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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum turned nasty to me as a teen. Struggling to look after her now. AIBU?

158 replies

Bluecrocodile · 15/08/2026 18:45

I have fond memories of my mother during my childhood, baking, beach days etc. until I turned 12/13. It coincided with my older sister 18/19 having a baby but in my mind that can’t be the reason. She turned absolutely vile overnight. Didn’t speak to me or look at me. Screamed at almost anything. Stopped buying any nice food or clothes for me. Tried to humiliate me in front of anyone, reading diary- spilling my secrets.. I was behaving. School was my lifeline so I was glad to be there. Passed GCSEs and A levels. Went to uni. I’m older now and I find it very difficult to forgive her behaviour. She was also vile to sister but treated baby very well. Dad was there, financially comfortable. I don’t understand why but wondered if anyone else had experienced this.

OP posts:
NoisyMonster678 · 17/08/2026 12:33

She is an absalute disgrace and a useless mother, despite your earlier happier memories but abandoning you just because your sister had a baby is absurd, abusive, traumatising to you as a child and cruel.

As she calmed down a bit after your sisters child grew up and left home, your sisters pregnancy may have caused her some financial worries as raising kids is expensive , however this is no excuse for how she treated you.

Some people get closure from completely cutting contact with their abusive parent(s) and others choose to help them during their old age but the choice is yours but remember, don't go feeling guilty if you choose to cut contact, wether she needs you now or not.

Original poster
Bluecrocodile · 17/08/2026 13:04

She definitely wasn’t struggling financially. She showered herself and baby with expensive clothes/toys/holidays.
Even still, some children describe growing up in poor homes but were showered with love.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 17/08/2026 13:47

Bluecrocodile · 17/08/2026 08:57

Ransacking a teenagers bedrooms to find personal items, then waiting until you’ve got an audience to shout about said items… is not a little bit of uncontrollable rage.
Denying your teenager a haircut/decent clothes/ pocket money/period products whilst showering your grandchild with expensive toys is not menopausal.
Telling you daily how wonderful, smart, attractive, confident your friends are but never receiving any kind words yourself is not a mood swing.

I am so sorry you are not being heard here, OP. The posters insisting on this absurd menopause-as-excuse explanation are distracting and derailing the thread to an unconscionable degree.

OP doesn’t need random mumsnetters to explain away her mother’s abuse. She suffered horrendous neglect and abuse as a teenager! There is no excuse! She has to deal with the damage everday! She works gard to break the cycle of abuse by raising her teens livingly and intentionally! She deserves support for this not to be undermined and carped at in bhalf of her abusive mother.

Dustyspringburn · 17/08/2026 14:24

Yanbu for not being able to forgive her behaviour towards you. There’s a lot of focus on people to forgive and forget abusive behaviour from those closest to us.

You did the right thing and put distance between you and your mum for a while. And you made sure you were fully independent from her when you resumed contact. I’m not sure it’s the best thing to be caring for her given her past behaviour?

I think you’re right to say her cruelty wasn’t due to being menopausal or the stress of your sister having a baby. It seems to chime in with you becoming a teenager. Prior to that everything was good with your mum. Did your father ever comment on this abrupt change? Do you know anything about your mum’s upbringing? What were her parents like? Were her parents religious?

EarringsandLipstick · 17/08/2026 14:27

Debbie196 · 15/08/2026 20:36

My mother was vile to me as well. Both verbally and physically abusive from the age of about 7 years old. My younger sister was treated like a princess, but I was screamed at and hit most days. I was a quiet, well behaved and scared child.
As a young child I was often locked in the house on my own when she took my sister for days out. I was regularly forced to eat food I didn’t like, and if I didn’t finish a meal it was given to me cold the following days until it was gone. I used to hold food in my mouth and spit it down the toilet or outside drain to try and get rid of it. She often tipped milk over my head at lunchtime, in temper, and I had to wash my hair before I went back to school. When I was a teenager she called me a slut for having a boyfriend. Many other examples. However she was always complimented on how well turned out her daughters were - we were always clean and well behaved in public. A “perfect “ family to anyone who saw us.

I looked after her when she was old and dying, due to guilt and a sense of duty. I couldn’t leave her to struggle on her own and wouldn’t have forgiven myself if I had neglected her. Obviously sister was nowhere to be seen.
When she was dying, I was talking to her and telling her DSis was travelling to see her and would be there soon, to try and comfort her. I knew she didn’t want me there, and only wanted DSis.
I asked her once why she had been horrid to me. She looked shocked and told me “at least you weren’t spoilt “. I’ve never forgiven her.
Please do whatever you feel is best for you and your family.

I had tears in my eyes reading this. I'm so so sorry you experienced this and you are an incredible person for caring for her despite all of that.

I hope life has been good to you in other ways 🌺

SlightlyTerrifiedButPolite · 17/08/2026 14:36

@Bluecrocodilewould you ever consider raising with your mum how she treated you in the past? I am not sure what sort of state she’s in at the moment / if she’s able to speak coherently

Castolaya · 17/08/2026 15:34

TishHope · 17/08/2026 07:56

My experience is similar to yours in some ways, OP and I completely identify. In my early childhood memories my mum was lovely to me, but she became really verbally cruel to me when I reached around 10 years old. She was dealing with a disabled elder sibling and I think she took a lot of that out on me. I shudder when I think of some of the things she told me I was and of course I was only a kid, so I believed her.

Honestly I think this is a lot more likely to be the reason.

Women spent their time repressing very valid emotions to fit in with a very repressive judgemental society set up abc controlled by men. In my experience a lot of this was projected on to me and my sister.

My mother was very misogynistic and really bought into all of the male supremacy ideas.

She therefore took anything uncomfortable out on my sister and me including the abuse we experienced at the hands of a family member. She continued that well before as well as after the initial flurry of menopause. It would be incredibly depressing if women continue to go along with this hormones cause everything narrative. It has done so much damage to women in the past as has been well explained by other posters.

TishHope · 17/08/2026 15:57

Thank you, @Castolaya , it seems so obvious when an outsider says it. My mum was also very misogynistic and placed men far above women. Oh, and she also reckoned that she 'sailed through the menopause'. This was to fit in with my horrible father's ideas that women were lying about the side effects.

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