Does my toddler sound spoilt & advice on how to deal with this?

[spoilt4advice]

I have a 2.5 year old and I genuinely believe his behaviour is really spoilt and goes beyond a normal toddler tantrum.

We go to the park and when he screams "it's mine!" if another child is on a ride.

If a parcel arrives he will automatically assume it's for him and will go mad unless he opens it first.
Today he threw his toys at the wall and wouldn't stop screaming until the box was opened.

When he saw next door neighbours toddler boy with a pram he wanted one and wanted to take his.
I ordered him one next day delivery as that night all he moaned about was "my pram. I want pram".

If anyone dares moves it touches his toy he will have a tantrum.

For example in the garden he has a bubble blowing machine and I turned it off.

He had a massive tantrum and he actually went and turned it back on and then turned it back off as if to prove a point "its mine".

I really try my best with him as he is extremely hard work and demanding.

To be honest I literally count down the hours until he goes to bed some days as his behaviour is just too much.

Most days are battles with him and he is very whiney and I feel bed a I feel as if I am always eithe saying "no" or telling him off.

He also spits at me and hits me.

He will start spitting at me if I start eating food despite him having his food.

Currently looking at nursery for him for when I go back to work and for some respite and time away from him.

I take him out once a day.
He has garden toys.
A balance bike.

I try and keep him active and do fun activities with him.

TIA x

This. And I think you and your OH would benefit from some couple’s counselling.

That sounds really hard.

As a FTM myself my advice may not be the best - but my LO peaked with this at 2.5 and now shes nearly 3 and its starting to wane. We have had some earth shattering tantrums and the temptation to give in was so painful, but ultimately it got easier every time with consistency.

My husband is also inclined to spoil so I had to have a talk with him about some of the unpleasant behaviours I was seeing and he got onside when he realised how it was ultimately impacting my ability to parent.

Consistency is really key!

He is spoilt because you both spoil him!
Of course he can't have everything he wants - what does that teach him?
If he has a tantrum because he wants something, just let him scream - he'll get over it.
You are currently ruining his character, and he won't cope well at nursery or school.

Just say NO, mean it, stick to it & ignore him! You need some distraction & diversion strategies but NOT alternative ‘rewards’ or bribery. Otherwise, you just shift the problem. It’s hard to break an ingrained habit but you’re the adult/parent & it’s your job. Kids need clear boundaries & relentless consistency - even as young as 2yrs old.

You really need to push through the discomfort it makes you feel and just let the tantrum run its course (without him getting what he wants as a result). Every time you give in to a tantrum, you are reinforcing the behaviour as a tactic that works for him. The more you do this, the more he will tantrum (and the longer he will keep it going if he thinks you will give in eventually)
It will be tough at first but it is the only way to break the cycle you’re in.
Btw, tantrums are completely normal at this age. It takes a lot of patience to get through this stage but it does pass

You’ve had some very gentle responses here, but I think you need a wake up call. A 2.5 year old shouldn’t even be aware that you can order things and they’re his?!
Read your posts back. He saw something he wanted, had a fit so you bought it for him. A big gift too. Stop blaming your husband.
Say no to your kid. It will get worse and school will be a nightmare. Get consistent and strict if you have to before it’s too late. You’re putting yourselves first before him. You don’t like the sound of screaming but this is what you sign up for.
You can do it, but effort and hard work will need to be put in.

Stop buying him whatever he wants all the time. Set firm, but appropriate boundaries with real world consequences that are appropriate for his behaviour and then FOLLOW THROUGH. Don't make ridiculous threats that you'll never go through with like "If you don't do XYZ you're never having any toys ever again", but consequences that are logical like "If you don't put your shoes on, we can't go to the park" or "If you don't take turns on the slide at the park, then we will go home now". Sometimes if he has a tantrum, just let him have a tantrum. After, you have a cuddle and tell him you understand why he was upset, but you still aren't going to relent on XYZ boundary you've established. Nursery will help. Unfortunately this type of behaviour is imo very common in (although not exclusive to) toddlers who don't have siblings and don't attend nursery as they don't get the hint that the entire world doesn't revolve around them like they do if they have siblings or regularly interact with other kids at nursery. There may be neurodivergence at play, but imo most of this behaviour is probably down to you not setting firm enough boundaries, giving in too easily because you're scared of the fallout if you don't (tantrums) and him not attending nursery and socialising with peers his own age, ESPECIALLY without you present

Hi, I know you say that giving him what wants isn't helping the problem, but I would argue is causing the problem. I know that what I will say will sound so simplistic but just say no and let him have the tantrum. He will cry until he wears himself out. Just do it every time.

I have three children and am an early years teacher (in a private school) and have had my fair share of teaching children who have never been told no. I would say that children who are spoiled are less happy. They seem to be miserable unless they get the short lived dopamine hit of getting what they want. They are always the ones crying, whinging and getting upset about small things and often they have the lowest confidence. All anecdotal but ive seen it with my own eyes for over two decades.

Read 'No Bad Kids' by Janet Lansbury. Her method is about taking all of the emotion out of putting boundaries in place, and establishing yourself as a strong leader in the family. Its not too late to start making some changes but your partner has to be on the same page as you or it will not work.

Er stop giving in to him. Kids are going to cry. Start parenting

Not sure what others have posted, but I would quite happily just say 'no' without any other explanation (to toys). The first time you do it, prepare for a huge pushback but just keep saying no. If he hits you physically stop him and say firmly 'i will not let you hit me'. Its really just about consistency. Keep doing it every single time and he will get eventually. Let the tantrum happen. The struggle is where the growth happens. Children need to know that they can have huge feelings that distress them but that you're not perturbed by them and that they pass. Its hugely importance for building resilience in children.

Part of the issue is I really cannot stand the crying and screaming

As a mother you are biologically hard wired to find that noise almost painful.
It’s how we evolved to keep our babies safe.

Unfortunately, the more you spoil him the more he’s going to cry and the more tantrums he’s going to have.

You need to try and disassociate from his crying. Wear headphones if you’re really struggling.

The parcel I would have used as a lesson.
He does not dictate when you open it.
One day it’s going to be a surprise present for him or a neighbours package and you can’t just open it.

You should have put it up high and let him cry. Tell him you’re not opening it and leave it at that.
He’d have cried for a bit but then once he realised he wasn’t getting the reaction from you that he wants he would get bored and want to do something else.

Distraction is a great technique.
Explain why he can’t have it, let him cry and throw a tantrum then start playing with his other toys and he’ll soon want to join in and forget about being upset.

Yes, you are spoiling him. You are choosing to give in to his demands and tantrums even though it is making him unhappy and affecting his relationship with you and others around him. You are prioritising your own wish for him to be quiet and not cry over his long term happiness. You need to stop giving him everything he asks for and stop giving in to tantrums.

There need to be clear consequences for hitting and spitting, whether that is time out, loss of a toy or loss of something else desirable. It needs to be a short, clear, immediate consequence.

Your job is to teach him how to behave in the world and be happy with what he has and build good relationships with people.

I disagree. I dont like distraction techniques because they kick the can down the road and do 't give the child the opportunity to go through the emotional and come out the other side. To be used only for emergencies like you are about to board a plane or something. Agree with no bribery. It just gives kids the upper hand.

Sorry but you need to read some parenting books. This isn’t going to cut it for a 2.5 year old. Nursery won’t want a toddler who spits and hits. How to talk so little kids listen is a good book to start with.

Children thrive on boundaries, they know where they stand, it makes them feel secure. He is disregulated because your parenting isn't predictable. You need to set boundaries calmly and clearly and when he is disregulated you need to make sure that you are calm so that he can calm down.

Yes he’s spoilt as you always say yes to him and haven’t established any boundaries. He has now learnt he can get anything he wants just as long as he tantrums long enough. Being a first time parent is no excuse. You both need to grow a backbone and parent your child.

This

Why would he? He’s 2 ffs. Means nothing to him. Actions, consequences. No means no. It’s actually incredibly simple.

I was at Mother and toddlers as a child and took a toy record player off another child and hit them round the head with it because I wanted it! the toy was taken off me and I was taken straight home! There was also an incident watching jungle book at the cinema and I kept running up and down the steps I was removed and taken home! Funnily enough after both of those incidents I never did the same thing again!!

I would have zero tolerance for the hitting and spitting. If you don't nip this in the bud at two, you'll have a 10 year old or a teen who thinks that they can get away with hitting and spitting at people. Now is the perfect age to put a stop to it.

There was a Mum at the school who kept targeting my child and hitting them. The Mum's excuse was "he's only 3". Guess which kid turned into a bully and was still hitting other kids in year 6?

So, I would use a no hitting and no spitting visual and make it clear what the consequence was. I would take away a precious toy for the rest of the day as a consequence.

But also use a really firm low and slow voice getting down to his level, eye to eye. That change of tone of voice is a clear signal to your child that he is in big trouble. You don't need to shout but you need to be firm and mean it. "You do not hit Mummy. If you do that again, I will take away x toy" and do it. Put it out of reach but in sight so he knows what he's missing. And before you give it back the next day, give a reminder that if he hits or spits again, you will take away a special toy.

Don't bow down to the tantrum. Put noise cancelling headphones on if necessary and listen to calming music. Appear to be completely unbothered by the tantrum. He will soon learn.

It also doesn't do any harm to also get other trusted adults to voice disapproval for that behaviour. Perhaps saying to Grandna in earshot "You'll never guess what son did the other day? He hit Mummy!" And prep Grandma to respond with over exaggerated disapproval such as "No! That's not a nice thing to do. Grandma really doesn't like it when grandson hits his Mummy. Whatever would Grandad say to that! He would say that wasn't very nice to hit Mummy!"

Also watch out for neurodivergence as a very bright 2 year old can be a sign of something else going on, coupled with the multiple tantrums. If you set boundaries and stick to them but they're still tantrumming so much at, say, 4, then this could be another warning sign.

But get those boundaries in place now. Including a hew rule if "only grown ups open parcels" and stop buying him whatever he wants kn demand. Treat him from time to time but not because it's demanded.

I have ordered the Janet Lansbury book "No Bad Kids" of Amazon as I desperately need to tackle this asap.

He does have a very loving and kind side to him as well. He also loves to help but this other side really is a menace and I don't want to set him up to fail in later life.

Even if I toxin his toy he will say "thats mine" and begin to have a tantrum and stop as soon as I give it him back.

Good luck when you return to work. Nursery or a childminder are not going to let him get away with hitting and spitting. If he hits other children he will have consequences.

Also some parents won't take kindly to him if he hits their children. There will be complaints.

You need to parent, for his sake. You may not like hearing this and its my opinion only but you sound a bit lazy and it's easier to give in.

I've brought 4 boys up and hitting or aggession was never tolerated . I'd tell them off very firmly and the game or activity we were doing would stop . No one ever spat so not sure where he's got that from . Most of the rest is fairly normal for his age but he needs to learn to regulate his emotions going forward . Nursery is probably a good idea to save your sanity and help him learn to share .

No parent likes to hear their child cry OP but you are ruining this poor child’s future by caving in to his tantrums.
Find your backbone and say no. Mean it and follow through. He will ramp up his ranting and screaming initially because you have taught him it works. Both you and your OH are going to have to completely change his you handle him and buckle up to undo the damage your earlier actions have caused before he gets to nursery and gets the shock of his life.

I was watching an American programme once where badly behaved teenagers were being sent to a boot camp. The owner of the facility said to the parents‘Every time your two year old ignores you and goes his own way and gets away with it, that’s another time your 16 year old does the same.
Your child is spoiled when you let them get away with behaviour that you don’t like, just for an easy life. It doesn’t give you an easy life, it prolongs the problem. Once you say no, you really have to stick to it.
You don’t need to shout, get angry or smack, you just need to be firm, withdraw if he hits you or spits at you. If you can safely leave the room, then do that, otherwise say in a very firm voice “Don’t do that “ and then avoid eye contact and don’t speak for a couple of minutes. When you do start to speak just say “ You hurt me and it upset me” Then don’t dwell on it, just act normally, never hold grudges.
Children need boundaries and will keep trying to push them until they realise bad behaviour is not the way to get what they want.