AIBU to feel contextual offers are unfair after my son's results?

[ThatQuickLilacOrca]

Results Day last Thursday and son is beyond devastated. This experience has made us realise that there’s so much discrimination on children who have attended private school. We are not wealthy at all, DHs parents have helped us pay for our three children’s education. DH and I have normal jobs I work in the civil service and DH works in policy side of things for network rail.

Anyway I am saying this because of contextual offers why can’t everyone just get the same offer based on merit. Our son had an oxford offer he missed that he got AAA instead of his offer which was A A A now he cannot go to his dream university he was rejected as he missed the offer. He is planning to resit further maths again in hopes of getting an A and we will support him with that it’s just quite sad but he’ll get over it he’ll apply again for next year the school has been ever so supportive.

He overachieved on his offer yet there’s kids getting in with less grades than him just because of the schools they go to. We did initially think for him to go to grammar school for sixth form as we have friends who’s children left independently school for sixth form for grammar schools to get lower offers for Oxbridge and one of them messaged me saying “I told you so” as her son got into Oxford for the exact same course he was just given a lower offer. I am so annoyed

I guess this is a lesson for my son he has realised the world isn’t fair and it’s quite a motivator for him. He’s a hardworking boy, he has spent some is his summer in South America teaching maths, he went to a maths competition in America this summer too, this is a very dedicated boy we have spoken to the university but they wrong budge they’re willing for him to resit and reapply next year.

I think contextual offers should only really be for young carers, children who have been in foster care, children with disabilities etc not just because of your address and the school you go to that is very unfair. Most parents at Indys are catching onto this lots are sending their children to grammar schools/state schools so they get lower offers. It’s an awful system that we have in this country. I’m so hurt for him but I know this will motivate him. He’s our eldest and we were looking forward to dropping him off at Oxford not Durham, he out Durham as his insurance he never wanted to go there! They did accept him but what’s the point, he was so upset when he logged into UCAS to see that and some is my friends advice was that he should just go to Durham why should he go to a university he doesn’t want to to. He put them as insurance because it’s the smart thing to do but deep down he always thought he’d get into Oxford. He still went out and celebrated his friends but he’ll be back to school in September, he’s looking forward to visiting his friends that are going to university and he’s recently got a part time job at an art gallery and he’s loving it so at least he’s got an extra year to enjoy that.

Sorry for the rant. Any parent just wants their son to be happy he’ll get over it in a couple of weeks as his application needs to be in by Oct so we will have to just see how this round goes he’s willing to give it one more shot.

What is his actual second choice? If he doesn’t get into Oxford which I think is the most likely outcome, where would he want to go? I suggest speaking to them in the first instance.

what is it about Durham he doesn’t like or is it just a knee jerk reaction to rejection?

shineyshoess sorry that was directed at the op not you

Boo hoo the privileged want to cheat the system to get more privilege to go to Oxbridge. We'll solve this by not helping the poor kids.
The kids who live in deprived area's and attend under performing schools. The kids who receive free meals. The kids who are the first in their families to go to University. The kids who didn't get taught during COVID because they had neither laptops not internet etc etc etc but your privileged private educated world travelling child from his middle-class academic family missed a grade so the poor kids should suffer. Nothing like punching down.

I missed out on my Cambridge offer by 2 marks 14 years ago and it was one of the best things that ever happened to me, although I didn't know it at the time.

One of the strongest things on my cv leaving uni was work experience - not going to Cambridge meant I could have term-time employment (in addition to holiday jobs/internships). I also joined a band and toured the country as the academic workload was lower! I met lots of like-minded people at uni, all bright and a few Oxbridge rejects like myself. It removed the pressure to be perfect and I genuinely think it saved me having a midlife crisis/experiencing burnout later in life.

Conversely, I know many Oxbridge graduates who are really struggling in life - my brother was jobless for years, other friends have had issues with careers and mental health. It isn't a golden ticket to happiness and it also isn't a guarantee of solid, well-paid job opportunities in future.

One of the issues my Oxbridge pals have had is realising that in most cases, following your passion doesn't pay well or doesn't give you a steady income - one of my friends is THE expert in their field, is at the top of their game and only on £40k for a highly responsible job and has massive regrets over their career path but feels it's too late to switch/they are too nervous to begin again. Another won youth awards for their writing, studied literature at Oxbridge and has never managed to get published and is depressed about having to work a corporate job to pay the bills. Essentially, many Oxbridge grads were sold a dream that if they work hard then they can achieve anything and life hits them hard when it doesn't.

I guess my point is that, at 18, I had a very strong reality check and realised a) my limitations, b) worked out what brings me joy and c) using that info worked out what I wanted my future life to look like.

Your son will be OK but the first step is for him to accept that there are pathways to happiness outside of Oxford. And if he does (fingers crossed) get in, then make sure he has the support to figure out what will bring him most joy and value for after he leaves - figure out a realistic career trajectory before he graduates and also make sure he has plenty of fun during the years at uni too!

Your sons results are fantastic.
Maybe revisit Durham with fresh eyes and not comparing to Oxford, it's a great uni and place.
I can see how families get caught up in the Oxbridge allure, however, I've also had a friend leave Oxford from the stress, so it doesn't suit everyone.

Are you American?
Your statement we are not toffs we went to Edinburgh is a really odd thing to say when it’s well known Edinburgh has one of highest percentage of privately educated students and has been in the news for it poor treatment of state pupils inc a need for lecturer training.
The things you mention like teaching maths in South America and going to a competition in America don’t carry weight on applications it’s all on grades/supra curricular/relevant extra exams/interviews as those types of overseas opportunities are clearly limited to wealthy yp only.

I don't quite get it when people say 'he went private', he got a better education. At my dc private school (minor day school) they did not get a better education - the teachers were recruited from the same pool as state schools, they were pretty average, none of that burning enthusiasm to make children fall in love with their subjects. The children were average, I mean, the physical surroundings were better, they had Latin and discipline and manners, but to say that private education is a better education and a massive academic advantage? Naaah. Sorry.

ODFOD

Contextual offers are given to the underprivileged who do not have the same access to private school, parents who can afford tutors, parents who are usually educated to a higher standard and so can support more, homes that have enough money that young people don’t have to balance work and school.

Do you actually have any idea how hard it is for families in council estates, they often have to work longer and more difficult hours just to survive and don’t have time to sit with their children and do work. They are more likely to have a lower academic record themselves and so find it difficult to support their children.

Also, it’s not private or contextual…spare a thought for those kids who don’t have parents who can help, can’t afford tutors, and don’t have the privilege of private schooling, but who live in an average postal code area and have to hit the same grades as those who are privately educated.

Don’t kid yourself, those who are privately educated are going to get better results than they would have if they weren’t…otherwise why would you pay for the education?

Contextual offers mean that my son’s girlfriend got far lower grades than him but gets to go to a top university while mine has to go to our local one…unfortunately that is life. He will just make sure to get a first so that he can take his masters at the uni he wants to be at.

Gosh. You must feel a right twit paying all that money and for him / her to not get a better education.

So I'm supposed to feel sorry for the poor privately educated child?

Very funny.

I sometimes wonder if Oxbridge is actually some kind of Big Brother type experiment to see what happens to mental health under extreme circumstances.

Stick a load of obsessive, over achieving perfectionists who have never failed a thing in their lives in one place, apply severe work pressure, tell them they are all competing against each other, add in sex, alcohol and general engage angst and BAZOOM - watch them blow!

I’m sure he’ll love Durham. He’ll be surrounded by loads of other intelligent DC who also just missed their Oxbridge offers or failed at the interview stage who also went to private school.

A big issue is the amount of international students who take the places of home students but that’s a whole different contentious issue

I went to private school, then Oxford but at the most state school weighted college which my private school told me not to apply to, on one of their most challenging courses with at the time the highest grade requirements for both undergrad and masters, having overachieved the exam marks I needed by miles. I still found the work a big step-up and a culture shock (though i did really enjoy it) - your son is likely to struggle more from the sounds of it and not in a good way. I also don't think the things that drove my career success after had much to do with the Uni i went to and would never be that fixated for my own child.

All in all, I'd never encourage my child to resit A-levels in the circumstances you describe. Its confusing blind stubbornness focused on a "brand name" with genuine resilience and determination.

So basically you’re upset op that although your son has had an advantage over 92% of his year group cohort, because a small minority of that privileged 8% seek to gain a (unscrupulous) additional advantage, your son is at a disadvantage to that tiny group? Um. And you haven’t been able to understand the responses either by the looks of your subsequent posts.

Your OP says “he overachieved on his offer” yet later you say the offer was two A stars and and A, but his results were two As and an A star.

How did he “overachieve”?

What lucky children you have, with grandparents who can fund THREE Grandchildren through private school and two university-educated parents.

Your “friend” is deluded if she thinks she gamed the system by switching her son to State for sixth form. And you are very naive to believe her. She is also a bad friend and you should ditch her.

It is an absolute waste of everyone’s time and money for your son with his excellent A level results to spend a year resitting them. OK so he made a mistake with his insurance offer. By all means he can apply for different universities next year but he should do so with the results he already has and spend the next year doing something that teaches him something about life and/or the world of work. That will set him in much better store when it comes to career choices. Another year cossetted in private school, in a groundhog day of the same classes is ridiculous. Won’t the kids in the year below find it laughable that he is still there?

Do both you and your son get that if he is only retaking 2..to get the A star..Oxford won't see that as meaningful as it's a far reduced test...compared to taking all your A levels in an ordinary way?

It's not just the grades you hold ..it's when and in what sequence you achieved them?? That Oxford will judge.

Ironically, I went to a state grammar took economics (history and English ) economics teacher left no replacement ..got 1 poor result...retook in November ...got the law place I hoped for...but it wasn't Oxbridge who can be super super selective...please really find out if Oxford is already off the table

Your posts are full of contradictions. He’s hardworking but admits he could have worked harder.
It’s a real gamble resitting. All his peers have moved on. Having exciting times at uni or gap year.
He’s an oddity stuck in with year below.
He’s about to turn 18 later this month and the world that opens up then. He’s discovers he likes going out or gets a gf and his yes mum I’ll work really hard soon wanes.
If he’s rejected Durham the place is gone (hopefully in clearing to someone who really wanted it)

What on earth made you think it was worth paying then?

Kids from private schools routinely score higher grades at gcse and a level , they have smaller classes, acces to extra curricular activities and alumni that state schools just dont have. My 3 neices attended private school and during lock down had full online lessons every day, since day 1, my state school child was barely set any work for months.

I wonder if op is not actually referring to a formal contextual offer but perhaps admissions tutors err a little higher for private pupils than state pupils.

Really curious if he visited Durham open and offer day? He’d have very much been there with his type of crowd. Large percentage from private schools and lots who are Oxbridge rejects, it’s one of things it’s known for - the students joke about it which one were you rejected by type thing.
So strange to have chosen an insurance he hated.

Mine's just done A levels as well. He missed big chunks of schooling due to Covid, because he couldn't access remote learning, had 6 weeks off in isolation when they did go back, which he had to spend in a two bed innercity/town centre flat in the first decile, with no access to outside space at all, missed a lot of school because of his disability (4 day week for three to four years) and suffered a bereavement (last grandparent) raised by a disabled single parent and suffered significant trauma as a child due to DV. He has been asked if he is the local dealer, there's a murder every couple of years within half a mile, shootings near his school and dad's and on his dad's local shopping street, several stabbings and muggings at knife point, all within half a mile. He was more bothered about how his dad was packing the shopping than the person with the knife getting chased through the supermarket.

One department at school had all but one teacher off on maternity leave/sick so a patchwork of fill in teachers.

Too right life is not fair. We all want the best for our children. We don't all get it.

Yes you are upset and disappointed, and it's hard to see that you are at an advantage when it's your normal. But you really are.

Mine's lucky he has not had to move house, though his dad has twice during secondary, and he's had enough money for food and clothes and a couple of cheapish sports clubs. (£5/ week, £2/ session)

No, I feel a right clever clogs to pay all that money so my dc went to what a standard UK school would have looked like in the 1940s or 1950s, amazing atmosphere, impeccable manners, no adults pretending to be school children in the same class, all in all, pure joy. It literally was like going to Hogwarts on a budget.

dd is just starting to look in to unis and I think many don’t accept grades achieved in different years. You have to get them all at the same time, it shows how you work under pressure/time constraints. Being able to spread them out over different years would be too great an advantage over dc who can’t do that.

Absolutely not, that is not what I meant.