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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Couples holiday grief

294 replies

notmyrodeonotmymonkeys · Today 12:00

Please help mn I’m not sure what to do.

Couoles A B and C are going on holiday tomorrow. They are driving in in 2 cars. Couples A and B live in the same town so they are travelling together. Couple C are coming from a different direction and are travelling separately. The holiday has been split equally 3 ways and everyone intends to pay for themselves whilst there. Travel costs for petrol and parking will be approximately £120 per car. Couple A intended to pay for their costs as they know couple B earn significantly less than them (about 30k a year less) but would be happy if couple b get them a couple of drinks or similar.
Couple C have now approached Couple A and said they think it’s unfair Couple B are not paying for their travel expenses and that it would be fair to split it 3 ways. A pointed out that B do not have much money and C replied that they treat themselves plenty (which is true they are very much live for today). A feels uncomfortable broaching B for money especially at such late notice as it’s too late for them to make alternative arrangements should they want to.

Yabu B should pay their fair share
YANBU C is wrong to ask for shared costs

OP posts:
Keepingittogetherstepbystep · Today 15:02

Personally despite being low income it not a fight I'd entertain especially at £50.

I can see bigger picture issues though and it depends on who chose the destination. If the destination was chosen and a&b then I can see why c might feel it seems unfair but again it's not a lot to fall out over.

The takeaway should be how do we find a destination that is equidistant if we decide to holiday again. But that might just be my mathematical brain kicking in.

Dontlletmedownbruce · Today 15:02

Agree C are out of order. It's like a child finding out Dad got sister an ice cream last week and demanding the same just because. A's gesture was a generous one but I think its best in these situations that everyone pays their own way going forward because subsidising involves discussions and judgment on earnings and expenses. I remember many moons ago DH suggesting we pay for another couple for something because we earn more, but I pointed out this was BS because they had family doing free childminding whereas we had high costs, we also had to pay a loan on a bigger car because we had 3 children (twins so not a planned thing) whereas they had a regular car. It turned into a whole in depth comparison so we decided even split is the best option.

LemonSnail · Today 15:04

notmyrodeonotmymonkeys · Today 12:42

Would you view it differently if it was?

Yes.

Bumcake · Today 15:09

cardibach · Today 14:08

Slightly off topic but it’s a long way to drive if it’s £120 in petrol - or you all drive enormous cars!

It says petrol and parking.

Bumcake · Today 15:10

Butchyrestingface · Today 13:34

C is a lunatic.

More brass neck than the Tin Man.

The Tinman’s neck is made of tin surely?

Grandslam8 · Today 15:11

None of C bloody business. Tell them to butt out

Grandslam8 · Today 15:13

notmyrodeonotmymonkeys · Today 12:42

Would you view it differently if it was?

Absolutely yes. Children should be treated equally, income should not come into it

metalstrawsarecoldbutnotsoggy · Today 15:13

Couple A’s petrol is going to be more than couple Cs anyway. As car a is carrying 4 people and luggage for 4 ppl. Car c only has 2 people in it. If couple B decided to make their own way there then Couple C’s costs would still be the same. Couple C need to but out!

EmotionalSupportGoblin · Today 15:14

It’s none of couple C’s business.

mondaytosunday · Today 15:15

None of C’s business - why do they even know the arrangement? As pointed out, dividing three ways would mean A and B would be subsidising C. Ridiculous.

BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · Today 15:15

If B and C are the children of A, the thread title should really be 'Family holiday grief'. It would be much clearer.

GodDamnitDonut · Today 15:18

Couple C- none of their business, should keep quiet and not interfere
Couple A- should not have shared this information with couple C. Also unreasonable. Double negative for even considering asking couple B for money now and weighing up options. Once agreed, stick to your original offer and keep quiet.
couple B- I hope they find better friends

BeaLola · Today 15:24

Have not RFT just your opening post - from the title I thought one couple had had to drop out due to a bereavement or illness and it was going to be about sharing costs of the accommodation and food whilst there.

its up to A that they decided to not charge B for travel costs - presumably the cost is the same if A couple are going in their own . A & B live near each other so can car share. It’s none of C couples business what A&B arranged between themselves.

That said if this is how C. Purple are. Ow before you leave I wouldn’t want yo be sharing a holiday with them if you sharing food costs because it will be tedious eg oh we’re paying less as we dont drink alcohol , we only had toast for breakfast you had scrambled eggs with smoked salmon etc et.

let C go away on their own

PrettyPickle · Today 15:27

YANBU if these couples are just friends. Travel costs are per car, not per group. A and B live in the same town and A has chosen to cover the petrol, that’s entirely up to them. It’s nothing to do with C how A and B arrange their own finances, and it’s far too late for B to change plans anyway. C are overstepping.

The “fairness” argument from C doesn’t hold water, its flawed because
travel costs are per car, not per group, C chose to drive separately. A and B are sharing a car because they live near each other. There is no scenario where C should be paying towards A/B’s petrol, so why would B pay towards C’s? “They treat themselves plenty” is irrelevant. How B spends their disposable income has nothing to do with C. It’s a judgemental comment, not a fairness argument. A has already decided to cover the cost, C is trying to override A’s personal choice. And finally it’s far too late to change the arrangement. B cannot magically rearrange travel the night before.

The real issue is that C is trying to police other people’s finances, C is overstepping, moralising, judging B’s spending, trying to enforce a “rule” that doesn’t exist and creating conflict where none existed. But there is one scenario where this could be something more deep-seated and not as easy to dismiss - sibling rivalry and favouritism.

If the 3 couples are a combination of parents and their adult married kids and partners, I can conceive that there maybe an intimation of favouritism from a financial perspective. So if couple A are mum and Dad, say couple B are their son and wife and and couple C are daughter and husband for instance. Couple C may feel that parents are subsidising couple B and not them. I'm not saying its right, but I can see that arising in certain families.

Bournetilly · Today 15:30

notmyrodeonotmymonkeys · Today 12:42

Would you view it differently if it was?

I would view it differently if A were the parents, especially since this arrangement has happened before.

Cailin66 · Today 15:31

notmyrodeonotmymonkeys · Today 12:42

Would you view it differently if it was?

It depends. But let’s forget that.

A 120
B zero as covered by A
No increased costs for A, suits A, suits B, A will get a couple of drinks as a bonus, more packed car though
C 120, would have same cost if B drove

What C wants

2 x 120 = 240 so 80 per couple

Choices

  • B pays C 40 (difference between B cost of 120 versus “equal” cost of 80 per couple) - very interesting the response of C
  • A and B pays C 20 each, unfair to A but if I were A to make a point I’d pay not 20 but 40 to unreasonable C
  • C drives to B and picks them up, splits costs…
  • Tell C to grow up

Love Mumsnet for the batshittery !

Queenncat · Today 15:35

Uh oh.. 2's company 3's a crowd.. be careful on the holiday Team A!! Tread carefully.

donotknowhowtofeel · Today 15:36

notmyrodeonotmymonkeys · Today 12:42

Would you view it differently if it was?

It is still not couple C's business, but it would explain (not excuse) why Couple C is miffed - silly sibling hangover. Couple C sound spoiled and entitled.

Snufkin88 · Today 15:39

Grandslam8 · Today 15:13

Absolutely yes. Children should be treated equally, income should not come into it

It’s pathetic to be looking for some sort of monetary compensation when making your own way travelling from a different direction. It’s the height of pettiness regardless of the relationship between all these couples . Being a sibling would be no excuse . I’ve never heard such nonsense

BeardySchnauzer · Today 15:41

I suspect there is a family dynamic at play feeding C’s resentment

if A are the parents they may want to address it

Isthereanotherplanettoinhabit · Today 15:44

Couple c are insane and aren’t really your friends as someone else mentioned. Cut them loose after the holiday and good luck

7238SM · Today 15:48

Isthereanotherplanettoinhabit · Today 15:44

Couple c are insane and aren’t really your friends as someone else mentioned. Cut them loose after the holiday and good luck

If you'd read even just the OP's replies, you'd realise they implied that B and C are their children- not random friends!

If that is the scenario, I bet C is sick of B having hands out, freebies and being subsidised by A!

IslaLewis · Today 15:52

Grief?

I clicked on this thinking it was about a death or some similar tragedy.

But it's a family spat about money.

Bizarre. Nothing more annoying than half a story and OP disappears.

Clarabell77 · Today 15:54

To be fair if I was couple B I’d have offered to share the parking cost with couple A.

IslaLewis · Today 15:55

7238SM · Today 15:48

If you'd read even just the OP's replies, you'd realise they implied that B and C are their children- not random friends!

If that is the scenario, I bet C is sick of B having hands out, freebies and being subsidised by A!

I think OP sounds too young to be the parent of adult children.