Page 11 | DH doesn't want me to take a promotion abroad, am I being unreasonable to still want it?

Mlouisede · 2026-08-16T08:08:18+00:00

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance. I (31f) have been offered a really good opportunity at work - basically a promotion to head up a new branch we're opening in Amsterdam. It comes with a decent pay bump (about £50k more than I'm on now) and it would be for a year, then I'd come back to London in a bigger role with more room to negotiate salary again Me and DH (also 31) got married just over a year ago and things are genuinely good between us, that's not the issue. When I told him about the offer his first reaction was that doing long distance this early in the marriage isn't a great idea, and that we're both already earning well so it's not like we NEED the extra money. He's not wrong about the money side, we're comfortable. We'd also started talking about trying for a baby before this came up. So now I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me knows he has a point, and starting a family is obviously a much bigger deal than a job title. But another part of me feels like this is exactly the kind of opportunity that doesn't come round twice, and if I turn it down I might always wonder "what if", especially career wise before kids potentially change everything anyway. He's not being difficult about it or forbidding me or anything like that, he's just genuinely not that keen and I can see his side. I just don't know if I'm about to make a decision I'll regret either way.

Hayleylulljah · 16/08/2026 12:59

Amsterdam is my favourite city in the whole world and it’s a 40 min flight from London. Go x

Cherrytree86 · 16/08/2026 13:00

JLou08 · 16/08/2026 12:30

31 isn't young for fertility and people need to stop pretending it is. As I said, there's no right or wrong. If career takes priority over being a parent that's a person's perogative, but to think finding a decent man you want to marry and raise a family with is a quick and easy process is naive. Anyone with sense wouldn't be planning a child until they've had at least 3 years with someone and lived with them so they have a good idea what kind of husband and father they will be. It would need a stroke of luck to find that right person straight after separation and not have any time wasted with men who turn out to be frogs. Even with that stroke of luck OP would be around 35 before starting TTC, where fertility goes on an even steeper decline than the one she's already on being in her early 30s.
Again, absolutely fine if being a parent isn't important, but many women end up in a position where it is too late to have a child amd have huge regret, so this pretending that it's easy to do it in the 30s and beyond needs to stop.

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@JLou08

it is young for fertility. I’m 40 - you must think I am practically ancient fertility wise yet plenty of 40 year olds have babies

StandingDeskDisco · 16/08/2026 13:02

NotMajorTom · 16/08/2026 12:55

I think it’s massively relevant. If someone makes a huge sacrifice (not “getting what they want”) then that should be a factor in later decisions.

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No, what is relevant is the future, not the past.
They should look at how would the proposed change affect each of them now and in the future, the pros and cons going forward, how to ensure the change benefits them both in the future.
In this case it is about how the money and OP's career boost will benefit them as a family in the future.

Keeping a tally on past sacrifices is not healthy.

CustardySergeant · 16/08/2026 13:03

NotMajorTom · 16/08/2026 11:57

This is batshit.

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I agree. The misandry in this thread is shocking.

JLou08 · 16/08/2026 13:06

Cherrytree86 · 16/08/2026 13:00

@JLou08

it is young for fertility. I’m 40 - you must think I am practically ancient fertility wise yet plenty of 40 year olds have babies

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Less that half of women trying to convince at 40 will get pregnant. That's just getting pregnant, they will be at high risk of miscarriage, pregnancy complications and having a child with disabilities.

NotMajorTom · 16/08/2026 13:10

StandingDeskDisco · 16/08/2026 13:02

No, what is relevant is the future, not the past.
They should look at how would the proposed change affect each of them now and in the future, the pros and cons going forward, how to ensure the change benefits them both in the future.
In this case it is about how the money and OP's career boost will benefit them as a family in the future.

Keeping a tally on past sacrifices is not healthy.

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i Think we’ll agree to disagree here

LoveItaly · 16/08/2026 13:11

NotMajorTom · 16/08/2026 11:55

Ok so this is looking worse. I’m really feeling for him

he moves for you after you ask. Now you want to work away for a year. You’ll only see him 3 weekends out of 4 so you have one to yourself, and 2 of those he’ll have to travel, you’ll only travel once. Well… unless you have an event or something then you might not see him.

if I were him I’d think you’d checked out.

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If I were the husband I’d think the OP had checked out, too. From my own experience, and everyone I have known move abroad for work, people always stay for longer than they initially planned or don’t return at all.

musicforthesoul · 16/08/2026 13:13

No ones really wrong here. You aren't wrong for thinking this is a great opportunity (it is) and that you could end up resentful if you don't take it (you could).

He isn't wrong for feeling annoyed at the situation if he moved to London purely for you and thinking he doesn't want to move or do long distance again.

I've done long distance before and honestly I don't think I could do it again. Other people make it work just fine though so all depends on the person. You just have to keep communicating because there isn't an easy compromise.

Notonthestairs · 16/08/2026 13:14

I certainly think if DH offered to visit me 12 weekends a year and any other meet ups were down to me, I'd assume he wasn't altogether engaged.

Batties · 16/08/2026 13:16

Nocommentisacomment · 16/08/2026 11:48

I don’t agree. I know a lot of people who are living in different countries within their marriage, and they are definitely not happy.

I would not want my husband to take a job elsewhere; not because our marriage isn’t strong enough, but because I don’t want to be far away from him. He feels the same way.

I gave up a lot of opportunities to have a family, and I have never regretted it. I would never put my job before my kids or my husband, but that’s just how our family dynamics work.

I don’t see the point of being married if you are living far away from each other. One year is not a long time, but I can tell you now, this probably won’t just be for a year; there will be more job opportunities, more promotions, and more reasons to stay away when she moves back.

She will have to put starting a family on hold if she chooses this path, and that is probably what her husband doesn’t want.

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“She will have to put starting a family on hold if she chooses this path”. So what? Why is having a baby the ultimate goal? God forbid a young woman prioritises her career.

Bramblecrumb · 16/08/2026 13:16

This is weird, I had the exact same issue! He wasn't thrilled about it but eventually understood and I went off and had an amazing year in NYC. Came back, we bought a house and now have a one year old. No regrets. I get it was selfish in some ways but ultimately it helped my career, and I think a lot about how much fun and freedom I had and how I really lived my life right up until I came back and had kids. Obviously I live my life now but it's v different. I went in 2023.

ZanyMaker · 16/08/2026 13:17

Hayleylulljah · 16/08/2026 12:59

Amsterdam is my favourite city in the whole world and it’s a 40 min flight from London. Go x

But by the time you add on travel either side and airport wait times it’s a lot longer and the OP is asking her husband to do that Friday dn Sunday twice a month.

NotMajorTom · 16/08/2026 13:19

Bramblecrumb · 16/08/2026 13:16

This is weird, I had the exact same issue! He wasn't thrilled about it but eventually understood and I went off and had an amazing year in NYC. Came back, we bought a house and now have a one year old. No regrets. I get it was selfish in some ways but ultimately it helped my career, and I think a lot about how much fun and freedom I had and how I really lived my life right up until I came back and had kids. Obviously I live my life now but it's v different. I went in 2023.

But has he already relocated from another country to be with you at your request, and then you decided to work away for a year? That’s what’s happening here

Barleystrawandchaff213 · 16/08/2026 13:20

The more I read this thread op, the more I think the “solution” lies in convincing your dh thst you will be returning to London after a year, even if you get pregnant during that time. Of course you have to genuinely believe in this plan too.

Ironically, you might both enjoy a better lifestyle raising dc in the Netherlands but your dh needs to feel comfortable where he is located too. Is language an issue for him?

Pinkissmart · 16/08/2026 13:20

So, you could see each other 3-4 times a month? Go!

Redpaisley · 16/08/2026 13:22

Mlouisede · 16/08/2026 10:48

Come on girls, do better! He literally shifted his career to London for me because I didn't want long distance.

And many comments are calling him selfish, or saying it's a test for the marriage? I don't think it's a test for the marriage it's more about logistics and not wanting to change our routine

90% of the comments are pointing towards ending the marriage, which isn't helpful at all. I only posted to get neutral opinions. And as some men pointed out, if the genders were reversed, the opinions would be very different. I felt that too

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Ignore those comments. Many posters joined on mumsnet because of relationship issues and they tend to project their own experiences and bitterness on others.

You said you know him for 21 years and you are only 31, you were together for 8 years before you got married and he moved to London for you. This is a relationship worth keeping. Anyone who tells you that he is selfish or to leave him is not worth listening to. I can’t believe posters can be this irresponsible when you said you have a happy marriage. You don’t have to put tests for him. 50k is a lot of money for many but not for everyone. You seem like a high calibre employee, you will get opportunities. Don’t risk your relationship.

Notonthestairs · 16/08/2026 13:23

Pinkissmart · 16/08/2026 13:20

So, you could see each other 3-4 times a month? Go!

She's offering to come to London once a month.
Any other travel will be down to him.

AllTheChicken · 16/08/2026 13:27

Have you clatified what he means by 'living like a single person'? Because he wouldnt be, he'd be a married person temporarily living alone.

I feel a man would take it, hands down. And so should you. This benefits him as well in the long run. If he's in the marriage for the long term, then he needs to be able to look further than the end of his nose.

Is he worried what people will think of you moving so soon after getting married? As people have said, before kids is the time to do this type of thing

SockPlant · 16/08/2026 13:36

Mlouisede · 16/08/2026 10:48

Come on girls, do better! He literally shifted his career to London for me because I didn't want long distance.

And many comments are calling him selfish, or saying it's a test for the marriage? I don't think it's a test for the marriage it's more about logistics and not wanting to change our routine

90% of the comments are pointing towards ending the marriage, which isn't helpful at all. I only posted to get neutral opinions. And as some men pointed out, if the genders were reversed, the opinions would be very different. I felt that too

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Girls? oh come off it
Take the career hit then, have kids with this bestie of yours and don't come back whining in 5 years that you can't get back on the career ladder and he does fuck all because "he earns the money"

Any husband of mine who tried to block me doing this - either by trying to forbid it, or wheedling or emotional blackmail would be told to grow the fuck up. (and yes, i have been married for over 40 years, and yes, we have been separated - by continents at one time - due to work. We handle it like grown ups knowing that sometimes what is brilliant for one of us isn't the best for the other)

Itsbeenalongtimeincoming · 16/08/2026 13:38

Since you have an extra £50k and assuming housing will be paid in the Netherlands….here is what I would do….

Negotiate two days from home. The Dutch are wonderfully flexible and this won’t be odd. Work Mon-Wed there. Travel back Wednesday night or Thursday morning - it’s less than an hours flight. Work from home Thursday- Fri. Travel back Sunday night.

smithsgj · 16/08/2026 13:39

Mlouisede · 16/08/2026 10:00

Actually, there's some context I need to add. I dated my husband for 8 years, and I've known him for almost 21 years. He was my best friend, and that eventually turned into a relationship.

We did long distance before getting married I was in London (I'm Dutch), and he was in NYC and then Paris. I was the one who asked him to move to London, and he did. Now I'm again moveing to another country for a year

Honestly, I don't know what the right answer is. This should be a mutual decision too it's not like I can just do whatever I want whenever I feel like it. That's not how this works.

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The revelation that you’re Dutch changes the whole dynamic.

SockPlant · 16/08/2026 13:39

Mlouisede · 16/08/2026 11:35

This is not a test to see if our marriage breaks. I am not going to Amsterdam so we can find out “for good” whether we survive. That is not how I want us to treat what we have.

Honestly, I feel it's good for me, at least, even if it's not good for him. Once I’m back, I would be in a really good position career-wise and financially to have kids. And honestly, I'm not doing the long distance thing anymore.

I would still equally contribute to our shared household, and my new household in Amsterdam would be 100% my contribution.

I'm thinking of seeing him once a month by flying back to London, and he could come to Amsterdam twice. We can keep the remaining one weekend for ourselves. Only if I have an event or something else, I wouldn't be able to spend time with him that weekend.

Somebody asked how many kids we want. Okay, I want two and he wants three. The third would only be possible if we are doing well with the first two.

My fertility is good, so it's not something I'm worried about. But I'm not sure if, in the future, he would ever want to move to another country for a year. I wouldn't be okay with that because by then, we would be deeply into our marriage.

My company is offering me an apartment, some free wellness plans, a gym membership, and travel costs for attending events. All of that is covered, so I would be saving 50k net completely.

When I come back to London next year, I could ask for a promotion and potentially earn 100k more than what I'm earning now.

Now, from his side, everything he is saying is true, but I feel like he is going to think i moved for nothing when she wanted me to move, and now she is moving for her own benefits. He is kind of negative about that, and it's a serious issue for me. I don't know if I'm being completely selfish here or not.

There are a few things he has said. After doing long distance again, he doesn't want to start living like a single person again. He thinks that if my company permanently tells me to stay in Amsterdam, which he thinks is possible, he won't move again for me. And that could put our marriage in serious trouble.

He is not openly telling me many things, but he seems a bit emotionally distant and silently resentful.

god he's a sulker.

If this were the other way round, do you think a man would jack in a big career move that would lead to potentially bigger career moves because his partner was sulking at having moved to London and doesn't want to move again?

it's Amsterdam, not the science station on Antarctica. It is supremely reachable by plane, train and car via a ferry.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 16/08/2026 13:43

Geez I’d do it in a heartbeat. You’re young. You don’t have kids yet. It will be good for your career and you get a pay bump. You could come home twice a month, he could come to you once a month.

It’s literally a year. If your marriage can’t survive that you ain’t gonna survive children-or the resentment you will feel if you don’t take the opportunity.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 16/08/2026 13:46

If you’d be living rent free you’d have heaps of cash to come back and forth and him
come to you

you’d have all your annual leave still so would see each other loads still

think you’d be insane to turn this down

god I have 2 little kids and if something like this was offered to my husband I’d be sending him off - the extra money would be amazing for us - and would be able to afford way better lives for our kids

Glittertwins · 16/08/2026 13:48

Did he move when you asked because there was no fixed end date in sight? At least you know yours is fixed term as well as it being a simple flight away.
We managed that distance when now DH was a student and we had nowhere close to the amount of financial compensation you are going to get.