DH doesn't want me to take a promotion abroad, am I being unreasonable to still want it?

[Mlouisede]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.
I (31f) have been offered a really good opportunity at work - basically a promotion to head up a new branch we're opening in Amsterdam. It comes with a decent pay bump (about £50k more than I'm on now) and it would be for a year, then I'd come back to London in a bigger role with more room to negotiate salary again

Me and DH (also 31) got married just over a year ago and things are genuinely good between us, that's not the issue. When I told him about the offer his first reaction was that doing long distance this early in the marriage isn't a great idea, and that we're both already earning well so it's not like we NEED the extra money. He's not wrong about the money side, we're comfortable. We'd also started talking about trying for a baby before this came up.

So now I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me knows he has a point, and starting a family is obviously a much bigger deal than a job title. But another part of me feels like this is exactly the kind of opportunity that doesn't come round twice, and if I turn it down I might always wonder "what if", especially career wise before kids potentially change everything anyway.

He's not being difficult about it or forbidding me or anything like that, he's just genuinely not that keen and I can see his side. I just don't know if I'm about to make a decision I'll regret either way.

I think you should try to make it work if you can, sounds like a great opportunity!

Oooh. This is hard @Mlouisede

I've only read your posts and it's clear you've got a great friendship with your husband. He moved to London because you asked him to and you're now considering moving away for a year.

If it's only 3 weekends you'll see each other, it is doable, but not ideal so early on in your marriage. But the position you'll, therefore he'll, be in financially afterwards may make it all worthwhile.

I think have a hard negotiation with your company about WFH so you can wake up together more.

Reconsider the travel - surely he should only need to do the journey once a month, not you.

Book in time to have a very open conversation about the pros and cons. Problem solve this together and be open minded about staying or going. Only you two can decide this one.

All the best.

PS: There are always "This is the end of your marriage" harbingers on these threads. Ignore them.

Definitely go… you can make it work. Once you’re a mum it’s a lot of sacrifices we make. The father won’t bat an eye lid if he had the opportunity and you had kids. So defo do it now as you will resent him for saying no once you have kids as we are the default parent.

And his whining to be your no1 for your whole lives now is a red flag because he won't be no1 when you have kids and he can't seem to hack that idea for even a year.

The fact he can't seem to want what's best for the family life you have planned together by making a small sacrifice now is bad.

If you seem him twice a month, you're talking about losing around 25 weekends. It's nothing. What do you really even do on evenings other than watch TV like most couples?

Your youth is showing now because what feels so big right now is honestly not even a big ask. For context, military personnel leave their babies for months. We have kids around 10yo and if my DH had that opportunity I'd be packing his bags for him, even knowing the kids would miss him and I'd be running the show solo. So honestly take the advice you're getting from older women who want what's best for you and have life experience you don't have yet (but want)

At the moment, he’s only seeing the negatives of you moving abroad. You get interesting career opportunity, prestige, excitement, more money, new city. What does he get? Work out (together!) what tangible benefits he will get in the short term. Of course he will still miss you, but the more you can put in his pro column, the easier it will be.

“So early in the marriage” is a red herring given how long you’ve been together. “Last chance before kids” is closer to it.

Do you share finances? My husband and I are now fully combined and that means what is good for one of us is good for both us.

I would take the job as a fantastic way to shore up your career before starting a family. Better maternity pay, more experience to bring to the table when looking for jobs after babies.

But I would put a lot of visible work into keeping your relationship solid - e.g. I think you should be doing more of the travelling back and forth than him. Make it clear that you are still prioritising your relationship and choosing him, this is just a fantastic opportunity for you both.

Could your dh be worried that as it’s Amsterdam and there is the potential you might get pregnant while there, that you might want to stay permanently and be with your family and raise your dc in the Netherlands? Or is that over-thinking?

I used to work in Amsterdam. I would fly out on a Monday and return Friday afternoon. I did live near Heathrow at the time so there wasnt extra travel time for trains. It’s only for a year - go for it!

I don't think it's strange. For a lot of people, living apart without the commitment of marriage is different to being married and having your spouse choosing to move abroad without you.

Lots of people also hate being married to shift workers or to a partner that works nights - it's a perfectly valid feeling. I used to live with a shift worker and it was pretty lonely - I'd have hated to do it long-term because it just didn't feel like a relationship a lot of the time.

Ok so this is looking worse. I’m really feeling for him

he moves for you after you ask. Now you want to work away for a year. You’ll only see him 3 weekends out of 4 so you have one to yourself, and 2 of those he’ll have to travel, you’ll only travel once. Well… unless you have an event or something then you might not see him.

if I were him I’d think you’d checked out.

She’s said he’s concerned the move would end up permanent. I think he’s right to be concerned

I'm thinking of seeing him once a month by flying back to London, and he could come to Amsterdam twice. We can keep the remaining one weekend for ourselves. Only if I have an event or something else, I wouldn't be able to spend time with him that weekend.

I don't think this is fair - if you're the one moving, you should be doing the majority of the travel.

This is batshit.

Ask him write his concerns down in order of priority and then talk though them together.
It's he right about you potentially staying in Amsterdam if the offer was there?
You need to show him his you can work around his concerns. He did money for you. You need to show him that want a waste of time
It's only approx 48 weekends. I assume you'll also have your normal 5/6 weeks hols too? So not much time to be left feeling like living single if handled and arranged properly with you sharing the same expectations

I think the big, and to be honest realistic, risk is that this won't just be a year placement. Setting up a new branch takes time, and then when you leave you'll be expected to handover which will take a few months. So this could easily get stretched out into a much longer placement.

Honestly, I am inclined to agree with this after reading the updates.

I'd be pretty hurt if I'd moved countries to be with my partner and they then decided they actually wanted to live abroad alone for a year - and not only that - they wanted me to do the majority of the travelling so we could spend some time together.

Same how absolutely selfish! Why do you think he would agree to travelling twice a month and you only the once… ? Unless you have something better on of course!
Do you see yourself as the better one in the relationship? Like he should be grateful for you being with him? So you call the shots and he does what you decide?

Sounds like a great opportunity however when you are married you need to make decisions together! And for me if it’s not 2 yes’ then it’s a no!
How often would you see each other? Can you commit to travelling home every weekend or him to you?
I work away from home and have done since before we met so to us it is normal. But I come home every Wednesday and every Friday for the weekend going back on Monday morning so I’m only actually away 3 nights.Plus I’m term time only so at home all the school
holidays too!

I don’t think this is a ‘leave him’ problem - but it is a ‘whats important to you both and at what point is a compromise actually something that works for no one’.

It sounds like he moved a long way to join you, quite recently. So he’s likely relatively light on social network and hobbies that don’t involve you. I’m going to guess he moved with a view to dropping frequent travel and the long distance relationship stuff and instead shift the focus to building a life together. Routinely coming home to an empty flat isnt what he had in mind for the next year. Continuing to find your groove together and family future building is probably what he was expecting.

Your careers are part of your lives together. Your finances are part of your lives together. Your time is part of your lives together.

I wonder if you being Dutch and it being Amsterdam is a further complication.

You’ve mentioned you come home once a month. That’s not giving ‘our home together is my home’ vibes. Thats giving it’s a admin chore vibes. Youve not mentioned him moving with you and commuting back to London for his work. Youve not mentioned you continuing to live in London as home and weekly commuting to Amsterdam for your work. You come across as thinking ‘you’ where he’s aiming for ‘us’. Part of ‘us’ is the two individuals but there’s also the joint picture.

One angl might be to sit down together and look at hats important to you both for the next five years. Is there a way that this opportunity fits with that. Or doesn’t it.

Welcome to live as part of a family unit. Almost everything comes with trade off

Reading your update, I think I’d make more of an effort to see him often. You’re the one that’s moving away, so I think you should commit to travelling back three weekends per month (and negotiate with your employer that there is adequate time off, maybe there’s room for additional leave days to create more long weekends)? That way you show to your DH that you take his feelings into account as well, I’d expect that if I accommodate my DHs plans, it’s a two-way-street.

But I'm not sure if, in the future, he would ever want to move to another country for a year. I wouldn't be okay with that because by then, we would be deeply into our marriage.

This needs to be discussed with him and agreed. By "deeply into our marriage" I assume you mean when you are pregnant or have children. Moving abroad for a year before children is not remotely the same as doing it after children - not even within a million miles of it.
It is almost impossible to describe to couples who don't yet have children how fundamentally and drastically they change everything: about yourselves and about the relationship between you.

You need to both agree that when you have children, neither of you will be going anywhere for the 20-ish years it takes to raise them. It would be unfair on the partner left behind to look after the children essentially alone whilst the other was abroad. He doesn't get to swan off and leave you with the babies as a kind of payback or quid-pro-quo.
(I know some couples with children do this, but they are very rare precisely because it causes such a huge strain).

As for taking the year now, as @SatansScrotum said: you don't owe him (just because he has already moved before). He got what he wanted too - to be with you. It's not a stick to beat you with.

You should go, and he is welcome to move with you, or stay where he is for his career.

If there is a real chance that this could turn into being asked to remain in Amsterdam for longer (which seems feasible if you're setting something up out there...), then it does seem unfair to expect this of him, given the context you've given about him uprooting his life for you to avoid the long distance thing. So if that a medium / strong possibility as a trajectory, I'd pass. Unless of course his job is super flexible, and he could also relocate and would be wiling to do that (again...).

But if this can definitely be strictly just a year, and if it will set your career up really well for maternity leave and kids, I'd do it. But I'd frame it in terms of preparation to position yourselves as a financially robust family unit - and I'd also be agreeing a date when you will start trying to conceive, so he's clear that you are both committed to the same life. It does make sense to do a career push before you have children. In most situations, kids knock the wind out of your sails career-wise, at least for a bit - so pushing ahead now would be better for all of you.

Don't know your specific industry, but in many careers it's not just the extra money that's useful before you have kids - it's the increased flexibility that seniority brings. It's often much easier and less stressful to duck out early for school parents evenings etc when you are the boss and have more control over your own time.

I’m sure it would be different if the shoe was on the other foot. Don’t let him talk you out of it. Also plenty of women in their mid 30s conceive within the year conceive so don’t let this put you off either. Promotion and work will be the last thing on your mind once you’ve had a baby, seize this opportunity. Also your enhanced maternity pay will be higher, if your salary is higher. Sounds like it’s sensible to delay starting a family.

If you were my daughter I’d encourage you to seriously think about going , I know you haven’t been married long but if it was your husband who got the offer I’m sure you’d want him to take to opportunity . You may never get this chance again and in ten to fifteen years you may regret turning it down .
It’s an amazing chance and it’s only for a year , just think about all the reunions the pair of you will have and it’s only a couple of hours away you can alternate visits and possibly use holidays to travel around Europe together.
Holland is a beautiful country with a good work life balance .
You could as others have said loose your marriage but that could also happen if you stay here . The long term benefits sound amazing and again it is only 12 months, plenty of time for you to start a family when you come back .
I feel that you will regret it and possibly long term have a resentment towards him that he didn’t encourage you to try which again could lead to an unhappy relationship .
Go for it because I seriously believe he wouldn’t turn down the same opportunity .

I wont say do it/don't do it but DH and I did a similar thing except we both went. The plan was 2 years in the US them move on to Amsterdam....except over the time in the US a lot changed in the company (global) and the options changed to either stay in the US and stay on the promotion track or go back to the UK and get side tracked. Staying in the US was not a goer for either of us so we had to put our beloved dog in quarantine for six months and return to the UK
TLDR unless you have an ironclad contract or are prepared to see your future change and go along with that, I advise you to think hard.

I would be concerned that if you turn this opportunity down your career trajectory will stall somewhat and you won’t have access to opportunities you may otherwise have had.

Timing is tricky and the history of you asking him to move is hard to ignore however, there was Paris in between NY and London - perhaps you both can see a way to compromise on this?

If this were America then it would be seen as less of a commute to work - to be fair I know people with 1-1.5 hour commutes daily so I wouldn’t think that one year of this would be insurmountable but you would both have to make a commitment to actively working on your relationship throughout the year.