minor disappointment feels devastating to them. If my daughter goes into a meltdown, I will just let her ride it out. I offer calming words and try to distract/divert. Obviously remove myself if she is flailing around and has the potential to hit me. But I never give in - aka if she’s having a tantrum because she wants a biscuit & I’ve said no, she is not having a biscuit however much she screams & shouts.

@itsgettingweird - Thank you so much lovely for your support and kinds words!

Today was a lot better, he had a tantrum as he saw his dinner was cooked and was cooling down and he couldn't wait and was going full on.
I told him " no too hot" but he wasn't having it.

I just began singing to myself and put some music on my phone and just ignored him.
He soon stopped.

Again before bed time, he is only allowed 2 teddies but he wanted 4/5 and I told him no and again went mad and I just put music on my going and began singing completely ignoring him.

He soon stopped and even began dancing and laughing with me.

Today was a massive improvement and I actually enjoyed some of our time together today. ❤️❤️❤️🩷 when usually I am waiting for the next tantrum and screaming episode.

Book arrives tomorrow 😃

Excellent update. Really well done for finding a way to say no and deal with the fall out. It if surprising how quickly toddlers respond to this sort of boundary setting.

You should be really proud of recognising this and how this will make you and ultimately your son happier in the long run.

I’m glad you had a better day yesterday and that you’ve found something that works for you to help dispel the tantrums. Motherhood has taught me a lot about myself and has definitely made me work on my patience 😅 Toddlers are tough. I’d also say that you need to pick your battles sometimes too. Spitting and hitting you is not OK and your son needs to know that. We give warnings and then use the bottom stair as a ‘time out’ to cool things down when toddler isn’t listening to instructions. Things like demanding toys are also boundaries I’d stay firm on. But things like reading a different book, having more than two play doh tubs out are things I’d absolutely let go. You don’t need to be inducing tantrums over little things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things - and I say this as a mum who HATES play doh mixing and mess. With kids it’s unavoidable. I have also found that if I demand my son to do things then I’m more likely to meet resistance but if I frame it in a way that makes it sound like he has a choice then things go better. Also use a lot of “trickery” to get him to do what I need him to do - “Why don’t we have a race upstairs to get our pyjamas on?” as an example.

Not sure if it’s been suggested already, but don’t take him shopping. Avoid doing things that bring about conflict. I used to leave dc with dad and go on my own as much as possible. Shopping in the supermarket than didn’t take long.

Glad you had a better day and it seems attention seeking is a big part of the issue. Keep up a sensible level of ignoring him and get nursery started. I agree 2 is too young to share and play cooperatively but dc do learn to be around other dc and the nursery rules!

So you reward his bad behaviour? There is your problem.

OP great progress but I do think you have to pick your battles.
"he is only allowed 2 teddies but he wanted 4/5 and I told him no and again went mad " - but why? Who cares if he has 4 teddies? My toddler has about 10 teddies in her bed.
I think it's important to reserve boundaries and rules for things that actually matter - for example, not eating hot food, not running in the road, not having chocolate etc. If you say no to everything it devalues it.

I thought the same thing when i read the first update. Picking your battles is important, you need to save energy for the bigger things! I would definitely have agreed to the playdough, the books and the extra teddies. (I don't mind mess though.)

But it is good that he's hearing the word no. Occasionally I won't give in to a smaller thing if they are just getting generally a bit demanding!

I saw a tip on FB that said when your kid cries and whines, you say “stop, it’s my turn to cry!” And then you do some very melodramatic sobbing, maybe stamp a foot, for about 30 seconds. Then completely stop and say to dc, “ok I’m done - it’s your turn again now.”

Honestly it worked with my ds as a toddler every time! He was fascinated and spellbound and forgot he was having a tantrum enough that I could talk to him sensibly.

How much choice does he have in day to day activities? I probably wouldn’t turn off the bubble machine, I’d ask them to. Let them choose things between things you’re happy to offer. But you do need to say no and mean it. Just saying don’t spit at me isn’t going to work. We have “time out” for my 2 year old. It’s not like super nanny, we don’t banish him or ignore him but we will absolutely sit with him on the sofa for two minutes for him to calm down. We also do a lot of count downs and if I get to three and he hasn’t done what I’ve asked I’ll do it myself (eg put his shoes on).

You want to make him happy, but you’re giving him fleeting momentary moments of happiness by buying him things; think of his long term happiness instead, that’s much more important. Saying no and instilling boundaries is about his lifelong ability to have good relationships and find satisfaction in the non-materialistic things.

Mine was a bit like this. He thought every ball in the world was his personal possession at that age, for example.

He did grow out of it. He's diagnosed autistic.

He was fine today and we had such a fun day until he saw the Amazon delivery driver at the window.

Again assumed it was for him ( it was the Janet Lansbury book, some messy play trays and a tablecloth ) and he just started going mad and was trying to open it and couldn't wait despite me telling him "no, mummy is opening this please".

This was the first real tantrum of the day.

But things are a lot better and I will start reading the book tonight.

You are doing so well with this new tack! Good for you!

@watermybegonias - Thank you so much. The support on here has been amazing!

The tantrums would upset me as I would get so stressed but now I don't take it personally and understand he is unable to regulate and control his emotions.

Amazing! Great progress. I guess it will go up and down, but you’re on the right track.

Could you maybe have a temporary rule of not opening any parcels while he's around. Just put them on a shelf or shut them in a room and "we will think about that later" then distract with something else.

The parcel opening thing will be hard for him as he will struggle to understand why he can't open it but you can.

But that’s the whole point - he needs to learn that not everything is his! You can’t hide stuff around the house in case the toddler kicks off, otherwise he’ll become a very odd entitled teen and adult.