Does my toddler sound spoilt & advice on how to deal with this?

[spoilt4advice]

I have a 2.5 year old and I genuinely believe his behaviour is really spoilt and goes beyond a normal toddler tantrum.

We go to the park and when he screams "it's mine!" if another child is on a ride.

If a parcel arrives he will automatically assume it's for him and will go mad unless he opens it first.
Today he threw his toys at the wall and wouldn't stop screaming until the box was opened.

When he saw next door neighbours toddler boy with a pram he wanted one and wanted to take his.
I ordered him one next day delivery as that night all he moaned about was "my pram. I want pram".

If anyone dares moves it touches his toy he will have a tantrum.

For example in the garden he has a bubble blowing machine and I turned it off.

He had a massive tantrum and he actually went and turned it back on and then turned it back off as if to prove a point "its mine".

I really try my best with him as he is extremely hard work and demanding.

To be honest I literally count down the hours until he goes to bed some days as his behaviour is just too much.

Most days are battles with him and he is very whiney and I feel bed a I feel as if I am always eithe saying "no" or telling him off.

He also spits at me and hits me.

He will start spitting at me if I start eating food despite him having his food.

Currently looking at nursery for him for when I go back to work and for some respite and time away from him.

I take him out once a day.
He has garden toys.
A balance bike.

I try and keep him active and do fun activities with him.

TIA x

Your husband doesn’t want him to work ? Huh! I bet he will change his mind as your son grows up and he sees what a spoilt young adult is like !

No advice OP really but just messaging to say this sounds hard. We are not very good at consistently saying no, but have never had to deal with spitting/hitting etc. so I think you do have a particularly tantrummy toddler to contend with. And a tantrumming toddler is very hard on the nerves!

I think you know that you need to be firmer, so now you need to brace yourself and do it.

The Whole Brain Child is quite a good book on how to deal with children who’ve totally lost their rag.

He’s never going to learn how to regulate himself, accept disappointment, entertain himself etc if you give in to his demands every time. You might be making him happy in the short term but when he’s at nursery or school and has no friends, or when he gets suspended from school, or when he can’t hold down a job or a relationship, will he be happy then?

This is wise. Our DS is 2 and a bit, at nursery a few days a week and understands sharing and taking turns (although he doesn’t always want to) and we’re now trying to teach him that even at home other people get to choose sometimes. For example in the car he’ll ask for songs he likes and we’ll play them, but in between DH or I will choose a song and just drill over and over that it’s our turn to choose, so we’ll play his song after. He’ll whinge about it but we carry on regardless.

We do buy him things outside of Christmas and Birthdays, but very rarely on demand (exceptions being if we take him to a bookshop he can choose a book, in the charity shop he can choose a toy). We were at a BBQ the other day and he had a great time on their trampoline so we’re looking for one on marketplace, but it’ll be a surprise when we find one, not because he asked, which he actually didn’t.

It sounds like you have two battles here OP. Learning to sit through his tantrums for you, and getting your DH on side. No amount of nursery will help if you undermine the sharing / turns lessons every time he’s at home.

Well he’s going to need a lot of toys to play with because he sure as hell won’t have any friends at nursery/school if you carry on like this.
You are both letting him down massively by creating a little monster who will not have any friends and won’t be invited to playdates/parties.
He sounds awful if I’m honest but this is a mess of your own making.
Can you ask a health visitor for some parenting classes?

Well of course he is going to continue screaming and throwing a tantrum if it gets him what he wants. By giving in, you've actually trained him to behave like this!

If you want him to behave properly, you have to teach him. Toddlers are little savages, until we socialise them. Ignore the tantrums, screaming, if he throws things, take them away and put them out of reach. If he's hitting and spitting, you say a firm 'no hitting/spitting' and then you walk away from him. The trick with tantrums is to make sure they're safe and can't knock their head on anything and then move away and look busy - go in the kitchen and wash up or fold laundry! If you're out at a shop or park, just stand by and let the tantrum play out - don't speak to him and perfect the art of staying calm and looking faintly bored. Once the tantrum is over, you just say cheerfully 'Oh have you finished? Shall we go in the garden/read a book/make some lunch now?'

Alongside this, you need to heavily praise the good behaviour, if he sits nicely, if he plays nicely, if he does what he's been asked to - you need to catch him being good and praise to high heaven!

First rule of parenting toddlers: never ever ever give in to tantrums. Because then they’ll know that all they need to do to get their own way is have a tantrum. He’s behaving that way because he knows you’ll give in to him. Say no and mean it. Boundaries boundaries boundaries!

Stop buying him things just because he demands them. What you did with the pram is ridiculous.

Yes, he is spoiled. You’re the adults, stop it.

@spoilt4advice I have 2 dc and can’t remember them ever kicking off when wanting things and not getting them. I do however remember saying to them on a regularly basis whilst out shopping ‘oh, you like that? We can add that to your Christmas list to send to Santa’. It seemed to work. And no, I didn’t add it to their list and they completely forgot about it.

Mine only really got things at Christmas and Birthdays. Enough to last the whole year.

Try to not buy so much for your dc to get him out of the habit of expecting everything and assuming he owns everything. Make him wait until presents are usually given.

Toddlers are absolutely unreasonable and horrible little gremlins sometimes..I often say it’s a good job they are cute!

Most of this sounds normal for his age and I would just ignore him when he has a tantrum, carry on about your day and say “when you are ready we can have a cuddle” and don’t give in to whatever is causing the tantrum. He might lay on the floor for 20 mins screaming, don’t worry about, put some music on your headphones while he cries, he will eventually calm down. I don’t negotiate with terrorists toddlers 😂

If he is hitting and spitting I would remove him from the fun and ignore him. I often have to put my youngest into another room for a minute or two (she is going through a hitting and pinching phase)! He will soon get the message that this behaviour means he misses out and he doesn’t get attention.

When he is behaving make things really fun for him and give him lots of attention. Good luck x

I agree. He sounds awful and that is a direct result of your parenting choices.
Stop giving into him.
You will have problems with nursery AND school if you don’t get a grip on this. Other children won’t want to be anywhere near him.
Ordering the pram overnight delivery was spectacularly stupid.

Yes, he sounds spoilt and he appears to have been the centre of your universe (not in a good way) for a long time. Daycare and your return to work can’t come soon enough.

This, 100%

The way to handle a tantrum is exactly this. Be calm and stand there doing nothing. Look bored, indifferent like you’re waiting for a bus. Don’t be on your phone etc as that’s just rude and will make him feel dismissed. Just calm and bored. Once he’s done, exactly as this, say ‘done? Okay let’s go do xyz’ and connect. Over time he will learn that tantrums do not give him big reactions (attention from parents and reactions are what their brains want), nor do they get him what he’s looking for.

Loads of great parenting accounts out there. I’ve learnt a lot from Bratbustersparenting on instagram.

You can turn this around, honestly. May feel impossible now but just a few weeks of consistency and you’ll see changes. You’ve got this. He’s still young and learning how the world works, you can teach him still.

Im sure it’s already said but:
kids need firm boundaries to feel safe and loved, at 2 they are starting to test boundaries in life and they need you to set them for them (for example saying no, telling them the correct way to behave etc)
What consequences do you give if you say no and he bites/hits etc?
He needs you to stop spoiling him so much and he needs you to step up and set him boundaries.

Janet Lansbury also has a website and a Facebook page. It's a whole philosophy called RIE and is really interesting. It starts from birth! Anyway hope all goes well. Sounds like you really want to do right by your son, which is great!

So there is your answer, right there, in your own words.

You give in. And he is learning that if he behaves badly, you give in.

Start being a parent and learn to say no FFS.

Yes. He is spoilt. Because of your actions, not his. He has learnt he’ll get whatever he likes if he continues fussing, so of course he fusses. Amazon next day delivery because he whined about Antonia nuts. You are failing him by not teaching and giving him firm boundaries.

He is very little and of course he wants everything he sees, but its your job to teach him that he can't have everything he wants. I think most people struggle with seeing their child cry, I know I did, especially with my first. He has to learn that no means no, and you have to learn that he is not crying because he is sad, he is crying to get what he wants, its learned behaviour. I have a couple of nephews who were like this, my sister couldn't bear to say no to them or see them upset. They both ended up fine, kind empathetic young men, but their childhood, especially adjusting to school and trying to make friends was really difficult for them. You don't want to do that to him so you need to sort this out while he is still small. Ignore him if he is tantruming, and don't allow him to hit or spit, either have your dp take him away if he does it, or remove yourself.

This is great advice.

You have to actually parent the child & teach them.

just giving in & buying them everything they want and more is as you say only making things worse

nursery does sound like a good idea but please remember its not the nursery staff’s job to teach your child to share/play nicely. What if he gets aggressive/hits other children? He will be expelled before the month is out

First of all, you have identified the causes and issues so be proud for foreseeing the problems you are potentially setting yourself up for if this continues.

PP are correct if this continues it will make problems.

So first of all you can explain to him that packages are for adults only (others have suggested an up front rules list) but even in the moment you can do this. It will result in screaming and crying as happens from a toddler. You have an even better exciting (non gift or asked for experience) ready e.g den, hide and seek, how fast can we run up and down the garden, mummy and me race, colouring, ideally something a little bit new.

If he continues to scream and shout then walk away making sure the package is out of reach. In a few minutes make the other offer. Don't negotiate or over explain (don't mention the package even if he does) - he is very young so his choices are the new activity.

He has learned that if he shouts and screams something arrives in a package that gives him a sense of satisfaction but if will not be long lasting because he is so little.

It will take time because he is so used to getting the "I ask and I get or I ask and I make the noises and I get" but it WILL get better. You just have to be brave through the storm and diversion might help.

"Yes I have heard you want that it looks nice. Hey how about we see how many steps it takes us to the next lamppost? (what about we do x,yz") would have a list to hand of indoor and outdoor optional "games" to play and divert (count the car colour cars, tongue twister rhymes).

I myself struggled with infertility and I also know how easy it is to over compensate. I won't say my own story but I do think this is relevant as you have mentioned it.

I agree with this. Alongside diversion but not being what has been asked for.

Is it worth you spending time on finding ways to help yourself cope with the tantrums? No one enjoys them, but they are going to happen for years to come in some cases and you’re going to have to learn to cope (be regulated) so you can help your child cope (regulate themselves).

The tantrums will only escalate with inconsistent boundaries. You can’t realistically say yes to everything your child wants, so what then? Plus, it’s no good for them - they thrive and feel safe off knowing their boundaries. They need you to help them cope with emotions (cuddles, songs, let them cry to you and know it can help!) and not just buy them something to stop it happening.

One final thought, two year olds have no idea what they actually want, they are very egocentric and just point at things saying it’s theirs. They don’t actually really want it for their own benefit and it’s up to us to decide what’s actually good for them - you clearly know, so it’s time to set some boundaries with your partner that you both agree to (e.g. when / how many toys to buy reasonably) and implement.

I have three and only one of them went through a phase like this. Honestly, I just started being short with her. “I want I want” “well you’re not getting it” kind of thing. It was a fucking pain I cannot lie and I was so happy when my son didn’t have this phase and it’s not looking like my second DD is either - but some kids do have a bratty phase. You need to nip it in the bud asap, and it will be an absolute slog - but better sort them out now vs have to deal with a spoiled teenager.

🙄

Toddlers are quite difficult, starting to challenge things, terrible two's for a reason! You're giving into everything in the hope of an easy life - unsustainable.

Time to show your little one that bad behaviour is not acceptable and please, stop rewarding bad behaviour. No presents until b'day and xmas.. and not because he demands it.