To think this comment from manager was completely inappropriate

[Banannanana]

I was eating a cake at work having eaten a sandwich and a donut four hours earlier. This is over the course of a 8 hour shift. My manager came in today and said “all you’ve done today is stuff your face” and laughed. He is a jokey type of guy always but AIBU to think this is too far? He’s a 50ish yo man and me a mid 20s woman for context. It massively upset me as I have previous issues with weight and eating (which he wasn’t to know). How do I raise this?

Struggling to explain why it’s hurt me so much as when I told my work friends they just went “oh yeah its a bit much but probably banter” so how do I put into words why I’m so
upset?

Ignore it and move on?

Is everything offensive nowadays?!

You say you have previous issues with weight and eating but maybe they are more current than you think if this comment has upset you?

I got a bit of this from some male colleagues in my 20s, I breezily told them to shut up every time.

I'm very courteous in the workplace so it was direct enough to make a point while keeping the atmosphere light.

To add: I think it clearly upset you due to your previous issues around food and body image and because the comment came at unexpected time and in an unexpected place, where you could reasonably expect to be protected by professionalism.

You went from feeling safe, to unsafe.

Try to identify and name your feelings and put them into context. This man thought he was being funny, not personal (men in the workplace are often idiots). I wouldn't make an issue of it unless it happens repeatedly, but if you decide to make a complaint (formally or not) then I would support your decision to do so.

If it happens again, you respond with something along the lines of, "do you really think it's appropriate to comment on someone's eating habits, John?' Delivered in an arch tone.

If you'd like to address it directly with him, then I'd suggest something along the lines of, "I know it was banter, but I didn't appreciate the comment you made about my eating on X day. It made me uncomfortable, please do not make such remarks again".

You can then take it further if you need to, ie if he reacts badly or carries on.

Also, please remember that a healthy relationship with food includes indulgences like having both some cake & a doughnut on one day. It can also be hard to maintain meals without sugar spikes during a working day in an office. Please don't let his comment get to you, your eating showed how far you've come since your issues around food - don't let a thoughtless remark from an ignorant tit at work derail you. You know better than he does and his comment was a reflection on him and his unhealthy attitude, not yours.

I’m not saying you should never speak up for yourself when someone upsets you, but I think it’s valuable to look inwards before looking outwards. By that I mean, when something upsets me (triggers me) I examine why that is first. Sometimes I come to conclusion that it’s a ‘me’ problem and sometimes I come to conclusion that I’m justified in being upset.

I also consider people’s intent. We all have moments were we unknowingly put our foot in it, so I like to give a bit of a grace because that’s what I’d like someone to do for me.

Consider though - that you’ll make life harder than it needs to be if you perceive every clumsy interaction as an offence and confront people on it. Sometimes you’ve just got to let things go.

it’s a bit rude but thTs it and the context makes no difference

How do you raise this? You don't.

You get over it and move on.

You've going to need to toughen up if you want to survive the next 40+ years of work, OP. That comment sounds to me like your manager being jovial - and getting it wrong. At your age, I was one of only two women working on a huge construction site in London Docklands, an experience above all others that taught me how to stand up for myself.

Fuck me, you'd never have survived in the workplace "in my day", I'm 20yrs older than you and being groped by male colleagues, customers and managers was the norm.

A donut and a cake in one shift? That is quite a lot for one entire day, nevermind one shift BUT that was very rude of him to word it like that. I would ignore him and if he does it again, or similar, file a complaint.

I think it was just a slice of cake...not a whole one.

I fucking hate men who do this at work. I used to eat my breakfast in the office and the same guy every day would express faux amazment that anyone could possibly need three crumpets. He would try and draw others in to judge to 'can you believe how many crumpets Potential eats'. I cycled in after my early morning weight lifting. I was working out so much my maintenance calories were 2800. I'm 6ft and at that time had a tonne of muscle (RIP). I also have a history of EDs and it would make me feel so frozen with anger and shame. Commenting anything other than 'ooh that looks nice' or 'nothing better than a hot crumpet/fresh salad/bbq bison' is rude, childish and unprofessional.

Ooh I was unknowingly sitting on that rant for the best part of a decade.

“Yes, and I’m still young and beautiful.” Or something equally cheeky.

Yes it was inappropriate. Your eating issues are irrelevant, do not refer to them in any conversation at work.

It is 2026 not 1986 and managers are expected to observe normal politeness and avoid making personal remarks. Dismissing it as 'banter' is nonsense, because banter is shorthand for inappropriate comments made at another person's expense.

How you deal with it depends on whether you can be bothered and what your workplace is like. If your workplace has a generally poor culture and no HR structure, you may conclude there's little point trying.

The first step with something like this is to make it known you're not happy. First time you say something pretty simple such as 'I feel uncomfortable with personal remarks like that'. Do not divulge your eating issues, you don't need to and they are not anyone's business at work.

Unsafe? Unsafe from what? As @WhattheFudgeareyouonabout says what?!

@Banannanana that is sooo fuckin' rude to comment. YANBU!!

Yes it was rude. Colleagues shouldn't comment on each other's food. Managers certainly shouldn't. His words imply you are not pulling your weight at work, just taking breaks. That's the angle that would annoy me. All that said I think its silly to mull it over and turn it into something that it isn't. It's just work banter and really not a big deal. I'm able to give as good as I get at work with jokey banter and would have responded with something smart. I'd much prefer this type of environment than more serious colleagues who are constantly talking about their diet and counting calories, and then quietly judging the person eating.

Theres no place for banter in the work place.

I think it’s best to just not speak to each other anymore. Less upset.

It’s an awful comment and the reason you’re upset is because of the underlying criticism and judgement which is that you are lazy, greedy, “stuff” your face in a piggish way, can’t control yourself, work is not your priority…. Etc It probably raises self image issues, work ethic issues and clearly puts you under the spotlight of feeling scrutinised. Horrible!!

What you do about it is entirely up to you and within your control. It will depend very much on how you view yourself, your position (in life and work) and how you view him.

Give this some thought, make a balanced decision and then stick to it. Whether you deal with it or not is not important it’s whether you stick with what you have decided the best course of action to be.That will help you feel more in control and reclaim your equilibrium.

I'd probably make a joke if I saw someone eating cake and a donut on the same shift if we were friendly. I feel dessert foods are a safe, light hearted topic, I guess not anymore. It's dangerous being amongst people these days. Absolutely everything is offensive.

Strange comment. We have moved on somewhat from customary groping at work precisely because some women spoke up. The fact that you shit up and put up is not quite as impressive as you think.
I am also 20 years older than OP and have only ever been groped once. Went straight to HR with that one and that was it. Certainly wasn't the "norm" for me.

Having said that, I would encourage OP to "put into words why it upset her". I very much discourage the focus on personal feelings when communicating in the workplace. Op, if you want to talk about this with your manager, you need to focus on facts - I.e why you feel this comment was inappropriate in the workplace and what you are hoping to change going forward. Sharing feelings a shouldn't be the aim. So what is it that you want to achieve with this conversation?

What kind of cake?

Everyone just needs to sit in silence, don’t say morning in a cheerful tone in case someone is sad. Don’t compliment anyone is case it triggers them. Don’t ask how someone is, in case they are having a bad time. Or maybe you can be a grown up and go and speak to your manager and explain how his comments upset you and you would appreciate it if he didn’t mention your eating habits in future.

Get a grip woman . How on earth are you going to get through life looking out for offense everywhere. Snowflake generation .