AIBU to refuse doing stepchildren’s handover because husband is working late?

[LarryParker]

Husband shares custody with his ex of their two children (13 and 16). They have always worked this where he collects them from hers at the start of his time and she collects them from ours at the start of hers. We live what should be about a 20 min drive from each other.

My husband works longer hours on the day that their mum collects them from ours to cover the time he works slightly shorter hours while they are here. Meaning they usually get home from school (obviously not at the moment) and wait for their mum to get here on her way home from work, usually about half 5ish.

Husband's ex had a baby 2 months ago and she has said she wants DH to drop the kids off with her now so she doesn't have to keep bringing baby out to get them. He is working until later that day so wants me to do it.

I've said no. AIBU?

For context around my no .. I work full time, have a young child of my own who I want to get home and spend time with before it's bath and bed and am just tired and admittedly can't be bothered with another trip out in the opposite direction when I get home. There are also roadworks going on a lot round us at the moment so what should be a 20 min drive each way can sometimes take 40+ minutes.

AIBU to say if DH can't do the drop back to mums then his ex will just have to bring the baby out to do them? Her partner doesn't live with her, although I believe he is moving in at some point when they find a bigger house in case anyone wonders why he isn't being asked.

if she wants to change her plans she needs to find cover not just expect one of you to do it.

It’s literally once a week, I wouldn’t even question it tbh hardly the end of the world you have half the month 1-2-1 time with your child
and the other half is still majority of the evenings what’s 1 evening a week.

OP, all you have to do here, is do nothing. Then their parents will have to sort it, as they should.

Could you switch handover to Saturday morning instead?

Why not meet her halfway. I would be sympathetic - it is really hard juggling a baby but you also have a young child. So either meet halfway so you each drive 10-20 mins depending my on traffic or just go to the school with their stuff so they don’t have to take it all to school?

should Men then never marry women with children…. When you marry a man his children are part of the deal … I can’t believe some of these replies

I would refuse this - she's unreasonable to ask. You have your own things going on and it's not your responsibility to make your own life harder do that hers is easier!
I would offer to keep the kids until Saturday morning and she could pick them up then.
If possible financially, I'd get them another console for my house, so they don't have to move theirs between houses. Maybe duplicate favourite clothes of this is an option. Then they could go to mums straight from school - it really would be better to double up on favourite items so the kids feel that both places are home, with their own stuff in each - it's horrible having to constantly pack up their stuff, like they are visitors.

This thread is so interesting. Noone is centering the children. No wonder so many adults grow up saying they hated being in blended families when the adults all act like this

or just go to the school with their stuff so they don’t have to take it all to school?

I work so I can't drop stuff off at school at 3:15pm.

A lot of the stuff they are taking back and forth was actually bought by DH. I don't have anything against them having one at each house but I think it's to do with saved games on a particular console / computer. I don't really know. I don't know if mum can afford to buy replacements for her house as well, no idea of her financial situation really.

It's not that I agree or disagree with them having one base and not moving between houses, I understand that will likely naturally happen one day as they are now getting older. I just don't feel like it's my place to suggest it. So while they are still choosing to come here 50% of the time, this is going to be an ongoing thing.

I’m lost as to how the mother sounds lazy and horrible here? Not criticising either parent(s) in this but how does she sound lazy and horrible or have I missed something? She’s asked a variation to a long standing agreement she’s not asked for absolutely anything that no new Mum wouldn’t ask in this situation. It’s like the Mum has asked you to boil a rabbit in some sort of sacrifice. She’s asked a favour, you’ve said no. Kids suffer, no one else, so just go about your merry business. When the children question any of you I hope you all have the decency and respect to give them a decent answer and don’t make them feel like they’re an inconvenience.

Well that’s for their mum who doesn’t want to collect them to answer. As I said before, OP does not have to step up where the mother is lacking, any questioning can be sorted right there.

Agree. She's got a new baby. She's probably getting naff all sleep or rest.
It would be nice for the teens to see their dad and their step mum show that they can be flexible and kind for a while until a changed arrangement (possibly the kids just staying with mum more and dad paying more maintenance) can be agreed. Dad should come back from work earlier and either do bath time with the 4 year old while step mum drives them or drive the kids himself.

So let me get this right , it’s twice a month and neither , you or your husband are willing to change your plans , why can’t you change the time to Saturday morning

But explain how she’s lacking please. Because she’s asked a favour? It may have taken a lot to ask for that variation how do you know she’s not explored every single other possibility before asking this favour? She’s not come on to a public forum saying she ‘can’t be bothered’ she’s probably scrabbling around trying to make her own household work. She’s clearly incorrectly assumed that there is the possibility that the father or her children and their step mum would be anything but reasonable, more fool her. I’d say no like the OP is going to and then hopefully when there’s a variation ever needed in return or some sort of leeway needed somewhere that the OP thinks better of asking.

I'm another one asking why a Saturday changeover wouldn't be a better idea?

I don't think she's unreasonable to ask, but it's fine to say no. Her ex can't do it. He has clearly massively rearranged his schedule for the original arrangement if he's having to work until 9 on her collection day, so she'll have to come up with a solution if she wants to change it.

A 3rd child always has to be gotten up and out for the others, it was one of the hardest parts of having 3- getting the others to school on time and picked up. The mum will have to get them.

Well if you all work together to make the transition as arduous as possible they'll soon stop wanting to come so problem solved.

Saturday could work and I can suggest it.

They are usually pretty keen to see their other parent by the time Friday comes round. But I can suggest.

Dh works most Saturday mornings though so would still be mum having to come out so not sure if it would make much difference to her.

I am not calling her, nor have I during this thread called her, horrible, lazy or anything else. My only question was AIBU to say no to DH asking me to do it.

DH can take them home at 9/9:30 when he gets home if he is happy to let mum drop the rope on her pick up for now.

A late evening drop off won't do them any harm at their ages! They'd still be sleeping at mums that night wouldn't be lugging stuff on the bus, etc.

He could say he will do it temporarily, he doesn't have to agree to do it every time as a long term permanent change.

YANBU

DH needs to reply to ex and say unfortunately that doesn't work for you both and that the current arrangement will have to stay as it is.

ETA to sound less obstructive, he could suggest that they get the bus, but it will mean leaving the games consoles that DH bought for them permanently at your house, due to all the luguage they take back and forth!

ETA some more - if your DH has already agreed to this without asking you first - then he needs a good talking to.

At 13 and 16 they can get an uber or a taxi or a bus or whatever. Or wait until their Dad is home? Or just go home to their mums house after school. Yanbu.

It’s a one off, I think you could help on this occasion

How about changing the handover day to Sunday?
Whatever you guys decide I really hope the kids don’t feel like an inconvenience, it’s not their choice to live in two homes.
thats not a dig at you OP it’s just that my two share homes between me and their dad and a few times I’ve had to call him out on his use of words around them like it’s hassle getting them from a to b.
tbh the suggestions of carting their stuff around and getting two busses seems unfair to me, maybe when they’re older but as much as they’re teens they are still children x

Seems a bit naff then being at their dad's house if they aren't actually seeing their dad during the evening though.

It seems like everyone in this arrangement is focused on what suits them /their new children and not on the original children who they all knew existed and deserved to be prioritised rather than watching their parents produce new babies