AIBU to find a beach holiday with our only child exhausting?

[Flowydress]

We are on a week’s beach holiday with 15 yr old DS. He’s an only child. It’s so intense. He’s really full on and exhausting. I didn’t want a beach holiday as I feel active trips are better for our family dynamic but he and DH wanted to slob about. we also asked DS if he wanted a friend to come but he didn’t - so instead he just tells me several times when here that holidays are when he misses having a sibling. 😬

I love him to bits but he, and it, is hard work and I feel sad and just want to be at home. I know DH feels the same. I feel incredibly sad that DS might feel that way too

I wonder how much of this is internalised, it sounds like a lot of it is and that IS really hard work. I currently wfh and when my kids are off school and I'm working, I feel guilty and awful about it all week until I'm exhausted. It's all me, they're fine! We put so much pressure on ourselves and then, if you're that way inclined - and I am - you give yourself a load of shit for all sorts of things that aren't really happening.
I could be massively projecting though.
But if I'm not, @Flowydress you haven't let anyone down, you haven't done anything wrong. You can't take full responsibility for the wide swathe of emotions and opinions your son will have at 15, there'll be all sorts going on in there and he might level at you in an intense way but you can't absorb it and feel awful, guilty, responsible, etc. You're going to end up exhausted.
And also, I wonder, what's going on with you at the moment? Are you alright in yourself? Have you been through stress, are you sleeping okay, are you eating? It really comes over to me that you're giving yourself such a hard time and you deserve the opposite. Get a lovely big hug from your dh or your son! Give yourself a break.

You've said you're not sure why it's exhausting and intense, so can you just..opt out? Have a lie in, don't overthink anything, it's your holiday.

Siblings are not the answer.

I raise you the 15yo that doesn't want to do anything plus the 13yo brother that wants to do active things that need other people to participate but also has social struggles to meet new people and sort out casual socialising. Plus the sibling bickering/ fighting that's intensified by having less space to deal with their conflicting needs and desires. The sibling isn't a solution and just adds their own clashing priorities to the mix.

Staying in places that have options nearby and low expectations are the answer. Go to places where they can choose to vegetate at the accomodation but have things nearby to explore. It's not going to be the holiday of a lifetime, just a nice change of scenery.

It’s still really not clear what the actual issue is, which leads me to conclude it’s largely internalised issue with OP. It doesn’t sound like the DS has any particular issue.

I really can't understand it. I'm on holiday with my own (very demanding) teen and yes, he is full on and "sooooo bored" now and then but it's great overall! We do beach, pool, walking, eating put, evening strolls, and yes, he wants to stay late/ sleep till lunch but it's not different to how he is at home)) I have been going on holidays with him by myself since he was 8 months and him being a teen makes things more difficult but he is still young enough to enjoy being with me.

My advice would be to try to get your DC on board with making decisions re what you are doing and get him interested in participating. Also, distraction works! My DC doesn't read "for fun", sadly, but I allow some phone use now and then.

Remember- your DC will not be going with you for much longer... enjoy it while it lasts!

I thought he was 5, not 15, exhausting is not what I’d expect at 15.
Surely he’s capable of making friends around the pool or just doing his own thing.

I think you have a very special DS in that he appears not to be glued to his phone. I have 2 DS aged 14 and 16 and all they do is message, look at Tik tok, make tik tok play chess and brawl stars and watch insta reels (not together, completely independently). If I didn’t intervene with meals / swims / card games they would VERY happily do this 16 hours a day and not require any interaction from me or DH at all,

this is supposed to be a compliment and I hope you can take it on board!

This is true. We went on one a few years back that everyone else loved but I just didn't gel with. Bits of it were great, but the place itself... no. Sometimes there's just something you do or don't click with.

I swap you a 5yo constantly demanding toys, sweets and ice creams.

I think sometimes holidays aren't as good as other holidays - we put so much hope on them (and time, money and effort) and sometimes they're just "meh". Just got to make the best of it!

I haven't read the full thread but as parents of an only, I think you're projecting your guilt - I overcompensate because of mine, one teen DC and would have loved more but didn't happen for us. Have offered to take a friend on holiday but DC doesn't want that. Had a v successful holiday last year when they found a friend on the first day. This year am hoping same thing happens but have booked an active resort with lots to do but also we like to be up early to be first at breakfast, will do an activity every day and then afternoon is chill time with no moaning allowed and family dinner at night.

Oh this is just kids in general! don’t feel guilty about just having 1 if you had two you’d be just annoyed with them annoying each other and bickering!

He’s probably knackered/ tetchy because you keep waking him up!

Try doing your own thing in the morning and then going back for him around lunchtime, either to go to a beach or something else like a water sport, padel, a walk late afternoon etc. And if you’re exhausted just say you need a few hours to yourself and send him off with your DH.

IME teens need a bit longer to get going so just try changing the schedule.

And yes if he’s being deliberately combative or hurtful call him out and tell him it’s not acceptable.

Oh same. I was 12 years younger than my siblings and just pestered the life out of my parents.

It sounds like quite an independent holiday that involves a drive to the beach, sometimes these aren’t the best option for teenagers. I find they work best if you let them sleep in during the morning, have good wifi and do some good activities involving food.

I misread this thinking you wrote a 15 month old. It does not have to be exhausting. Take yourself off and get some 'me' time. Tell him to stop whinging

I agree with @DidILeaveTheGasOn .
I have an only. Home with us for a holiday and we are all going away for a few days today. I don’t want to go - hols in the past have been intense with me trying hard to make everything good. Taking a friend usually works best.
However…… your post has struck a chord with me, and I can see that I am overthinking it. You sound exhausted with trying to take it all on, me too.
After major surgery earlier this year, everything seems harder. BUT, in the light of this post…….I am going to try to relax, let things go, do some nice things either together or on my own. We are lucky to have the chance to have a holiday and next week it will be over.
Hope you can too.

I dunno about that, I found we had the older teen years where they didn’t holiday with us much, then the years where they went away with friends and us. Now my 26 and 28 year old are still very much up for a free holiday and they are very good company.

That's lovely to hear )) thank you x

Well exactly. I had a pretty underwhelming, occasionally prickly holiday with my 19 year old son and 14 year old daughter this year. I slightly regret the expenditure but otherwise, it really isn't the end of the world or an indication that we are doomed as a family. People talk a lot of shite about how amazing their family holidays are but with this age in particular it's a bit of a crap shoot. Remember that this is also, perhaps even predominately YOUR holiday and get what enjoyment you can out of it and stop trying so hard with your son. I won't be bringing my 19 year old on holidays again, we get on well in daily life but the dynamics don't work so well on holudays, especially when it's more than a few days. It's really not that big a deal.

You pay for your 26 and 28 year old to come on holiday with you? Bloody hell

That's not nice. I pay for my 24 year old, why wouldn't I? I can afford it, he can't. I also treat him to meals out when he visits us or we visit him.

This is normal and not comment worthy

it sounds a little bit like you still see it as your job to ensure he is happy at all times, which is a little bit of a fools errand as very few teenagers are. They are an age where they themselves don't know what they want half the time, so it's a little too much pressure on you to assume you will know. The sibling comment he made is probably to press your buttons rather than wishing he had a 10 year old (for example) to hang out with.

Can you carve out a bit of time for you to feel you are on your holiday? That will take the pressure off, stop it being all about him. I have a 14yo and she's easier than most in this way, but if I asked her to nail down what she wanted to do, it would add pressure to enjoy it and she'd ironically enjoy it less.

I was a PITA teenager so going by my family holidays at that age, it's about peers really. I absolutely loved a holiday where there was a surf school and I had lessons each day and then hung out there with people I thought were incredibly cool and/or good looking. I think that's the kind of thing people mean by kids clubs.

@localnotail @LemonSnail

My 30 year old son (and his girlfriend, since they were serious enough for it) still comes on holiday with me too- but I don't pay for them (can't afford to!). I think last year was the only year ds1 didn't get time for a family holiday.

We're all away for 18 nights in a few days and we're all very excited 😁

It's not a given that your kids won't want to holiday with you after X age, even if you don't pay for them!

And ds1 was one of those 15 year olds who wanted to stay in a darkened, stinky room for some time of previous holidays rather than come out and enjoy the sun/pool/activities.

I think your version of a beach holiday with kid(s) and a lot of other people's is very different. Did you not think "all inclusive, multiple pools, on the beach, teen activities"? As an adult that wouldn't be my first choice of holiday, but as a parent it is.

And you may think your son is above doing those things 😂 but he's obviously not loving your choice now?

She's allowed to