Mum turned nasty to me as a teen. Struggling to look after her now. AIBU?

[Bluecrocodile]

I have fond memories of my mother during my childhood, baking, beach days etc. until I turned 12/13. It coincided with my older sister 18/19 having a baby but in my mind that can’t be the reason. She turned absolutely vile overnight. Didn’t speak to me or look at me. Screamed at almost anything. Stopped buying any nice food or clothes for me. Tried to humiliate me in front of anyone, reading diary- spilling my secrets.. I was behaving. School was my lifeline so I was glad to be there. Passed GCSEs and A levels. Went to uni. I’m older now and I find it very difficult to forgive her behaviour. She was also vile to sister but treated baby very well. Dad was there, financially comfortable. I don’t understand why but wondered if anyone else had experienced this.

It's such a waste of your time and wellbeing to continue caring for her. You should really step in and care for yourself. You are used to being neglected and forced into the compliant role but your time would be better spent now focusing on your own mental health.

You should take a step back and read around FOG. Sign up for some therapy. Put yourself first for once. You are allowed. It's ok to value yourself and to meet your needs before helping others.

How has your relationship been since teens, and how long ago were your teens?

I’m early 50s now. I left home and kept my distance for many years. I got back in touch when I had children. She’s better now but as I said, I find it very difficult to understand her conduct during the years I needed her most

So agree with this.
You are a loving mother to your own children but your contact with this horror must be a source of stress and pain.
I think it is madness to have your life and that of your children overshadowed by your caring for your abuser.

What did you personally get out of posting these words? Is it that you feel so powerless in life that you have to come onto MN to be a c&*t on here. No one mentioned inheritance except you.

@Bluecrocodile your Mum’s actions towards you are about what was going on on the inside fir her and had absolutely nothing to do with you as a person or what you deserved. The therapist’s advice is good although I hope they couched it a little with how much this behaviour likely affected you.

People have such schematic views if human motivation here. Its much more likely that she used the vulnerable older sister to gain access to another baby/baby doll that she could parade and enjoy playing with.

She turned on OP because OP still needed maternal care and she didn’t want to spend that care on her. Like an animal that clears the nest and drives off juveniles when it has a new clutch of eggs. OP, in her mind, had aged out and was to be driven out.

Did she go through anything at the time? My behaviour changed after a major surgery, anaesthetic can give you a depression and any steroid medication makes me crazy (I’m auto immune so try very much not to take it now I know!). I’m not excusing her but in my case I could recognise it and asked for anti depressants

I wouldn’t be looking after her at all. Fuck her

I tried to improve my relationship with my mother when I had my own children, I thought she would want to be involved. What actually happened was that she stayed entirely true to form - centred herself in everything, wanted to be my eldest's favourite person and expected me to facilitate it, tried to control how I parented and how many children I had, and totally rejected my second child. Looking back I know it was a last ditch attempt to try and get her to mother me.

I will continue to care for her until the end.

You're not going to feel any better after she has died. You're not going to think, that's good, I looked after her so now she loves me. You will still feel like that neglected and abused child. In fact, you might even feel worse because once she has gone all you are left with are the awful memories and no appreciation or thanks from her.

Don't care for your abuser, care for yourself.

I agree with menopause playing a part as DH said MIL turned into an absolute nightmare to deal with. She threw his Dads clothes out the window and turfed him out because the poor guy got made redundant. She was a screaming mess and then got HRT which helped.

Our mother turned particularly horrible when she was going through menopause and we were teens. Particularly with me as I take strongly after my Dad[s family. She blamed him for not "giving her the spoiled life she wanted" (only child brought up in Colonial India)
I once said to her own mother, my darling Granny: She[s so stupid. Gran replied: I know but she is your mother!!!

Was it the menopause?
Obviously it doesnt excuse her behavioyrv
But being menopausal mystlf its affected me more than i ever thought it would.

Your mother does not deserve one minute of your time ,she sounds like an absolute monster.
Get some help sorted if you must but walk away and live your life free of her.
Looking after her for the rest of her days is a big promise to keep.
It doesn't matter why she did what she did nothing on this earth excuses her evilness .
I hope it's not too long until you are free of this disgusting excuse of a mother.
I hope you find peace in your life .

My mantra for dealing with my mother became "some questions don't need answers anymore." It didn't matter why she was such an awful, unpredictable parent anymore. Was it the abusive childhood that may or may not have happened, as her stories always changed? Was my father really horrible to no one other than her and only when no one else was around, ever - despite her frequently screaming at him for hours so loudly it could be heard 3 houses away? Was it the alcoholism, menopause, depression, addiction to OTC painkillers, her prescription drugs? It didn't matter in the end - she refused to get any help, take any help, make any changes. I grew to understand that whatever I did would never been right or enough so I did what I felt comfortable with. I could not have cared for her in any way, I didn't have it left in me by then. And I don't feel bad about that.

To suddenly go from being a doting mother to absolutely horrible towards you is very very unusual.

Did she have a breakdown over something you weren't party to? A particularly bad menopause? A head injury?

I know you said you were a good teen, but most people would say that about themselves so your teen attitude might have contributed (I'm not pointing blame at you, I just live with teens so know how difficult if can be).

Maybe your sisters baby tipped her over the edge. Also you mentioned her being religious, that's a whole different area rich with mental health issues.

Maybe it was a mixture of all these things.

Have you never addressed why her character apparently changed so suddenly towards you?

Thank you for your kind words. I don’t know why I would have felt guilty. I often read posts when people tell others to go NC or LC, and wish I had made that decision as a young adult. But I didn’t have the courage to do that. I suppose the way I was treated affected my confidence and made me feel worthless.
The first time I stood up to her was when she had screamed at my then 12 year old daughter, for forgetting her PE kit for school. My son used to forget his most weeks, and she used to drive home to get it for him, all smiles and “there you are, silly”. My daughter looked like me as a teenager and my mother was proud that she had shouted at her stating “ I wiped the floor with her. She won’t do that again”. I therefore stopped my daughter going to her home without my or DH being there.

I disagree with this. My mother was absolutely horrible during her menopausal years and it was very depressing to live with.
I have often felt extremely irritable myself when my hormones have been out of sync.
However, I do have some self control, and if I have come across as moody, I am capable of explaining to my children that I’m sorry, I feel tired and awful and you’re not the reason I seem irritable.
I don’t think there’s any excuse for someone smashing the saucepans around in some wild rage because of their hormones or because they’ve had a tough day at work.

Obviously she has but what difference does that make? Is the mother not responsible for her own behavior?

I'm so so sorry this happened to you. This broke my heart to read. You deserved so much better xxx

Thank you all very much for your replies. It’s really interesting to hear other opinions. I know the menopause has a reoccurring theme here but this is something ALL mothers will go through. My friends mums were lovely and I’m forever grateful they allowed me to eat and stay at their homes. My mother’s anger was directed at us, she was a different person in company. So she could help it.

This weird belief that menopause drives women crazy is just ridiculous and scientifically unfounded. Im post menopausal and had no trouble with it and was able to kindly and competently parent my teenagers despite it.

In the US the idea that menopause is some major factor in a woman’s life leading her to become a dangerous and uncontrollable harridan or unable to work is simply unheard of. There is something very odd here, a kind of internalized misogyny combined with some meeping feminism that does us no favours.

I don't think anyone can 100% be held responsible for a sudden change in behaviour as a result of a breakdown or head injury.

It wasn’t ‘sudden’, it worsened.. and if it’s the result of a head injury or similar, the behaviour would be consistent. She was just vile to her daughters.

Thank you for writing this. The menopause is modern day hysteria is some people’s eyes that simply is not true. Menopause is absolutely no excuse for a mother to behave abusively to a teen daughter and it is a real shame that some (women of all people) are tying to claim that.