AIBU to find a beach holiday with our only child exhausting?

[Flowydress]

We are on a week’s beach holiday with 15 yr old DS. He’s an only child. It’s so intense. He’s really full on and exhausting. I didn’t want a beach holiday as I feel active trips are better for our family dynamic but he and DH wanted to slob about. we also asked DS if he wanted a friend to come but he didn’t - so instead he just tells me several times when here that holidays are when he misses having a sibling. 😬

I love him to bits but he, and it, is hard work and I feel sad and just want to be at home. I know DH feels the same. I feel incredibly sad that DS might feel that way too

In terms of the dynamic, I understand why both he and you might think a sibling would've improved it, but it's conceivable you'd all have been no happier. A 13 year old brother or sister might not want to talk to him, they might argue, might be telling him to STFU all the time because he was doing their head in. Those are all realistic possibilities.

I went on holidays that age with my mum and dad. To a small island so no big AI with pools and entertainment. I found friends, went out on pedalos, went pier jumping, played bat and ball with my dad and lay in the sun and read books.

Same here. Dd is 16 and we've taken a friend with us on a few beach holidays now. Dd is happier having a friend her own age with her and we're more relaxed as a consequence. It does add to the expense though.

Can you leave DS to sleep in and join you later?
He is of an age where he is fit enough to walk a few kilometres.
Agree to meet up for lunch and dinner and for DS to spend his evenings in. Rationalise activities to do together and apart but know where you all are for safety.

I remember I made great friends on holiday at 15....and being so annoyed that I wasn't allowed to stay out in the evening with them as I would wake my younger sister when I came in. There were so many holidays where I wished I was an only child so I could do my own thing, hang out only with others my age (sister was 3 years younger). Now my sister has 2 kids that are close in age but completely opposite personalities - they have to split the family in two on holidays (mum with one of them, dad with the other). Having a friend with you would probably have been better but your son made his choice, and now seems to be fantasising about some perfect sibling. In time he will learn that the grass isn't always greener.

ugh. Some feedback for you: you sound very dislikeable

Yeah, on the sibling thing, I remember a post last year by a woman who had to cut the holiday short early and go home because her teen boys were quite literally kicking the shit out of each other. And even if not quite this extreme plenty of siblings wouldn’t be excellent company on a holiday (many have very different likes/ dislikes).

So I think don’t worry too much about that- could it be that he knows that this pushes your buttons and then he gets to do something/ buy something because you’re feeling guilty/ over compensating?

Yes we are very fortunate that be able to aren’t we?

I thought this was a fair point. You agreed on a beach holiday but you seem to be a drive away from the beach?

I agree that a teen beach holiday means a big-ish resort with things to do, sports, pools, people playing football, padel, social activities and people- where you can walk on and off the beach at will and take some time to chill in your room when you feel like. Not a remote village where you have to be up early to drive to the beach, get a spot and then sit next to your parents all day!

Not saying this to be argumentative but this might be a better choice in the future.

Don’t you know you’re supposed to cut your children off the minute they turn 18 and let them fend for themselves?

Lucky you that your adult children still want to come away with you and you’re in the position to be able to treat them! You must have done a great job raising them if you have such a good relationship with them as adults. I hope I’m in the same position in the future.

Thanks everyone who made constructive comments. I’m going to take them on board. For those who are judgmental and a bit mean, I honestly don’t know what you achieve by being so, but hey it’s easy when you can hide behind anonymity.

If he had a sibling close in age, they’d probably be squabbling and you’d spend your holiday as referee which is also exhausting and disappointing. The grass is not always greener.

Just chill out and go with the flow. If he’s happy doing what he’s doing - not a lot of- then all is well.
Try not to communicate too much to lower the frequency of intense interactions.

It sounds like a bad fit of a holiday. Chalk it up to experience and then look for something different next year.
He sounds naive, siblings don’t mean you’ll have a best friend on holiday.
My dd isn’t a joiner but we did an Alaska cruise when she was 17 and we barely saw her, she loved the teen section and keeps in touch with some of them still.
We have lovely holidays together but prefer more active. We all have similar interests which helps.
Mine has never asked for a sibling and is wise enough to appreciate the material advantages being an only affords.
You all need space. I’d let him sleep in and meet up later.

OP I understand the underlying guilt of not having given your child a sibling and like you I’m happy with one child 95% of the time. I think it’s worth remembering that when they say they’re missing a sibling, what they imagine is the best pal. Age difference not too big, getting on perfectly well and wanting similar things. That’s just often not the case with siblings.

Also maybe he regrets not having taken a friend now or feels sad that he doesn’t have someone to take with him or the holiday is a bit boring etc etc. It’s normal to feel these things, we have all been on holidays that haven’t been perfect haven’t we? And regretted our choices. I find it odd that some PPs suggest you should have read behind the lines and planned activities / insisted on a friend coming anyway. He has to learn to deal with regrets and things not going to his liking and you can’t take this personally. You aren’t there to give him everything he wants and solve all of his problems, he has to learn to manage his emotions too.

It reminds me of when I went on holiday with my older sisters once (and only once!) I was in my early twenties at this point and had just finished my studies and was quite exhausted. We had a standard 2 week resort holiday and for the first few days all I wanted to do was relax and sleep in my room, and this caused them to start kicking off. Because I apparently should have been spending every minute of the day with them by the pool-god knows why because they spent the entire time sleeping on loungers there! Apparently I was holidaying wrong and it put a real dampener on the holiday for me because I was expected to holiday exactly like them. And all I’d wanted was a couple of days to sleep off my exhaustion and they were together so it’s not as if I’d left one of them on their own.

It’s been nearly twenty years since that holiday and I have never gone away with them again.

At least he wanted to come away with you! Many teens don't.

One week doing nothing and getting bored is fine, it's probably what you all needed. Try arranging parts of the day alone and explaining to your DS that he needs to be self sufficient for the afternoon and that you'll see him at dinner. Really not worth having another child you didn't really desire just to have a companion on holiday! I'm sure you've done your best.

You need some time yor yourself, get yourself out somewhere nice alone

@Flowydress I’ve just returned from a 5 night holiday to Tenerife with an active 18 yo boy and a semi active 15 yo girl. Both loved the huge water park, kayaking with snorkelling and a 2 hour surfing lesson. They enjoyed eating out at different restaurants and my now 18 yo enjoyed his first taste of clubbing. Our day started at 9am and finished at midnight except for one that lasted till 4am. The 15yo finished at midnight.

As it was my DS’s 18th he got to choose what we did. My dd loved it except the very late nights. Which made her ratty. So when not doing anything fun, they pissed each other off.

@Flowydress are there water-sports on the beach or a water park close by? Doing these sports together - not just send him off on his own - always brings families together. It sounds as though he doesn’t need a sibling but parents willing to take part in activities that a 15 yo would enjoy even if you don’t enjoy them. I can assure you, my DH and I didn’t want to be clubbing until 4am but my DS was having a great time so it was worth it.

We were in a very similar situation. One DD. When younger she would be nervous at first but then find other kids to play with; all good. For a couple of teen years we took a friend with us but then when she was about 15 she wanted it to be ‘just us’. Except when we got there she also didn’t. She would rather die than ‘make friends’ on holiday but it did shine a light on the fact it was just the 3 of us and we all felt sort of out of step with each other without really being able to say why. Tbf we never really resolved it: Covid hit which knocked out holidays for a few years and then she was old enough to go away on her own but even when we took her away when she was 19 we didnt quite fit together either. Different expectations I think?

I hear you. I have a very full on only child and he is exhausting to be around one on one. I loved holidays when he was young as I'm quite active and hands on, so I loved the sandcastles and beach cricket and body boarding and crabbing. Note that these are all UK holiday activities. He was a ridiculously easy, joyful child to holiday with in the UK - but all overseas beach/pool holidays have been overshadowed to a greater or lesser degree by his constant need for varied external stimulation and lack of desire to get that by joining in with other kids.

This is way more marked now he is 18 - obviously - but the last few years, holidays have been tricky. We solved it by having UK holidays taking at least one of his mates.

For my 40th birthday, we went on a family holiday to somewhere I had always wanted to visit. Not a fancy place. A greek island. He was 11 at the time and an insufferable little prick the whole fortnight because it wasn't a developed island so the hotel was basic, the pool was small, there were no lurid blue Sprite cocktails or other kids with inflatables... It was definitely a me problem in terms of where we booked, but SO frustrating, particularly as my husband does not cope well with my son when he's in full on hyper mode, or belligerent little shit mode, and they were the only two modes we saw all holiday.

So sending sympathy.

Good luck op, some people that just stick the boot in, need to get a life

Do something nice fir yourself haybd a nice professional massage in a spa and some time away uou will feel better 100oercent

He's 15 ffs let him sleep. He knows where to come and find you.

I thought you meant 15 months when I saw your title.

This You said your DH and DS wanted a "relaxing" holiday so I'm a bit puzzled at choosing somewhere where you need to drive to a beach? Thats not relaxing!

Ah thats why they cant leave him behind. Odd choice of holiday

What on earth is wrong with what that poster said?!! That's rude