AIBU to refuse doing stepchildren’s handover because husband is working late?

[LarryParker]

Husband shares custody with his ex of their two children (13 and 16). They have always worked this where he collects them from hers at the start of his time and she collects them from ours at the start of hers. We live what should be about a 20 min drive from each other.

My husband works longer hours on the day that their mum collects them from ours to cover the time he works slightly shorter hours while they are here. Meaning they usually get home from school (obviously not at the moment) and wait for their mum to get here on her way home from work, usually about half 5ish.

Husband's ex had a baby 2 months ago and she has said she wants DH to drop the kids off with her now so she doesn't have to keep bringing baby out to get them. He is working until later that day so wants me to do it.

I've said no. AIBU?

For context around my no .. I work full time, have a young child of my own who I want to get home and spend time with before it's bath and bed and am just tired and admittedly can't be bothered with another trip out in the opposite direction when I get home. There are also roadworks going on a lot round us at the moment so what should be a 20 min drive each way can sometimes take 40+ minutes.

AIBU to say if DH can't do the drop back to mums then his ex will just have to bring the baby out to do them? Her partner doesn't live with her, although I believe he is moving in at some point when they find a bigger house in case anyone wonders why he isn't being asked.

I'd judge dad if he wanted to change a long standing arrangement regarding his kids due to his new baby, just as much as I judge mum for wanting to change long standing arrangement to do with her kids due to her new baby

It’s the mum who is trying to change the routine, not OP.

That wasn't my point though, was it. It was why use such nasty language to describe the dc ; "their bag loads of stuff" "they can learn to use buses like the vast majority of teens.

I said nothing about whether OP was reasonable or not, only asked why speak in such a derisory way about the children.

Has their mother said how long she’s not going to be picking them up? I would do it for my DP if it was agreed at 6 months for example.

I wouldnt even be discussing it. No.

keep saying no. Nothing else.

Why don’t they stay the night, during term time he drops them at school, in the holidays he takes them to mums before work.

Who is expecting you to do this drop off-the ex or your DH?

They're 20 mins away from each other?

What do you mean 'who moved away'. How close in proximity do you think houses/flats can be found like that? Next door neighbours?

yes, 100%

you can’t subsidise her life by making your life lots harder. It is hard with a baby, but she needs to call on help from her side to make it work….or bring the baby.

Just change the handover time and day to Saturday or Sunday at whichever time works best for both parents

She has to collect her children if that is the agreement.
People have new babies all the time and older children still have to be delivered to and from evening activities. Its just a short car journey and the blended family is not relevant. She has to parent all three of her children and collecting her older two is part of that.

Your husband can drop them off later can't he? Why do you need to do it earlier.

Why don’t you just change the swap day? Surely a Saturday or Sunday morning would be easier and your husband wouldn’t be at work. If Mum goes back after mat leave then it could change back then?

Where is the stepdad stepping up in all of this?

Stand your ground you are absolutely right!

They stay with each parent for the week (dropped off / picked up on Fridays). They wouldn't want to leave their gaming stuff for a whole week at one house. Especially during the holidays.

So surely the sensible options are either to change the 'swap day' to Saturday (or Sunday if your dh works Saturdays) or for each parent, in turn, to move their stuff at some point over the weekend, when it suits each of them.

The teenage children have two perfectly functioning parents who choose to try and outsource their parenting responsibilities to the mother of 4 year old child. It's time for the teenagers to crack on and get themselves between parents. If that doesn't work for them then daddy can run their bags of stuff home after he finishes work the night before and the teenagers can take the bus home - empty handed - after school the next day.

I am sorry to go against the majority here. You married a man with his own children, this means —if you are all to get along in the longterm— a bit of flexibility/willingness to help out on both sides is the kind & sensible thing to do.
As a compromise could you do one trip & her partner do the other just until she gets into the swing of having a young baby? She has teens and a newborn, maybe agree an amended arrangement until her baby reaches six months?
I think you refusing here flatly sends a negative message to her older children that you are also step-mother to?
It sounds as if once the kids are back at school your DH can return to his usual method, so not long really?

100% THIS!!

Astounding that the older kids got boring so quickly and she now fancies palming them off on someone else!

She better learn quick how to manage HER OWN family!!!

I was out food shopping 2 hours after my 4th was born! She needs to try and get a grip and realise her responsibilities I’m afraid!
If she can’t afford a maid or a nanny (as I couldn’t!) she’ll have to flipping well do it herself, like the rest of us!

She can’t be expecting her ex’s new partners to sort her kids out, no way 😂
YANBU!

Gaming equipment at both houses would be helpful. ……… said as a mother who has to watch her kids lug their expensive and probably easily broken game consoles to their father’s every other weekend and back because he’s too tight to buy them anything to play at his house (and too lazy to actually amuse them in any way whilst they’re there )

That's not an unreasonable thought. In my experience a lot of kids stop moving between the parents when they are teens and pick a permanent base.

Anyway - I don't believe in treating step kids as extras, I think if you take them on they count as yours. I would offer short term to split the pick up with mum. But also look longer term at a more sustainable arrangement. Which could mean having stuff at both homes, or kids learning to drive, or changing working or pick up days, whatever.

What about doing sat - sat or sun- sun?

Op had chose to have a child with a man who already has children. None of the adults in these children's live should be treating them like an inconvenience. They
It's a bit grim that all 4 adults are acting like this rather than working together to find a solution

Neither of the parents should have started new families. But as the job is done all the parents in their lives need to set up a sensible system

She books a taxi. If DH is feeling kind, he pays every other time.

So if he drops them at their mom’s at 10 isn’t too bad then. And at that time it’s unlikely there to be any traffic especially vs 5-6pm so win win. They sleep in anyway.

Maybe that's the best solution. They stay mainly with mum and he sends her extra maintenance. Most teens would prefer to stay in one place I expect