AIBU to find a beach holiday with our only child exhausting?

[Flowydress]

We are on a week’s beach holiday with 15 yr old DS. He’s an only child. It’s so intense. He’s really full on and exhausting. I didn’t want a beach holiday as I feel active trips are better for our family dynamic but he and DH wanted to slob about. we also asked DS if he wanted a friend to come but he didn’t - so instead he just tells me several times when here that holidays are when he misses having a sibling. 😬

I love him to bits but he, and it, is hard work and I feel sad and just want to be at home. I know DH feels the same. I feel incredibly sad that DS might feel that way too

We like cruises for loads of reasons but one is that DD always makes a friend or two who she can go to the pool/buffet/sports court with and we know they can't get lost or wander off.
this year she's in a Snapchat group of about 40 teens who are all on our cruise so should hopefully have more kids to hang around with.

We have mixed up beach and pool. Drive at night to different villages for a walk, dinner or ice cream. We’ve played cards, charades etc - DH is both extremely funny and in relation to kids, can equal DS mentality so he is vital to the fun.

on paper it all sounds good but it’s just intense and demanding at times - I’m struggling to articulate why. Sorry. Post failure

I think you need to get over the sibling issue, maybe seek some help if you can’t. It doesn’t sound like this is the problem here, it’s just the general issues of having a 15yr old. You sound a bit unhappy in general. Can you go on a day trip somewhere? At that age he should really be entertaining himself. If you don’t want to read a book on the beach, go and do something else and leave them to it.

I’m an only child and I found holidays with my parents after the age of 13 really boring. My last one was when I was 14. After that I went on PGL holidays with a friend and my parents went by themselves.

It sounds more like a badly planned holiday issue, than an only child one.

Sounds like you’ve taken it very literally when they said they wanted to laze around. Most teens who say that would mean a hotel with a pool, the option of activities and other people to hang around. This holiday was obviously going to cause friction for a teen.

He’s got no real chance to make friends to pal around with. No hotel activities to do or teen club to go to. He has to stick to your schedule or feel like an inconvenience. It doesn’t sound like you’re doing day trips to local attractions or events either? A walk around with your parents in the evening after a day spent playing cards isn’t really the same.

You say you were shocked and the prices and “this was a good compromise”- well clearly not! You sound in denial that the holiday was a bad idea from the start, and seem convinced that the issue is just your son.

I think you need to adjust your thinking and expectations.

As a 15yo his sleeping patterns will naturally be in the wake up late, stay up late so don’t try and force early rising on him. I think the plan for you and DH to do stuff in the morning (stuff he had to tag along for when a child but may be bored with now) without him is a good one. But encourage him to find something he’d like to do or explore in afternoon and you guys will take him there even if it’s not your cup of tea.

Finally, a sibling would not necessarily be a bonus. My kids had such varied interests that when they were teens we had to meticulously plan. DD1 wanted to go to x,y,z and look in vintage and antique shops, DD2 wanted to go to local MAGA and video game shops, DS1 wanted to see any kind of castle or fort or military museum, DS2 (youngest) wanted to hunt down a particular jelly cat toy go to a zip line course, and try out wind surfing.

Try fitting all that in when you’re saying we will go here for shops and a least two of the DC are groaning and flopping around saying it’s soooo unfair, I hate shopping, why can’t we go to the beach and rent the wind surfers? The weather is perfect and it won’t be any other day the entire holiday…why can’t they just shop online like normal people….and the one that liked anything military history would chime in and be like, there’s a beach with a watch tower that rents wind surfers, let’s go there!

At least with 1 child there is no competition.

Sounds like it’s the location that’s the problem.

At 15, and on a relaxing holiday he ought to be able to wake when he wants and come and join you when he’s ready. Booking somewhere that means he’s dependent on you to get to the beach was a mistake.

Lesson learnt. In the meantime, decide your plans the night before and explain if he wants to sleep in you’ll see him later. Hope you can enjoy the rest of your trip

He's 15 - a bit old for that.

There's no guarantee a sibling would've made a difference, I certainly never played with my sister on holiday and she was a relentless cow who just caused drama anyway

don’t hold back.

I’ve already said I think the holiday wasn’t a great idea. And honestly, every year so far I have been Queen Holiday Organiser and we’ve had some amazing trips. This year we already did one trip at Easter which we all loved but it was hectic and the consensus was a beach holiday. He would not, at this age - as he has repeatedly stressed - look for other teenagers to hang out with and he doesn’t particularly want to do organised things. Do you think I’m stupid? I checked repeatedly what was wanted in advance of booking.

and he doesn’t have to stick to a schedule, we are flexible and constantly ask him
what he wants to do. So many assumptions.

i haven’t just said it’s a child issue. I’ve introduced my issues and I’ve also said it’s about the dybamic. I also realise now needing a car to get beyond a pool is silly. But again we would pick him up whenever he wants.

and if I sound defensive, it’s because I found the tone of your post quite attacking which is not helpful

Maybe ask your son if he would prefer on beach days that you go early with your husband and meet him back at the villa for lunch, then go out somewhere all together in the afternoons? Or just do beach am (without him if he likes) and pool pm, with him.

I’m finding this difficult to understand, I have an only, for me it is signficantly easier than having two, you seem to be making an assumption they’d a/like each other and b/want to do the same things. This is rarely true, you’d just have twice as many exhausting issues, whichever they are, to deal with.

you don’t seem to be working together as a family unit. And I don’t understand the single child guilt at all. My daughter loved being an only and had loads of friends, we worked as a cohesive unit when on holiday, we would all agree our plans for the day the night before, no one was the boss, we’d just agree what we wished to do and when then crack on.

it sounds like you’re both deciding what you wish to do and expecting him to fit in. That’s a bit shit for him.

I think you are being a little intense too OP. There are pros and cons of choosing to have one child. You and your DS will have enjoyed many advantages of this choice and will continue to do so throughout your life. The biggest being no need to split attention, time and resources.
However you have both run into a disadvantage on this holiday. His lack of same age company (and a friend that you're in the middle of with your family and 'responsible for' isn't the same) and you having to occupy the role as 'his person' all the time.
This eases in the future. He will at some point find a partner and the burden will lift and he will be able to create his own company. You'll even up.
Until then you need to focus on the advantages of your choice, to you and to him and minimise the disadvantages. The obvious one here being to be very firm in future about the sort of holiday that suits you as a family. On this holiday, inject more activity so you've less time to dwell.

We are not deciding what to do do and expecting him to fit in. Where on earth do you get that from?

Thanks. This is all very true.

Sorry @Flowydress no advice, but holidays with teens can be hard. I got sent home on a bus when I was a similar age 😂 I was ruining it for everyone with my bad mood! At least your son isn't grumpy and moody right?

Is he ND and does he monologue at you? I only ask because you seem to be struggling to pin down what the problem is, and my DS does that, and it can be wearing

If it helps OP I have 4 kids and am on very much a non-beach holiday and had to leave my 15 year old DD at the apartment yesterday as she declared the Van Gogh Museum looked "wank" and that she could see "sunflowers on the internet" 😆

Sometimes teenagers and family holidays are just going to be a bit... underwhelming yet overwhelming. It is not your fault for booking the holiday you were asked to book, and it most certainly isn't because you made a choice (or perhaps not... there seems to be a heaviness and sadness around the lack of a sibling) not to have more kids. I prescribe a hug with DH, a long shower and a good book. 😘

Hi Op, please dont feel guilty over the sibling thing! I can promise you, when I was 15, me and my sister spent holidays in constant nasty arguments, stealing each other clothes and basically driving my parents completely mad🤣🤣. We are friends now but I know plenty of adult siblings who are not. There is NO garuntee that siblings will be friends (especially at 15!). Maybe next holiday you either a. Do something activity based or b. Remind you ds of this holiday when asking him if he wants to bring a friend! Xx

I don’t think this kind of holiday suits you all. It sounds very remote.

You might be better booking a hotel next time that has other kids his age that he can make friends and go off with. You and DH can then chill around the pool or the beach if you look for a hotel with one close by.

Does he like water sports? Are there any activities that you or DH could do with him? I hired paddle boards for me and my 16 year old son when we went away in July and we both loved it! We also did a boat trip that we both really enjoyed, is there anything like that?

thanks, this is a really kind message and I appreciate it

i Honestly don’t feel sadness about not having another any time except on holidays - this is genuinely true. We all have very rich, wonderful lives together and separately and he is very loved. Holidays seem to shine a spotlight on it and it just brings up stuff - especially holiday where we are doing very little. I don’t see siblings as the end all - I don’t even have a close relationship with mine - but it just rears itself. Not in a way that DS would see

as for being ND, no he’s not

I think it was just a poor choice to be somewhere where you have to drive everywhere. The benefit to a teenager is they can sort their own schedule and you drift together periodically. Having to coordinate and agree on every single outing is exhausting. I think a relaxing holiday could work but only if you’re walking / bussing distance from everything you all want to do and can split up.

It sounds like some lovely times were had so it wasn’t all bad and hopefully you’ve learned some things for next year (and I have two kids and they fight fight fight all holiday so that’s not great either!)

He tells you "several times" that he misses having a sibling? Where has he got this notion from?
Sibling relationships are rarely perfect and often difficult in the teen years.
I think he needs to have a bit of a reset. He doesn't have a sibling, that's the way it is.
You say he's "intense", perhaps things aren't going well for him in some aspect of his life, or has he just got used to blaming you for anything negative?

A 15 year old at a kids club 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

We will look at this today, try and sort a sport

yhe thing is he loves remote and wild beauty/nature etc - and we are not in a remote villa. There are other people

i think I just need to chalk it up to being an underwhelming holiday without constant analysis

Some hotels do “kids” clubs for older teens.

We went to one last year that had a beach club just for over 14’s in the evening, a chill out area in the day with gaming consoles etc, activities such as volleyball on the beach or games in the pool. It was really good and was always full.