DH doesn't want me to take a promotion abroad, am I being unreasonable to still want it?

[Mlouisede]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance.
I (31f) have been offered a really good opportunity at work - basically a promotion to head up a new branch we're opening in Amsterdam. It comes with a decent pay bump (about £50k more than I'm on now) and it would be for a year, then I'd come back to London in a bigger role with more room to negotiate salary again

Me and DH (also 31) got married just over a year ago and things are genuinely good between us, that's not the issue. When I told him about the offer his first reaction was that doing long distance this early in the marriage isn't a great idea, and that we're both already earning well so it's not like we NEED the extra money. He's not wrong about the money side, we're comfortable. We'd also started talking about trying for a baby before this came up.

So now I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me knows he has a point, and starting a family is obviously a much bigger deal than a job title. But another part of me feels like this is exactly the kind of opportunity that doesn't come round twice, and if I turn it down I might always wonder "what if", especially career wise before kids potentially change everything anyway.

He's not being difficult about it or forbidding me or anything like that, he's just genuinely not that keen and I can see his side. I just don't know if I'm about to make a decision I'll regret either way.

We did long distance before getting married I was in London (I'm Dutch), and he was in NYC and then Paris. I was the one who asked him to move to London, and he did. Now I'm again moveing to another country for a year

I get it that he moved to London for you, but that history does suggest you can manage with one of you working long distance temporarily.

I'm really torn here.

I originally said YABU because I wouldn't want DH to live abroad and away for a year, even if I could see him regularly. Then I thought about the money and the benefit that would have long-term, and changed my mind.

But then I read your update about him moving to London for you and have changed my mind again 😂I think if I'd moved somewhere on DH's request and he then decided to move abroad away from me, I would be less than impressed.

She asked him to move so it suggests the opposite. When it suits her she can ask her partner to relocate but when something comes up she wants to do she can happily work away and manage.

Do it.

Amsterdam is great. I live here.

Had your DH already moved countries because you didn’t want to have a long distance relationship though?

That’s the biggest issue here.

OP’s happiness seems to come before her DH’s, which would make me question the relationship if I was him.

I do think she should take it but it’s not as black and white as some posters are making out.

We don’t know how that came about. Did he take a £50K pay cut, or was it a move that also consolidated his international experience and benefitted him professionally, making it easier for him to agree to?

Take the job. I have read your updates. I can see he wouldn't want to follow you round the world, but a year in Amsterdam is absolutely doable. A train journey away and a beautiful city. Weekends spent in London / Amsterdam with a bit of energy and effort could be just marvellous.

Put the effort in when you see each other, communicate regularly and your marriage will be just fine

Maybe it's not about the distance, but about him moving on her request and her now wanting to bugger off abroad without him.

Honestly, my maternity leave will be better. At the moment, he thinks we earn “good” money, but he also thinks we can earn even more. My job security will be good, and I’ll make sure everything stays good and on track.
He said it would be weird to live like a single person again after getting married.

Given this is for 1 year only and you are young I’d highly recommend going for it! Amsterdam is easily commutable weekly or 3 times a month. Deal can be you try for the baby next.

I’d go - Amsterdam is a short hop and cheap flights and you may be able to negotiate a budget for those. Going now before kids is ideal and the promotion you get on your return would insulate you against any possible negative impact of maternity leave on your career [sadly, it still can] and give you a financial cushion for childcare. Get that return to UK promotion confirmed in writing up front though. One year will fly and the career/financial security it offers in a time when most people are worrying about finding work and sustained career prospects is not to be sniffed at.

He said it would be weird to live like a single person again after getting married.

What does he mean by this? Do you do a lot of the domestic tasks?

If your husband was given this opportunity would he seize it ? My bet is he would , there for he is being unreasonable.
yes it will be tricky and you will have to work hard as a couple but Amsterdam is hardly round the world is it ? It’s a short flight.
honestly I feel if you don’t take it there will always be some resentment there from you .
congratulations on your promotion

Do it now. Everything changes once you have a baby. If by some miracle this comes round again in 10 years, you won't even consider leaving your theoretical 8 year old for a year

(With apologies to non Dutch readers)

Zoals je vast wel weet is er in Amsterdam ook woningnood net zoals in Londen. En dat loon is relatief - de supermarkt en uit eten gaan is duurder, en betaalt je werkgever voor je zorgverzekering?

Op de lange termijn, als ik een kindje zou willen zou ik terug naar Nederland gaan. Je zwangerschapsverlof is waarschijnlijk langer, beter betaald, en de zorg is beter (geen 'maar het is gratis dus je zal het er mee moeten doen' zoals met de NHS). Je krijgt in Engeland geen 8 dagen kraamzorg! Heeft hij daar al over nagedacht? Bovendien is de kinderalimentatie VEEL beter geregeld, mocht je in de toekomst scheiden...

Als je een rondje wilt gaan fietsen zonder helm en samen klagen over het gebrek aan fietspaden let me know 😁

P.s. jezus hij is wel een beetje een zeikerd aangezien het maar 35 minuten vliegen is vanaf City Airport

That's a bit of a leap. Presumably he just means he would be living alone most of the time which isn't what a lot of people want from a marriage.

It’s Amsterdam - a lot nearer than NY. You can see each other every single weekend. Once a month spend the weekend in a different European city. A couple of negotiation points for work might be you present in Amsterdam Tues to Thursday. Allowing you to remain in London most of the week. Or being based in Amsterdam for six months, then based in London but prepared to do brief trips over as needed for the remaining six months.

I would do it but on the commitment that I understand I'll be doing the majority of traveling back and forth, making a very conscious effort to stay in regular contact, make plans together for the weekends in advance that kind of thing. Lots of couples stay apart during the week, and if it's only a year you could save a huge chunk of money for your future child/children already, you can take maternity comfortable with finances, and would set up the future for you nicely. Maybe suggest couples counselling for DH to help relieve his anxieties, and ensure that you are keeping open communication. It doesn't need to mean there's an issue in your relationship either, it can be beneficial regardless.

I'd go in a heartbeat. And I bet your DH would too if it was his promotion.

OP, would it be worth sitting down and working out a visits plan, so you need xx for living costs, xx for savings/other costs and then you will have a travel budget of xx

So travel budget of xx
Annual leave days xx
Flight times/opportunities for you to come back or him to go there
How much would the flights cost
Plot out a rough potential visit plan for the year, so every other weekend one of you flies out etc.
Give him a nice big visual, at the moment he's all unknowns, its much easier for people to get used to an idea with a physical thing to look at so they can see how many days you'd actually be able to see each other, which feels like quite a lot?

If you are in London currently the flights must be dirt cheap, and its so quick! Has he done the London > Amsterdam route before?

Many relationships are like ships that pass in the week, with quality time at the weekend. It's only Amsterdam. You have money. I can't really see the problem with one of you doing the traveling on alternative weekends. There'll also be annual leave. Any scope for either of you to do occasional working from home? A year sounds a long time but realistically it'll fly past, and compared to your previous long distance, this is practically the next county. This is so doable.

Given Amsterdam is so close to the UK and only a couple of hours flight away you could in theory commute.
However the 6am flight each morning and flight back in the evening could get exhausting.
Taking the 6am flight Monday morning and back Friday night and vice versa would be a reasonable compromise

Amsterdam is only around 250 miles away

I think your dh is being a bit odd about the excuses he is coming up with of why not to take the job

You are married. You can spend alternate weekends with each other.

Is he saying that if you not being home for 4 nights each week for what is probably going to be only 10.5-11months (presume you will get holidays). That he won’t be able to control himself for the 4 nights you are away

The reasons he is stating sound like him setting out what is expected of you now you’re married

It’s also saying do as I say otherwise the marriage is over.

I don’t think he is as committed to this marriage as you.

It might be just a knee jerk reaction because he will miss you. But I would watch out for other 🚩🚩

Honestly, this is the best time to do it OP - before kids . Long distance is manageable when you are with the right person , (forces wife for 18 years so I am speaking from experience!) and now is the right time in your life to put everything you can into your job.

I did similar , and although it was luck more than judgement due to a surprise pregnancy, am very grateful I spent those years getting myself where I wanted to be in my career as once I had my first baby my priorities changed and I was in a good enough position to be able to step away and not be plagued by ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’ .

Go for it !

He is incredibly selfish. It sounds like it would be amazing for your career and will improve your life even after you come home. I bet he would take the opportunity if it was presented to him. I don’t understand why he wants to hold you back.