DH doesn't want me to take a promotion abroad, am I being unreasonable to still want it?

[Mlouisede]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.
I (31f) have been offered a really good opportunity at work - basically a promotion to head up a new branch we're opening in Amsterdam. It comes with a decent pay bump (about £50k more than I'm on now) and it would be for a year, then I'd come back to London in a bigger role with more room to negotiate salary again

Me and DH (also 31) got married just over a year ago and things are genuinely good between us, that's not the issue. When I told him about the offer his first reaction was that doing long distance this early in the marriage isn't a great idea, and that we're both already earning well so it's not like we NEED the extra money. He's not wrong about the money side, we're comfortable. We'd also started talking about trying for a baby before this came up.

So now I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me knows he has a point, and starting a family is obviously a much bigger deal than a job title. But another part of me feels like this is exactly the kind of opportunity that doesn't come round twice, and if I turn it down I might always wonder "what if", especially career wise before kids potentially change everything anyway.

He's not being difficult about it or forbidding me or anything like that, he's just genuinely not that keen and I can see his side. I just don't know if I'm about to make a decision I'll regret either way.

Do it! Too good an opportunity to miss. Plus, will hopefully give you more scope for flexibility when you do decide to start a family.

Why would you only come to the UK for one weekend a month but want him to come to you twice? That puts more of the hassle and tiredness of travel onto him.

I am secure in my marriage (no children) and would consider doing this, but would probably do one lot of travel each per month - so see each other every other weekend.

I also think you should go. I don’t understand though the I’ll come back one weekend a month and he can come twice and then we have a solo weekend. Do you have solo weekends once a month currently? Surely, you should be coming back more than once a month, it’s only Amsterdam, not the most gruelling journey to have to do.

Wow

she asked him to relocate, he did, and he got what he wanted so should be grateful.

there are some odd takes but this is right up there

Do it
You will always regret it if you dont.

Could he WFH in Amsterdam one week in four? Or 2or 3 days a week / fortnight?
Will you need to return to the London office regularly?

Where is your UK set up? If London, and near to travel routes, then OK I suppose.

Will you really have lashings of extra money so travel costs can effectively be ignored?

100% do this.

Amsterdam is so close – you can see each other every weekend if you really wanted to. You are also 31 not 39 so waiting 6-9 months to start trying for a baby is not a big deal. A £50k payrise that continues once you are back would also make a big difference. I can't see why you wouldn't do this (and think you would always regret it if you don't do it and it would lead to resentment towards your DH for holding you back)

As someone currently kicking myself for not maximising my job opportunities earlier in my career, 💯Do it now before you have kids, you’ll be setting yourself up for the future. You can start TTC part way through the year.

Maybe read all ops posts before commenting

If you can negotiate a few wfh days and your job is compatible with that and he can do the same then a few long weekends either in London or Amsterdam are really feasible - Eurostar is probably as quick as flying and more time to work on the train.
I imagine that with what you describe as ‘good’ salaries you are probably working a lot so realistically how much quality time do you spend with each other during the week?

31 isn't young for fertility and people need to stop pretending it is. As I said, there's no right or wrong. If career takes priority over being a parent that's a person's perogative, but to think finding a decent man you want to marry and raise a family with is a quick and easy process is naive. Anyone with sense wouldn't be planning a child until they've had at least 3 years with someone and lived with them so they have a good idea what kind of husband and father they will be. It would need a stroke of luck to find that right person straight after separation and not have any time wasted with men who turn out to be frogs. Even with that stroke of luck OP would be around 35 before starting TTC, where fertility goes on an even steeper decline than the one she's already on being in her early 30s.
Again, absolutely fine if being a parent isn't important, but many women end up in a position where it is too late to have a child amd have huge regret, so this pretending that it's easy to do it in the 30s and beyond needs to stop.

Take the job - you'll always regret it if you don't - a good partner would support you!!

I think this is a fair take on this.

Personally if I had moved from the US to set up my married life in the UK and DH then moved a few hours of travel away (short flight, but still a faff) I wouldn’t be impressed.

Particularly if he said he’d visit me once a month but the rest of the travel was down to me.

Have you read all the op’s posts?

There is a difference from entering a marriage with this arrangement and being asked to move to London to avoid a long distance marriage and then this spouse proposing a long distance marriage for a year.

That's blinkered short-term thinking. She'll still have the additional salary, seniority, and experience once the year is over.

OP you'd be mad not to take this offer with so few downsides to it. London to Amsterdam is VERY easily navigable. I've a niggling feeling your dh would take a very different position if he were the one being given this opportunity. Don't let him sabotage your career.

I progressed my career quite aggressively before having children. I can honestly say having a bigger salary and being more senior is a real help especially in London. I was able to afford a full time nanny which was brilliant for childcare and retained her even after the kids went to school for pickups etc
I would say take this job it sounds a great opportunity

Girls?

It’s ok for DH to not be so excited about this. I expect he will miss you and enjoys being with you, especially if you have previously been long distance.

I think you should take the job, under strict understanding that it is only for one year.

But sit down with DH and lay out how it will benefit your future together, even though you will miss him too. Emphasise the better place you’ll be in for maternity if you take the job. To be honest, I wouldn’t be thrilled if my husband decided to work away for a year either.

London to Amsterdam is easily navigable but I'll only do it once a month!

This is sounding worse and worse. The only way I think you could reasonably do this would be to treat it as a weekly commute. Negotiate Fridays WFH and travel home for the weekend every Thursday evening.

I don’t think Omaha’s any intention of doing that. She wants the move, she wants him to make most of the effort travelling, and I think she knows deep down it’ll be permanent.

Having read all the OPs posts, which many people clearly haven't, especially the huge drip feed of the second one...

If I'd spent years in a long distance relationship, my partner asked me to relocate for her, and I did, then not long afterwards she decided to take a job in her home country for a year, and expected me to do more of the travelling weekends to spend time together, I think I'd be entitled to feel miffed and potentially concerned.

Why would she want one weekend free per month? As this is her home country, after a year is she going to think, having seen more of my family (presumably) I want to stay here and relocate again so I have family help? Especially if the job is, as she says, setting up something; it's more likely than not they will offer a permanent relocation in twelve months' time.

Marriages are compromise and give and take. So far, it seems he is having to do all the giving and compromising.

I spent a couple of years in a distance relationship (not involving flights, just a few hours driving). We alternated weekends. Eventually I relocated. If my partner had said, not long after I had given up my home, my job, my friends, my hobbies, my garden, my social life "I'm going to work abroad for a year, we'll just be seeing each other three weekends out of four and you'll be doing more of the travelling" I would NOT have taken it well. I'd think they were taking the piss. I gave up everything to be with her, not go back to a distance relationship.

Not that he should be grateful - that is not what I said.

I said she doesn't owe him. It is not quid pro quo. The fact he has moved already is not relevant to whether it is "fair" for her to move now. That would be an unhelpful way to conduct a relationship: keeping tally of what is "fair".

I think it’s massively relevant. If someone makes a huge sacrifice (not “getting what they want”) then that should be a factor in later decisions.