Does my toddler sound spoilt & advice on how to deal with this?

[spoilt4advice]

I have a 2.5 year old and I genuinely believe his behaviour is really spoilt and goes beyond a normal toddler tantrum.

We go to the park and when he screams "it's mine!" if another child is on a ride.

If a parcel arrives he will automatically assume it's for him and will go mad unless he opens it first.
Today he threw his toys at the wall and wouldn't stop screaming until the box was opened.

When he saw next door neighbours toddler boy with a pram he wanted one and wanted to take his.
I ordered him one next day delivery as that night all he moaned about was "my pram. I want pram".

If anyone dares moves it touches his toy he will have a tantrum.

For example in the garden he has a bubble blowing machine and I turned it off.

He had a massive tantrum and he actually went and turned it back on and then turned it back off as if to prove a point "its mine".

I really try my best with him as he is extremely hard work and demanding.

To be honest I literally count down the hours until he goes to bed some days as his behaviour is just too much.

Most days are battles with him and he is very whiney and I feel bed a I feel as if I am always eithe saying "no" or telling him off.

He also spits at me and hits me.

He will start spitting at me if I start eating food despite him having his food.

Currently looking at nursery for him for when I go back to work and for some respite and time away from him.

I take him out once a day.
He has garden toys.
A balance bike.

I try and keep him active and do fun activities with him.

TIA x

Thank you so much for the advice, I will be taking notes on this and sharing it with OH.

Its like one of the other neighbours has one of those electric cars on the front porch and every time we go past he says he wants it and "I want it mummy/daddy".

They cost around £150 and I was considering this for his 3rd birthday but OH was like "No, he can have it as a gift why should he wait for his birthday?". "Our son can have whatever he wants".
Its comments like this we clash on.
OH also says he doesn't even want our son to work when he is older.

We both tried for years to have a child together and it was only after he was born I was diagnosed with endometriosis which explained the years of unable to get pregnant (very grateful for our child and love him to death).
I think at times we get carried away and we need to stop and establish firm strong boundaries.

I don't think this is necessarily a problem. I've bought my child a toy before because they've wanted something that someone else has or enjoyed playing with someone else's. It depends whether you as a parent think that it would be a good toy for them to have.

Some of this is normal but you seem to have no boundaries.

You do need to pick your battles with toddlers, don't say NO to everything. And be careful with transitions i.e. I wouldn't just stop his bubble machine, I would tell him I would do it after X thing happens, so he knows what to expect. And then stick to it. If he tantrums, he tantrums.

You remind me of a cousin of mine. She's randomly strict with her son sometimes, and overly indulgent other times. It obviously doesn't work and her 5 year old is a nightmare.

He's not a baby anymore where you just had to feed him and clothe him.and comfort him. You have to teach him how to function in society. He doesn't know the rules. And he doesn't have the capacity to regulate his emotions.

You're focusing too much on the gift giving. If you have money, I don't think that's the biggest issue (although it will be a problem soon). Focus on the behaviour.

They cost around £150 and I was considering this for his 3rd birthday but OH was like "No, he can have it as a gift why should he wait for his birthday?". "Our son can have whatever he wants".
Its comments like this we clash on.

Yeah, this is more of a problem. Your DS needs to grow to appreciate that he's part of a family and his wishes don't always come first. Otherwise, he's going to struggle when he's one of a crowd alongside other children. There will be lots of things that he can't have or will have to wait his turn for at school and nursery.

My son was developing really well too before the age of 2.5 but then something switched in him and he was unable to tolerate loud noises, enclosed spaces or having his hair cut or his teeth brushed. A google search says it’s sensory processing disorder, which usually occurs alongside ADHD or autism. Since I have ADHD and sensory issues, it’s likely he has ADHD too.

Does your DS have sensory issues at all?

Sometimes we project things onto our children that are not there like defiance and aggression. Does your husband also feel like he’s spoiled and mean? What does your extended family think?

Some of this is normal 2 year old behaviour testing and pushing boundaries but I say this kindly your parenting is also contributing. You need to set firm boundaries and not give in because he has a tantrum - do you want to be that parent whose child is universally disliked because they can’t behave ? you are setting him up to fail at nursery and at school and find making friends difficult.

Please act now before it’s too late. When you say no mean no don’t give in because he has a tantrum. If the parcel isn’t his he doesn’t get to open it. Just because the child next door has a pram doesn’t mean you order him one immediately on Amazon to turn up tomorrow. If he has a tantrum at the park he gets a warning that if he carries on you will go home and mean it. You also need to get your DH on board so you present a united front to parenting maintaining the same boundaries and consistency of approach.

I can definitely relate to some of this my daughter is 2 and a half and she was our miracle IVF baby. We definitely buy her more toys and things than we should but we do say no to her and she definitely knows the difference between right and wrong. She would never spit and or hit us. The more you set boundaries and learn to say no the quicker they get over it’s a skill they need to learn. Nursery also sounds like a great idea for him they will have good ways of dealing with this behaviour that they will share with you too and he will learn to share and listen to other adults who won’t allow him to behave like that.

You are actually harming him if you continue to allow him to become spoilt and entitled. You know this I think which is why you’re questioning it. You OH sounds a bit nuts to my ears. Unless you’re very rich, your DS will need to support himself in the world, which means he needs to have normal life skills, like empathy, hard work and resilience. How are you going to approach this with OH so you can both be on the same page for a big change in your parenting?

So I think his behaviour is in the realm of “normal toddler” testing, especially as it sounds like when he has demanded something in the past you have often got/bought it for him. I think with long wished for children it can be especially hard to see them disappointed, so it makes sense how you have responded up until now.
if I were you, I’d have a read of Janet Lansbury and pop on a couple of Dr Becky episodes - they are really good. She is a kind parent, but robust and explains the importance of boundaries (and how to feel more comfortable with them) really well.
also one thing that has worked for me (I also struggle to say no and have a child who is now demanding because of it): in shops you can take photos of things he wants and pop them on his birthday/christmas list: this means that you’re not always saying no and shows you’re listening to him but not his servant! Good luck

It’s absolutely fine for buy a toy you think your child would like but what’s not fine is buying one next day delivery just because he said he wanted one.

What happens when they want a horse or dog or toy that’s too old for them etc.

He’s being taught that if he wants something he’ll get it and that’s going to cause so many problems long term.

Parenting is a balance of love and boundaries. I think you need to look at the imbalance you have and address that.

Yes, he's spoilt. Very spoilt.
What is the consequence for spitting?
Ours were bought two books each every month, occasionally a toy.
McDonalds was a monthly treat
SoftPlay was a monthly treat

However, they had:
Playgroup
Monkey Music
Story time at the library
Park at least 4/5 times a week
A ride on Thomas if they were very very good at the supermarket
They were read to daily
Sung to daily
Played in the garden daily
Collected pebbles, leaves, examined insects

Are you investing time in your child and playing with him? Are screens limited.

The most horrendous thing you have typed is that your dh doesn't want him to work. He must have a work ethic - it's important.

We are very wealthy. Our DC weren't materially spoilt, were expected to be polite and to work hard. We also suffered secondary infertility. It isn't an excuse to bring up a brat. Verucca Salt springs to mind.

Best schools
Best Uni's
Trustafarians
They were brought up to expect to bloody well work.

OH also says he doesn't even want our son to work when he is older.

This is batshit. If he doesn’t want your son to have to work, is he also going to discourage school? Where does the madness end?

To be honest, that will be causing most of the problems at the moment and if you continue whilst all 2 year olds strop, very soon he’ll be a 4 year old having a meltdown because he gets 90% of what he wants.
Toddlers want stuff, they always have a meltdown if told no but you can’t just let them have everything they want.
Ive had 3 boys and I’ve lost count of the amount of times when they were small that I’ve had to march them out of a shop, surf board style under the arm with them kicking and screaming.
They get over it, until the next thing. You need to model the behaviour you want, make a big thing of sharing etc
One of mine went through a hitting stage, I asked the HV about it and she said to cry out in pain and cry really dramatically! I felt pretty silly but I’ve never seen a little person so shocked, and he certainly hit less after that.
I also wouldn’t use the word ‘naughty’ it doesn’t mean anything to them. ‘Kind hands’ ‘ no thank you’ etc were my go to phrases.
Nursery will help him learn to share toys and play alongside others, he’ll soon get the hang out of things with kind and consistent boundaries.

Are you or your partner incredibly wealthy? Do you expect to come into money?
It's a crazy suggestion of not expecting your child to work! Especially if you continue to buy him everything he wants whenever he wants it. I don't see how that is sustainable.
This makes me now think this is a wind up.

This does also just sound like 2 though. I know a lot of these toddlers. Mine has never been possessive about things and is happy to share - nothing to do with me I am quite sure, it’s just innate! But try ever telling her what to do… phew! 2/3 is bloody hard work. I think you just keep trying and hope they grow out of it, worry if they don’t.

Also, re the pram - it’s okay to get kids little presents to make them happy I think! Your DH sounds a bit extreme, but a little cheap pram he’ll enjoy, especially if he’s not at nursery so only has what you have at home and you’re working bloody hard 24/7 to keep him entertained! No judgement on that. My daughter is recently into Frozen so I got her an Elsa doll which she loved as expected (she smiled and said thank you and that she loved it - all very nice) Then she said where’s Anna? So I got her the Anna doll too. Not quite overnight but almost. It was £7.50. She was at least £7.50 worth of delighted and has played with them for many hours at this point. I think that’s fine…

So he screams he wants a pram and you rush off and buy him one ! You have taught him he gets what he wants if he screams. You are the problem not him.

I think you need to be really blunt with your husband and say something really simple like:

"By giving into him all the time we are turning him into a spoilt brat, if we keep going he will have no friends because noone will stand to be around him. I will not do that to our child"

Me and OH do find it hard to say no to him and even in shops if he see's something he wants 90% of the time we will buy it him.

This is the cause of the behaviour you are seeing. Yes, he is becoming spoiled, because you are spoiling him.
If you want him to continue behaving the way he is, keep giving in to him. He’s learning this behaviour gets him exactly what he wants.

If he’s not neurodivergent in any way, here lies your issue - you both give in to him every time he kicks off so you’ve created a brat! You & your husband need to be 100% consistent & no matter how hard it is, you need to stamp it out now or he’ll get worse & nursery won’t tolerate it - they’ll exclude him. There is no way on earth I would accept my toddler spitting at me - that’s absolutely disgusting.

I would introduce an immediate consequence when he spits at you or hits you with absolutely no exceptions. He does not give a shit about you telling him it’s naughty if nothing happens as a consequence.

If he’s playing with toys and he hurts you, either remove the toy from him or remove him from the fun. It only has to be for a couple of minutes but he needs to learn that unkind behaviour means fun is paused until he is ready to play nicely.
If you’re eating and he spits at you, I would remove his food from the table, move yourself away from his reach and tell him “We do not spit. When you are ready to eat nicely with me I will put your food back on the table”. There will be a massive tantrum the first time you do this but soon he will see that you mean business if you hold firm. You cannot simply allow him to spit at you and hurt people, or you are letting yourself in for enormous problems down the road.

The 'mine' thing is apparently totally developmentally appropriate, my LO is the exact same and it goes through me.

However, it is definitely important to be able to say no - no matter how much you might suffer for it! Its crap when theyre whiney and demanding but it'll be easier on you to break the habit now rather than when hes 10.

Ignore some of the batshit responses on here.

You’ve just answered your own question. You are reinforcing his behaviour by giving in.

Part of the issue is I really cannot stand the crying and screaming (if he's not very well or in teething pain then it's different) and as soon as it happens I just want it to immediately stop.

Today he woke up from his nap and came downstairs and saw the Amazon parcel by the door and he wanted it immediately and when I said no he had the massive tantrum.

I don't know how to do when it happens as in the past I have tried walking off and it makes him worse.