Does my toddler sound spoilt & advice on how to deal with this?

[spoilt4advice]

I have a 2.5 year old and I genuinely believe his behaviour is really spoilt and goes beyond a normal toddler tantrum.

We go to the park and when he screams "it's mine!" if another child is on a ride.

If a parcel arrives he will automatically assume it's for him and will go mad unless he opens it first.
Today he threw his toys at the wall and wouldn't stop screaming until the box was opened.

When he saw next door neighbours toddler boy with a pram he wanted one and wanted to take his.
I ordered him one next day delivery as that night all he moaned about was "my pram. I want pram".

If anyone dares moves it touches his toy he will have a tantrum.

For example in the garden he has a bubble blowing machine and I turned it off.

He had a massive tantrum and he actually went and turned it back on and then turned it back off as if to prove a point "its mine".

I really try my best with him as he is extremely hard work and demanding.

To be honest I literally count down the hours until he goes to bed some days as his behaviour is just too much.

Most days are battles with him and he is very whiney and I feel bed a I feel as if I am always eithe saying "no" or telling him off.

He also spits at me and hits me.

He will start spitting at me if I start eating food despite him having his food.

Currently looking at nursery for him for when I go back to work and for some respite and time away from him.

I take him out once a day.
He has garden toys.
A balance bike.

I try and keep him active and do fun activities with him.

TIA x

I agree. You are raising a very spoilt and entitled Brat.
Can you imagine how much worse his behaviour will become as he gets older, bigger and stronger?
Stop indulging his every demand and put firm boundaries in place now.
You are the adults. Parent him properly. For everyone's sake.

We both tried for years to have a child together and it was only after he was born I was diagnosed with endometriosis which explained the years of unable to get pregnant (very grateful for our child and love him to death).
I think at times we get carried away and we need to stop and establish firm strong boundaries.

This is going to sound very harsh and I might get some backlash but it’s true - just because you struggled to conceive your child doesn’t mean you love them any more than any other mother. They are no more special in the eyes of the world than anyone else. It is your job as a parent to raise them to be likeable, tolerable, and to ensure they can function in society. That will give them the best chance in life - not toys. My oldest daughter had a bratty phase and it was a nightmare, and she was my first so it was hard to say no, but you gotta say no. We all think our child is special and deserves the world, sometimes that makes it hard to say no, but saying no is a kindness sometimes.

..helps me restrain myself from putting him in the bin" 🤣

Yes he sounds thoroughly spoilt and unpleasant. And this will only get worse since it sounds like he will be an only child. The whole “he won’t need to work” comment is quite frankly utterly ridiculous.
Parenting does actually require you to parent - set boundaries say no and follow through with consequences. I’ve dragged my kids out of shops when they’ve started with the whole “I want I want I want” behaviour. STOP buying him things!!!

Sounds like neither of you say no to you and buy him what he wants and then you wonder why he’s behaving like this

you need to be tough and stop this now

hes 2 and he’s has learnt his behaviour gets him stuff

boundaries

no means no

spitting hitting all unacceptable behaviour. You tell off. You removed. You ignore him and say not nice and walk away. If out you go home at once and say why

This! Sorry but you are literally listing out multiple ways yoy are spoiling him. Toddlers need boundaries and jf you say no, stick to it. They need to hear no. They can be upset; yoy acknowledge and comfort but you don’t change your mind. you and your partner need to get on the same page and toughen up. Of course you want him to be happy but you need to do that through connection and fun and time with him, not buying stuff and giving in to every ask.

It doesn’t matter if you took a long time to have him. Boundaries and no arent cruel, kids need them. Otherwise he will get to a teen never having heard no and he won’t listen when you say no to alcohol, drugs etc

Most of what OP describes sounds normal for 2. For my 1st dc, 3-4 was the worst.

Janet Lansbury has a podcast which I listen to, less so now, but fuck when I was deep in the trenches I listened to a few every night. I was dying. 😵‍💫

Try:

Calm Parenting Podcast/Kirk Martin
Raising Good Humans/Dr Aliza
Toddlers Made Easy/Dr Cathryn
Unruffled/Janet Lansbury
Good Inside/Dr Becky
Momwell/Erica Djossa
Katie's Crib (ended in '23, but there were so many episodes that were helpful!)

I have others, but I hope this will point @spoilt4advice toward some helpful info.
OP isn't failing and DC is not spoiled.
My advice is to take it all in and let it filter out in a way that works for you. It's series of phases, some stick longer than others, and all we can really do is try and cope. 💐💕

Please don't do this.

My son was non verbal unril he was nearly 7, diagnosed by the NHS at 3.

He still knew hitting and spitting were completely unacceptable. I would never have bought him something just because he had a tantrum (very different to a meltdown, where I still wouldn't have bought him anything involved in it).

He is now 13, and we have gushing phone calls since he moved to the large state secondary academy, and parents meetings where the teachers sing his praises. We were surprised because we assumed manners, being polite to your elders and showing kindness were the very basics of behaviour.

In posts like the op's, where there is a very obvious cause for her child's behaviour (hers...) it can be damaging to assume instead some sort of neurodiversity.

You need to deal with your husband as much as your child. Tantrums are normal for a two year old. Comments like not wanting your child to work are ridiculous.

I ordered him one next day delivery as that night all he moaned about was "my pram. I want pram"

This is your issue, he moaned so you immediately bought him one! You are teaching him that his bad behaviour brings him rewards

You’re creating problems by constantly giving in to him. He screams, you get.

Two year olds are little tyrants anyway, but you caving into him will make him spoilt.

Each time you give in, you make the next tantrum more likely, because he has learned that they is how he gets what he wants.

Say no and ride out the storm. The answer isn’t buying him everything he wants.

It sounds like he has a ton of stuff and is so surrounded by it that he doesn't see it as interesting. I'd put most of it in a cupboard, and focus on all the things you can do with a small number of toys and books. I'd also go absolute cold turkey on buying more stuff. Get one thing out of the cupboard stash every few months. Get books from the library. When, in 5 years, you realise he's grown out of most of the stuff in the cupboard and has never missed it, you can sell it as new, or donate it to charity.

At this age (and for years after) my son loved Sarah Garland's Eddie books, which give you a load of interesting things to do, none of which involve buying plastic crap off Amazon!

Much of his behaviour sounds normal - what doesn’t sound normal is your response I’m afraid. I know how hard it is BUT they only grow out of this phase if you establish clear enough boundaries that they learn the tantrums are a waste of time. You have to stand up to them consistently on poor behaviours no matter the consequences. I have one toddler a bit younger and one a bit older - I’ve never ever bought them something in a shop because they asked for it, my son asked for a microphone after an event we went to with one and my answer was consistently you’ll have to wait till Christmas but you can make a pretend one. He made a pretend one from his toys eventually. One time I let him choose his own snack from the cupboard and for about a week every time I gave him an alternative snack he fought about it but I was consistent in saying that he has the snack I gave him or nothing - eventually he stopped. A kid was biting at nursery and he got bitten badly, then he started doing it to me - every time I moved him far away and was very clear about how that was not ok - he stopped doing. Now his little sister is doing it to him and I do them same thing (plus big cuddles for him) - it’s reducing with her as well. In the case of the biting - they tend to cry when I move them away from me because they know they are being “punished” and I let them because that feeling that “I don’t enjoy the outcome of my biting” is unfortunately how they learn not to do it. All to say - yes it’s brutally hard but you have to do it if you don’t want your child to go from being a normal “spoilt” toddler into an abnormal spoilt child. The other trick that worked well was a timer for getting my eldest to be gentle to his younger sibling - if he crossed the line too much he “lost” a toy for five minutes on the timer - he loathed it and I used three times in the first day but haven’t had to use it in months except once or twice reminding him I could. You also sandwich that with loads of praise for behaving well - every time he is super sweet to his sister I make a big fuss of him - so he learns to do it.

Positive reinforcement is effective. Catch him being good and give lots of praise. Keep your language quite simple. So if he is misbehaving repeat the same words. Just be really firm. The constantly giving into him isn’t working so you need to just stop. Deal with the tantrum. Remove him if he isn’t doing what you ask him to do.
My eldest was a monster at this age. I would tell her before we got to places what I wanted her to do - listen to mummy, be kind. Then if she didn’t do those things after a warning we would leave. Any tantrum meant I would stand firm and just say no.
Honestly children are maniacs. You’ll be fine just make sure you and your DH both follow the same rules. Children respond quite quickly when you’re very clear.

Watch some of the parenting stuff by Dr Daniel Amen , an American psychiatrist. He states that when a child tantrums the answer is no and the child needs to be told the answer will always be no !

To be honest OP, as much as yes, boundaries are important, two year olds don’t really understand them.

When they want something, they want it. Other people’s wants and needs and desires are secondary. I had to leave a park with my DS at the same age because another child was there with a ride on car and DS just wouldn’t leave him alone. I was out with my DD and my friend yesterday. Her DS is only five months younger than DD but the difference is huge (my DD was three last month.)

Hang in there. Your DS sounds a bit like my DS at the same age and he’s a lovely boy now, has lots of friends, lots of energy, loves nature and yes he can be annoying as hell as well but generally he’s a little sweetheart. But I didn’t enjoy him at two at all, not one bit!

@spoilt4advice Please have a boundary and stick to it. When he screams and you give in, you are rewarding this behaviour and teaching him to do it more—because this is how he gets what he wants.
I worked so hard with both my kids to teach them right from wrong, not to hit, bite, scream etc. It was so frustrating when they went to school and were then physically and verbally abused by other children whose parents had not bothered to teach their kids to be decent to others.
That’s life I guess. That’s how the world ended up with Donald Trump. God help us all.

You have taught him to behave like this. Do you really think that rewarding screaming and tantrums is going to stop them happening?!

Okay, you have literally caused this behaviour by giving in to him all the time and letting him have his own way.

You “just want to see him happy”, but this isn’t a kindness to him. For a start, he isn’t happy. But mainly, you are raising a child that nobody wants to be around.

With this attitude he won’t be able to make friends because other children won’t want to be around him. Teachers will struggle and other adults won’t put up with this behaviour.

It needs nipping in the bud. It will be tough. Very tough. There will be lots of screaming and you will have to put up with it, because that’s okay. It’s always okay for them to be sad and to express that.

It will take a while for him to learn that you mean what you say, because you’ve spent his entire life telling him your words are meaningless.

Please stop giving in every time as you are fiddling the behaviour, but I totally understand being stressed by the screaming. My second child is extremely temperamental like this (but not in a "buy me this/that's mine way... Just the "no" phase does not seem to stop 🙈) and even now at 9 it's a struggle.
Teaching him to wait for presents is a valuable skill for the future to learn delayed gratification.
Why not take a picture of it when he wants something and explain that closer to birthday/Christmas he can look at the photos and choose the present he would like from that. Look on the calendar with him so he can see how far events are.
Also teach him about other people's birthdays/mother's day/just because so he gets joy in doing things for other people (even a drawing for daddy who had a long day at work or having a big cuddle with mummy).
I usually have my 2 a budget of a pound when we went out on an outing (not every day) so they can choose what they want and when budget is gone it's gone.
When you go shopping let him help make the shopping list (I used to draw mine so my son could follow it in the shop) so he helps fill the trolley/find products.
I find it helps sharing what you are looking forward to yourself (material and immaterial) so they can learn these feelings too/voice it for him maybe: "oh I'm really looking forward to that chicken roasting in the oven, it smells so lovely." That way he can see the what but also the why 😊
Be clear about the fact that public/shared places/toys are for everyone otherwise you could be heading towards bigger difficulties/violent behaviour towards other children.
Nursery is a wonderful idea both for a break for you but more importantly for better socialization for your son.
Don't buy the electric car!!!
Good luck!!!

Grit your teeth through the tantrums and take deep breaths. My DD wasn't much of a tantrummer but when she did, she really went for it and it was awful. I remember feeling like I wanted to cry, scream, run away AND scoop her up all in one, but I had to sit there as emotionless as possible for almost an hour sometimes (talking to her or touching her made it worse).

Anyway, once you start enforcing boundaries, just to say his tantrums will most likely escalate.... You have to get through these to get to the other side. It'll be tough but worth it OP!

Probably the most unconstructive answer I've seen on MN. How unnecessary.