Does my toddler sound spoilt & advice on how to deal with this?

[spoilt4advice]

I have a 2.5 year old and I genuinely believe his behaviour is really spoilt and goes beyond a normal toddler tantrum.

We go to the park and when he screams "it's mine!" if another child is on a ride.

If a parcel arrives he will automatically assume it's for him and will go mad unless he opens it first.
Today he threw his toys at the wall and wouldn't stop screaming until the box was opened.

When he saw next door neighbours toddler boy with a pram he wanted one and wanted to take his.
I ordered him one next day delivery as that night all he moaned about was "my pram. I want pram".

If anyone dares moves it touches his toy he will have a tantrum.

For example in the garden he has a bubble blowing machine and I turned it off.

He had a massive tantrum and he actually went and turned it back on and then turned it back off as if to prove a point "its mine".

I really try my best with him as he is extremely hard work and demanding.

To be honest I literally count down the hours until he goes to bed some days as his behaviour is just too much.

Most days are battles with him and he is very whiney and I feel bed a I feel as if I am always eithe saying "no" or telling him off.

He also spits at me and hits me.

He will start spitting at me if I start eating food despite him having his food.

Currently looking at nursery for him for when I go back to work and for some respite and time away from him.

I take him out once a day.
He has garden toys.
A balance bike.

I try and keep him active and do fun activities with him.

TIA x

Small children will respond to whatever attention they can get, be it negative or positive.

What you are effectively doing by constantly indulging him is telling him ‘your tantrums are ok, and will get you what you want AND my attention’.

Parenting is hard. If you do not do the hard yards now, I can assure you in 10 years it will be beyond difficult.

Ignore the tantrums, make the slapping and spitting unacceptable and shut down the attention he clearly gets from these behaviours.

At the same time, reward the good behaviours. Really praise the good stuff. Words matter, and you need to ensure he learns that good behaviours result in attention and praise. This will also help his self esteem. Children who act out as a result of poor boundaries or lack of boundaries set by parents often have lower self esteem too.

Stop being a lazy parent - because simply giving in is what that is - and get some backbone. Have a strong word with your partner and ensure he does the same. Buying him everything he wants and simply saying ‘don’t do that’ isn’t going to cut it, I’m afraid to say.

Either that, or be prepared to have a son who treats you with utter contempt in years to come. Read some of the threads on here regarding teenage boys who effectively hate their mothers and expect the same from yours. You reap what you sow with children.

Two and a half is the literal peak of human violence, so some of this is to be expected.

It does sound like there might be some neurodivergence also. Perhaps talking to your health visitor would be a good idea.

I’d really recommend the book How To Talk So Small People Listen and Listen So Small People Talk for giving ideas of ways to cope with their demands. And ways to stay calm when frankly you’re feeling anything but!

Well yes he’s spoilt and you’re doing him no favours whatsoever. He’s learnt that if he cries and screams, he’ll get anything he wants. He cried for the toy pram so you got him one next day delivery, have you ever read Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? He’s giving Verruca. Do some parenting!

I know Jordan Peterson isn’t popular on here but I remember him saying you should make sure you like spending time with your children because if you don’t, other people won’t. Make your children likeable humans.

He sounds normal for a toddler in that they do tantrum and cannot handle disappointment. Your job is to help him learn to handle it and your problem is you constantly seek to appease him to stop the tantrums because it makes you feel like you are a bad parent. You can't fix a tantrum. Let them do it. Keep them safe so if you need to physically move him away from stairs, sharp objects etc. When he calms down explain " I know you are upset but that is Toby's pram" then give him a choice " Shall we go and get your scooter or your ball?" If he tantrums again let him, then hug him and calmly explain again. You aren't helping him by trying to fulfil every wish because whilst you can't really call a 2 year old spolit for developmentally normal behaviour....wanting their own way...if you don't teach him how to deal with it he will in future become spoilt.

I can't even tell you the number of times I carried my dd out of soft plays, shops, friends houses to go and cool off and the endless patience it took but we got there eventually. She's 13 now and still flounces off and slams doors but she is a good girl.

Yes, you’re spoiling him. He’s like this because you’ve trained him to be like this. You’ve taught him that screaming, shouting and whining means he’ll get what he wants.

You need to stop this quickly. You mention his father spoiling him. Could you explain the true meaning of “spoiling” to him? It doesn’t mean treating a child like a prince/princess, it literally means spoiling them, ie damaging them and ruining their character. Also assure him that it doesn’t mean his son will adore him. It just means his son will take him for granted, think his parents are servants to him, and not feel normal parental love.

Sometimes children will respond to requests and explanations, eg. ‘Please don’t spit at mummy. It’s not nice and it makes mummy sad’, but sometimes they just need firmness. “No” all by itself can be enough in the right tone of voice accompanied by actions (eg removing them to another room, taking them home from the park, etc, etc).

If your partner doesn’t want him to work what is he expecting his life to look like? 😳
He’s really not helping if this is going to be his mindset for the next 16 years!

For now keep out of shops with him for a start.
What do you do when he spits at you? That would get a firm loud NO, holding or pinning his arms down and getting down to his level.

I would definitely do this but with shorter sentences as he’s only 2.
If he’s spitting at you when sat at the table you would simply say ‘no spitting’ and lift him down from the table.
If he goes to throw something you need to take it ‘no thank you, we don’t throw’ etc
You need to keep language simple and direct especially when a meltdown is in progress. When the moment has passed you can breezily say ‘ready to eat?’ Or ‘let’s play with this ball’ and continue.
At 2 he is little more than a baby, you are the parent and by just giving him everything he wants you’re giving yourself an easier life because you hate it when he cries/screams but unfortunately that’s not parenting!

I knew someone would mention neuro divergence when it’s clear in the op that he’s two and when he cries he gets what he wants. Perfectly normal for a child to throw a tantrum when they want something. He’s learnt that when he does that he gets what he wants. He doesn’t have the vocabulary at his age to articulate clearly what he wants and why. He also doesn’t have the emotional regulation of an older person. Lots of good advice on this thread but the most important bit is no must mean no.

Yeah, your kid is out of control and you're way too complacent. You need to set clear boundaries that show him that you make the decisions in the house, not him.

You are spoiling him, but DH is ruining him. You need to be united, he will undermine you at every opportunity. There will be a £150 quid bit of landfill arriving soon.(of all pointless "toys" electric cars imo are the worst. Batteries run out, unless you have a huge paved area or an empty park where can they use them?) If he can't acknowledge that there is a problem, you lost before you start.

All toddlers go through the mine phase and it's really hard. You said you say yes 90 percent of the time you need to be saying no instead. My son was also really badly behaved at that age and we basically had to have zero tolerance for any bad behaviours especially hitting and immediate natural consequences. My son was so bad we had to make no hitting/throwing toy signs and put them up around the house. Anytime he slapped he had to go to his room for 15 minutes and anything he threw went into a box for 24 hours. it took time but it did work.
It will only get worse once he goes to nursery if you don't address it now. My son had some horrific public meltdowns but we never gave in no matter how much he acted up and he's the sweetest little boy now.

I mean you are literally answering your own questions here....you need to parent him.

Maybe get a calendar and start talking about it with him showing him he can have a little treat at the weekend but big presents come at Christmas and birthdays and get him to count how many days weeks and months that is?

There’s your problem. You need to say no, and let the kid melt down but stay firm.
The park thing is normal but explain everyone takes turns and remove him from park if necessary til he calms down.
Do not let him open everything.
Do not order him new toys for no reason- no next day delivery.
hive him consequences for the spitting.

And yes - send him to a nursery asap! It’ll help socialise him, help with the sharing etc and give you some respite

He sounds like most toddlers on a bad day.

Do you do any stay and play/ toddler groups? That's were they learn everything is to share.

You are raising a spoilt brat and if he carries on like this at nursery and school, he’s going to make himself very unpopular.

They’re absolutely correct though.

The phase is normal but you have to work through it and not allow them to get what they want. Its the tine to teach sharing and no etc. Its tough but if you dont you are creating a nightmare.

OH also says he doesn't even want our son to work when he is older.

I wonder why your OH thinks thinks this would be a good thing? Does he expect the two of your to work until you die to accommodate this? Where will he get money from after you both die?

Does your OH want your son to be in good relationships, and feel secure both financially and romantically? A job is a good way to obtain this - not many people want, or can afford, to be in a relationship with a voluntarily unemployed man.

If he's always looking for the next best thing even as an adult, he will not be a happy adult.

All the money you'll save on toys could be invested to give him a deposit for a house when he's ready to buy.

You’re buying him presents you’d normally get for a birthday or Christmas for having a tantrum. Picture him now having a tantrum and picture him as a 16 year old having a tantrum. It’s much easier to get on top of it now. I’m not saying it’s easy and he does seem quite boisterous even for a toddler but it is doable to establish boundaries now and will pay off massively in the longer term.

First try and get DH onside. It’s much harder if you don’t have a united front. Giving into him doesn’t make him happier, it makes him feel insecure because there are no boundaries. Kids like boundaries because they know where the limits are. You don’t have to shout or be mean, just take him quietly out of the situation, explain why you’re doing that and say we can go back to the play barn, party, playground if you play nicely. It’s not just your swing, seesaw, roundabout so everyone should have a turn.

What’s he like with other adults? Could your parents or siblings help with this? Sometimes it’s easier if you’re only dealing with it occasionally. Whatever you have to stick with it and eventually it will get easier. You don’t have to worry about his behaviour all the time, he sounds like a normal toddler but you do have to have clear boundaries and not be afraid of him. Also as much exercise as possible seems the best way too. When mine were tiny being out several times a day worked better for them. They just had so much energy.

You’re a lovely kind mum but you’re mistaking being kind with anarchy!

Also give him more attention when he’s being lovely. I don’t mean completely blanking him when he’s screaming, just not making a fuss of him. You can say something like screaming isn’t very nice for everyone else we can have a chat when you’ve calmed down.

Buying pointless stuff to appease him in the moment is pretty poor parenting, which you obviously acknowledge.

You are his parents and it’s up to both of you to be firm and set expectations and boundaries or are you hoping someone else (in authority), will do that such as school teachers? School will be really hard for him if you don’t nip this in the bud now.

He’s only a toddler but until he learns that he can’t always have everything his own way, you’ll find that other parents will actively avoid him (and you!), and he won’t be invited to play dates as no one wants to deal with someone else’s brat.

You can easily deal with this now whilst he’s little. It might take a few weeks to undo your poor parenting, but stick with it. Consistency is key. It will be far harder for all of you if you leave this any longer.

In the nicest possible way, one of your main jobs as a parent is to actually parent him. It’s not just about keeping him happy and healthy. If you don’t start teaching him from this age whats acceptable and whats not, you will be posting here further down the line asking why your teen son is playing up so much. In my opinion, the real hard work starts from this age. Saying no and sticking to your boundaries will be your biggest asset here going forward.

You need a serious conversation with your partner about how his approach is not helping your son at all. There will inevitably be things he wants that you can't buy for him, whether it's toys that just aren't that easy to get, things he can't have or do because it's against the law, or, most notably, friends. Spoiling him now and making him think he can do and have whatever he wants is going to mean no child wants to be friends with him, and the biggest tantrum in the world won't change that.

When he bites or hits you, do you only tell him that he's naughty, or are there consequences?