To think this comment from manager was completely inappropriate

[Banannanana]

I was eating a cake at work having eaten a sandwich and a donut four hours earlier. This is over the course of a 8 hour shift. My manager came in today and said “all you’ve done today is stuff your face” and laughed. He is a jokey type of guy always but AIBU to think this is too far? He’s a 50ish yo man and me a mid 20s woman for context. It massively upset me as I have previous issues with weight and eating (which he wasn’t to know). How do I raise this?

Struggling to explain why it’s hurt me so much as when I told my work friends they just went “oh yeah its a bit much but probably banter” so how do I put into words why I’m so
upset?

Ignore it and move on?

Is everything offensive nowadays?!

You say you have previous issues with weight and eating but maybe they are more current than you think if this comment has upset you?

I got a bit of this from some male colleagues in my 20s, I breezily told them to shut up every time.

I'm very courteous in the workplace so it was direct enough to make a point while keeping the atmosphere light.

To add: I think it clearly upset you due to your previous issues around food and body image and because the comment came at unexpected time and in an unexpected place, where you could reasonably expect to be protected by professionalism.

You went from feeling safe, to unsafe.

Try to identify and name your feelings and put them into context. This man thought he was being funny, not personal (men in the workplace are often idiots). I wouldn't make an issue of it unless it happens repeatedly, but if you decide to make a complaint (formally or not) then I would support your decision to do so.

If it happens again, you respond with something along the lines of, "do you really think it's appropriate to comment on someone's eating habits, John?' Delivered in an arch tone.

If you'd like to address it directly with him, then I'd suggest something along the lines of, "I know it was banter, but I didn't appreciate the comment you made about my eating on X day. It made me uncomfortable, please do not make such remarks again".

You can then take it further if you need to, ie if he reacts badly or carries on.

Also, please remember that a healthy relationship with food includes indulgences like having both some cake & a doughnut on one day. It can also be hard to maintain meals without sugar spikes during a working day in an office. Please don't let his comment get to you, your eating showed how far you've come since your issues around food - don't let a thoughtless remark from an ignorant tit at work derail you. You know better than he does and his comment was a reflection on him and his unhealthy attitude, not yours.

I’m not saying you should never speak up for yourself when someone upsets you, but I think it’s valuable to look inwards before looking outwards. By that I mean, when something upsets me (triggers me) I examine why that is first. Sometimes I come to conclusion that it’s a ‘me’ problem and sometimes I come to conclusion that I’m justified in being upset.

I also consider people’s intent. We all have moments were we unknowingly put our foot in it, so I like to give a bit of a grace because that’s what I’d like someone to do for me.

Consider though - that you’ll make life harder than it needs to be if you perceive every clumsy interaction as an offence and confront people on it. Sometimes you’ve just got to let things go.

it’s a bit rude but thTs it and the context makes no difference

How do you raise this? You don't.

You get over it and move on.

You've going to need to toughen up if you want to survive the next 40+ years of work, OP. That comment sounds to me like your manager being jovial - and getting it wrong. At your age, I was one of only two women working on a huge construction site in London Docklands, an experience above all others that taught me how to stand up for myself.

Fuck me, you'd never have survived in the workplace "in my day", I'm 20yrs older than you and being groped by male colleagues, customers and managers was the norm.

A donut and a cake in one shift? That is quite a lot for one entire day, nevermind one shift BUT that was very rude of him to word it like that. I would ignore him and if he does it again, or similar, file a complaint.

I think it was just a slice of cake...not a whole one.