AIBU to have the ick over this?

[InconsiderateBoyf]

I'm in what some would consider a long term relationship. Been with my boyfriend a few years. Don't live together, each have one child similar ages, rarely spend time all together with the children too, just due to busy lives (I work weekends)

So this weekend we went to a large park which also has deer there...on entry I'd bought both our children animal feed, so they could feed the deer.
A short while after, boyf goes into the little shop and reappears with ice creams... initially I thought he'd bought us all one, then noticed there was only two.
Great I thought, he's bought both our children one...but no! He'd bought himself and his child one, no fucks given whatsoever about my child.

Now, I don't expect handouts. But these ice creams were £1 each. But it's more the fact he didn't consider my child.

I think it was a bit of a realisation at how selfish this man can be and has made me reconsider our whole relationship, to be honest.

AIBU to be so peeved by this? It has given me the serious ick.

YANBU. listen to the ICK.

Bookmark this moment. I would have a small wager you will find yourself coming back to it.

I hope everything works out - especially for the kids. This isn't nice for either of them.

I think he's shown you who he is and I'm not sure I could move past it, even though it seems like such a small thing on paper!

No, I declined sharing his.

Total ick, and unforgettable.
I think I’d have to pass him over.

Missing the point of the thread but I feel you need to share this golden nugget of a park with both deer and ice creams for only £1. The holy grail of school holiday outings

also your bf sucks

Yes I think this is a strong possibility, just autopilot.

But at the point I commented, he could've rectified his thoughtlessness and chose not to.

He doesn't view you and your dc as family....if he doesn't now after however many years then he never will. Not buying an ice cream is a small thing but it emphasises a much larger issue in your dynamic. Not sure if he thought about it and discarded that thought or didn't he think about it at all but this small thing shows where he's at in your relationship and this tightness would be a deal breaker for me.

Behaviour is a language

His living standards are so poor you cant bare the thought of living with him

he's never bought your child a present despite. You buying his kid multiple presents

CF. I would have embarrassed him there and then.

‘Oh I thought one was for dd, dd, which ice cream would you like? Let’s go and get one for us now.

Life is too short to be with such a cheapskate. Please don’t say you paid for the tickets too!

Totally agree with you. Chuck him back.

He doesn't see you as a family unit. If you guys got married, I suspect he would never treat your child as his own, or even fairly.

You're on different wavelengths.

I wonder if something has actually changed, and the something is you.

Because really, him not buying an ice-cream for both children is exactly what he has always done with birthday and Christmas presents. But the lack of reciprocity then didn't make you go WTF? the way the ice-cream did yesterday. What has changed is how you notice and interpret his behaviour, you have become more aware of his inadequacy. Yesterday it wasn't inconsequential thoughtlessness in the moment you saw, it was a glaring example of a permanent personality defect. That's what's changed.

You mentioned "My childs Dad treated me appallingly after two decades together". I wonder if your self assurance has been slowly slowly reestablishing itself over the years and it's just reached that tipping point now; where you've got all the big stuff dealt with and you have the headspace to see the smaller stuff and it's significance. In which case, I'd say you are in a very good place, emotionally.

How can anyone be that stupidly awful?
You are wasting your time with him - avoid.

Given your updates OP, what is the point in this relationship? He's thoughtless, selfish, doesn't reciprocate (although I probably wouldn't buy presents for children that I have no relationship with), his home is a mess and you couldn't see yourself living with/building a home or life with him.

The little things are often clues to bigger and more important things.

Where is this place that has ice creams for £1 each?!

Misses point of thread!

Seriously though @InconsiderateBoyf that is really shitty and rude. He could have at least asked. To come back with ice creams for himself and his child, and not be arsed with you and your child was mean and thoughtless.

I would not be taking the relationship much further. He's shown you who he is. A tight-fisted, thoughtless oik, and you (and your child) deserve better.

Do NOT have children with this man. In fact do NOT even live with him. He will not look after you if you become vulnerable, (Which you would do if you had a child with him.) As I say, I would be seriously considering letting go of this relationship. Meanness is a horrible trait in anyone, and you don't want to be stuck with a man who is mean.

.

Thank you so much for this.

I have done a lot of work with my counsellor and I definitely have much better boundaries than I used to have. Two years ago, I wouldn't have even made a comment about it..would have just felt sad and annoyed but said nothing, so actually I guess you're totally correct in that I've realised what I will and won't tolerate.

Obviously I still question myself a bit, hence the post. But seeing 98% of posters agree with my thoughts, has been really helpful to know I'm not being ridiculous.

Yes, it's "just an ice-cream" ...but it's the underlying message, value and consideration for my child that has opened my eyes.

My DH did this in the early days.. I was out with my sister and her 3 kids and my 2 kids, and he came to meet us with his 2 kids. Part way thru the day he went to the shop to buy his two a drink and when he came out I pointed out that he hadn't got ALL the kids a drink. He was a bit embarrassed and said 'ah sorry, I'll learn one day!'. He's generally thoughtful and kind, and it was just done out of force of habit because at that point he'd only really done things with just his kids. He never did it again. Point is, it sounds like a pattern with your partner. Mistakes can happen but if this is part of a bigger picture you need to take note.

A family member did this last summer. We were all queuing up at the ice cream van after agreeing to get the kids a lolly. She stepped ahead at the last minute and got one for each of her children without asking my DD what she would like. She was only 4. The lollies were £1 each. I can’t fathom how someone can do that and be so brazen about it.

She is notoriously tight fisted but even despite her usual meanness I was still surprised and hurt. I had just bought lunch in the cafe for my daughter and even though hers had already eaten, I got them a pizza to share, coffee for her & I and had made an 80 mile round trip to meet them at a park 5 minutes from her house. I haven’t made any plans with her since and won’t be doing for the foreseeable.

Meanness is a horrible and very unattractive trait and I would seriously be reconsidering my relationship with this man OP.

Your poor child! It's so awful to witness someone doing that! My neighbours granddaughter was playing over my house once, my neighbour handed over an ice cream over the wall for her granddaughter, but didn't give my daughter one. The look on my daughter's face, broke my heart 😩

I wouldn't do that if I was out with a friend and their dc, let alone a romantic partner!

Very unappealing, I agree.

If he really couldn't muster the extra quid for an additional ice cream I would have expected a conversation about when ice creams were bought at the least.

That’s terrible! Instant dumping offence!

The more you post, the worse he sounds. Tight and rude, it would be the end if it were me.