DH doesn't want me to take a promotion abroad, am I being unreasonable to still want it?

[Mlouisede]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.
I (31f) have been offered a really good opportunity at work - basically a promotion to head up a new branch we're opening in Amsterdam. It comes with a decent pay bump (about £50k more than I'm on now) and it would be for a year, then I'd come back to London in a bigger role with more room to negotiate salary again

Me and DH (also 31) got married just over a year ago and things are genuinely good between us, that's not the issue. When I told him about the offer his first reaction was that doing long distance this early in the marriage isn't a great idea, and that we're both already earning well so it's not like we NEED the extra money. He's not wrong about the money side, we're comfortable. We'd also started talking about trying for a baby before this came up.

So now I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me knows he has a point, and starting a family is obviously a much bigger deal than a job title. But another part of me feels like this is exactly the kind of opportunity that doesn't come round twice, and if I turn it down I might always wonder "what if", especially career wise before kids potentially change everything anyway.

He's not being difficult about it or forbidding me or anything like that, he's just genuinely not that keen and I can see his side. I just don't know if I'm about to make a decision I'll regret either way.

My initial thoughts are go for it. However I’d be asking practical questions of how you can see each other regularly. Can you take off every third Friday off so he can fly out and you can have a long weekend together or you fly to London? Can you pick some places you want to see in Amsterdam together? Can he or you wfh one week every two months so you get a whole 10 days together? It’s only a year and towards the end of that period you could try for a baby then? Just use it as an opportunity to do something different before baby comes along?

Go but negotiate regular time back home /him to come to you on expenses. I’m assuming all your living costs in NL will be 100% covered by your company too.

Any chance you can work from home on a Monday or Friday to allow a bit more time together at weekends?

Have you read all the ops posts?

OK, so get practical.

How often would you return to the UK? Could you fly home every weekend? What are the costs for a commute between the countries?

What's the cost for accommodation etc in Amsterdam?

How much of the £50k does that eat up?

Is there scope to work from the UK on a regular basis ie a week a month to support family ties?

What is your employers position on supporting your family ties through an international contract?

Is it still a permanent employment or are you shifting to a fixed term contract?

Is a subsequent return to the UK guaranteed or is there a risk you'll be permanently based there in Amsterdam in the future?

It IS a leap, but it seems to me a strange thing to say, because they’ve been together for years so haven’t been single even while living apart in their long distance days. And as pp are saying, the two of them could be together practically every weekend, if not 3-4 nights a week depending on work patterns. Lots of couples don’t see each other that often if one of them works shifts! It just feels odd.

OP he does not need to like it.

Tell him it’s happening. Be firm.

I would go. One year. What an opportunity.

I would also ask him the question, what if he had got the most amazing work offer.
Would he take it?

This is not a test to see if our marriage breaks. I am not going to Amsterdam so we can find out “for good” whether we survive. That is not how I want us to treat what we have.

Honestly, I feel it's good for me, at least, even if it's not good for him. Once I’m back, I would be in a really good position career-wise and financially to have kids. And honestly, I'm not doing the long distance thing anymore.

I would still equally contribute to our shared household, and my new household in Amsterdam would be 100% my contribution.

I'm thinking of seeing him once a month by flying back to London, and he could come to Amsterdam twice. We can keep the remaining one weekend for ourselves. Only if I have an event or something else, I wouldn't be able to spend time with him that weekend.

Somebody asked how many kids we want. Okay, I want two and he wants three. The third would only be possible if we are doing well with the first two.

My fertility is good, so it's not something I'm worried about. But I'm not sure if, in the future, he would ever want to move to another country for a year. I wouldn't be okay with that because by then, we would be deeply into our marriage.

My company is offering me an apartment, some free wellness plans, a gym membership, and travel costs for attending events. All of that is covered, so I would be saving 50k net completely.

When I come back to London next year, I could ask for a promotion and potentially earn 100k more than what I'm earning now.

Now, from his side, everything he is saying is true, but I feel like he is going to think i moved for nothing when she wanted me to move, and now she is moving for her own benefits. He is kind of negative about that, and it's a serious issue for me. I don't know if I'm being completely selfish here or not.

There are a few things he has said. After doing long distance again, he doesn't want to start living like a single person again. He thinks that if my company permanently tells me to stay in Amsterdam, which he thinks is possible, he won't move again for me. And that could put our marriage in serious trouble.

He is not openly telling me many things, but he seems a bit emotionally distant and silently resentful.

Negotiate with work, see if you can do one or 2 days a week from home, those days being next to a weekend. Then commit to coming back to the UK for the extended weekends for at least 2 out of 4 weekends. He can come over for 1 weekend a month as well. He can could fly over to you for UK bank hols. I think 12 months will fly by and you will have more money in the bank and an improved maternity. Would he consider buying extra holiday to visit you? An extra week could go a long way.
You will build up resentment of you don't give it a go.

OP what he’s saying is that he will cheat on you if you go, and then make it out to be your fault.

I really don’t think you should have got married at all TBF.

Also will it result in you earning more than him? Is he jealous?

I can completely understand why you're torn on this OP.

If you do go I definitely think it's up to you to travel to him rather than him to visit you. If my partner worked away the last thing I'd want to spend my weekends doing would be travelling to Amsterdam or meeting in Paris because it's half way, the person who goes should do the travelling.

Really only you (and he) can decide.

I would go for it, it's only for a year. You could still see each other at weekends.

Why does he need to travel to you twice a month and you only travel to him once? Surely if it's you moving away you should do the majority of the travelling.

How on earth do you think marriages in the Army, Navy Air Force survive and other roles where one is away from home, air crew flying to Austrlia for example?

Neither of you are being unreasonable. If you want to go, then go, but be prepared that this may be detrimental to your marriage.

Have you picked the lion's share of the wide work/mental load since you have been married?

There's a world of difference between bot wanting a long distance relationship across a fucking ocean for an unlimited time than moving over the road for a year.

People take daytrips to Amsterdam for goodness sake.

You don't owe him. He got what he wanted too- to be with you. It's not a stick to beat you with.

You would be crazy to turn it down. You'd be limiting your career at that company forever and setting up a branch is gold-standsrd experience.

For a man.

You don't have kids yet so take it from me, when you do, they will become your whole world and he won't even be a close second, so act like a mum now and prioritise building a life with the experience and finance behind you to give them the very very best. Taking this opportunity might be the difference between how much time off you take with them, your flexible working opportunities and making all the school stuff or hiring help so you can have the best possible experience.

The fact he doesn't want you to do it and you're thinking of honouring his wants on this show you're not ready for parenthood and the tough choices you'll need to make to put them first because you're thinking like lovers and what you each want rather than what's best for the family, which is 100% to take the job.

I would do it now. Once you have kids there’s less likliehood of you being able to accept it. It also puts you in great stead after the year for career progression which will also help you for any time out for having children even if it’s just maternity leave that you take. Amsterdam really isn’t far so you could see each other regularly. I think your DH saying it’s a negative to do this so early in the marriage is an odd one. Considering you are married presumably your relationship is a stable and committed one. Congratulations and I hope you go for it

Doubtless you would expect to benefit from the increased salary potential after the year though. The OP is going to work, not on some jolly, as others have said many couples travel extensively within the UK for work, flying to Amsterdam at the weekend is far pleasanter that sitting 6 hours in a car or train!

A year goes so fast.
Could you fly to Amsterdam monday night/ tuesday very early, and return late thursday night, doing long days?

This is a long term life changing opportunity that I believe you would deeply regret missing.
You don't have children so this is hugely doable.

I worked and lived in Amsterdam, so many staff commuted to London every weekend.
It is doable.

You are not being selfish, YOU have been offered an opportunity ! take it !
or you may resent it in the future.
It's for one year.
and you could be married for 50+

Would you consider it if you already had children - would you take the children with you or leave them ' at home ' with their father.

This is your chance. take it with both hands.

Between annual leave and Bank Holidays many weekends could turn into long weekends maybe longer if both wanted / tried...

I don’t agree. I know a lot of people who are living in different countries within their marriage, and they are definitely not happy.

I would not want my husband to take a job elsewhere; not because our marriage isn’t strong enough, but because I don’t want to be far away from him. He feels the same way.

I gave up a lot of opportunities to have a family, and I have never regretted it. I would never put my job before my kids or my husband, but that’s just how our family dynamics work.

I don’t see the point of being married if you are living far away from each other. One year is not a long time, but I can tell you now, this probably won’t just be for a year; there will be more job opportunities, more promotions, and more reasons to stay away when she moves back.

She will have to put starting a family on hold if she chooses this path, and that is probably what her husband doesn’t want.