Mum turned nasty to me as a teen. Struggling to look after her now. AIBU?

[Bluecrocodile]

I have fond memories of my mother during my childhood, baking, beach days etc. until I turned 12/13. It coincided with my older sister 18/19 having a baby but in my mind that can’t be the reason. She turned absolutely vile overnight. Didn’t speak to me or look at me. Screamed at almost anything. Stopped buying any nice food or clothes for me. Tried to humiliate me in front of anyone, reading diary- spilling my secrets.. I was behaving. School was my lifeline so I was glad to be there. Passed GCSEs and A levels. Went to uni. I’m older now and I find it very difficult to forgive her behaviour. She was also vile to sister but treated baby very well. Dad was there, financially comfortable. I don’t understand why but wondered if anyone else had experienced this.

You absolutely can control throwing things at people. That is abusive behaviour and unacceptable.

You can't control the rage, the uncontrollable urge to scream and shout and sometimes throw things but you can absolutely choose to throw things into space instead of at people or find the self awareness to storm out of the room and scream into an empty room instead of at people. You can't control the rage but it's important to acknowledge you can control where you channel it because throwing things at people is not ok.

I've had those moments while going through IVF pumped full of insane levels of hormones and had artificial menopause inducted for endometriosis. I've woken up wailing and sobbing in the middle of the night and screamed the place down so I know the feelings you're talking about but it's really important people know that it's not out of their control to not assault people and it's not ok. Just like abusing children because of mental health struggles or menopause is not ok.

Yeah I don't mean ask her about treating you badly. I mean asking her what happened at the time and listening to her answer. It might help you to know what she thought was happening and open up an opportunity to tell her what happened from your perspective. Which she won't like obviously, I'm not suggesting it will heal the relationship.

Ultimately though I don't think people have a duty to look after parents who abused them but I do think these things are complex emotionally and that washing you hands of her will not necessarily do YOU any favours in the long run. So you can squash the angry feelings down and deal with them later or you can try to investigate them gently now using your mother as a means of information. Sometimes the other view helps you see what else was going on and it might help you understand a bit more. No excuses for the abuse and I'm not naive enough to think you'll get an apology or anything. It probably wouldn't be enough even if you did. But information/ clarity sometimes helps.

It's absolutely insane the amount of people here saying abusive behaviour is beyond your control during menopause. Get a fucking grip women. You are wholly responsible for your actions whatever your hormones are doing. The woman who physically assaulted her husband "because of the menopause" is a disgrace.

I should be clear this was once and it took me as much by surprise as it did my husband. I seriously could not control it, could not have predicted it, did not see it coming. Once I had calmed down and we talked about it, I stopped the HRT there and then by which I mean I removed the current patch and never used another. Before I experienced it, I thought the same as you and agree that its never ever acceptable but with the caveat that once unheralded is not the same as repeating ther behaviour even once more. I didn't go and find something to throw, it happened to be a tube of toothpaste that I was holding at the time.

Ransacking a teenagers bedrooms to find personal items, then waiting until you’ve got an audience to shout about said items… is not a little bit of uncontrollable rage.
Denying your teenager a haircut/decent clothes/ pocket money/period products whilst showering your grandchild with expensive toys is not menopausal.
Telling you daily how wonderful, smart, attractive, confident your friends are but never receiving any kind words yourself is not a mood swing.

It was absolutely within your control WHERE you threw it even if the urge to throw it came from nowhere. You could have thrown it on the floor or at the wall. You chose your husband as a target.

Completely agree it's not ok but I will say my mother was lovely when I was a little girl and doted on me and she turned into a right bitch when I was a teenager. She's ok now I'm an adult but I can't spend too long with her. I remember lots of screaming, shouting, throwing things and really nasty comments about my body. She says the menopause made her hate everyone and she really believed I was trying to be as difficult as possible to make her life hard. I'm sick of women saying they can't help being vile to everyone around them when they're menopausal/on their period/peri/insert stupid hormonal excuse here.

This is awful to read op. Sadly abuse takes many forms and without a doubt your mother was absolutely abusive growing up. Your father complicit if he didn't intervene.

Good to hear you've got a lovely family now to love and cherish.

You'll never 'right' this in your mind, no amount of excuses would exlain her terrible behaviour. Some people are just horrible by nature.

Keep your distance and put yourself first

Totally agree. There is a ever a 'reason' for abuse other than a nasty person with absolutely no self control.

Agree with this

It's easy to say "Oh I'd never do that", but mental health / menopause etc can have a huge impact

Those struggling with mh tend to have issues broadly. They don't target a young dc to bully and abuse whilst displaying normal behaviour with everybody else.

Exactly, can’t believe some people trying to justify this. Absolute nonsense.

I hope nobody pays much attention to this. Caring for someone who can't live independently any more or can but only with a lot of support is hard work in every way and it isn't always possible for an adult child to do it. In my family, for example, my parents chose to retire to a place that was a long way from both their adult children. Now that my mother is very frail and barely mobile the only practical solution to keep her safe and comfortable is for her to live in a nursing home near my brother. She has not been 'dumped' there. She has visitors virtually every day. My brother and I have not failed as adult children and my mother has told us both repeatedly how much she appreciates what we have done for her. It's not a great state of affairs, but that's largely because she's 93 and terminally ill.

It really is appalling. There is never any excuse for violence and abuse. Imagine if a man threw somnthing at his dp and said 'oh sorry I was having a testosterone surge'. Bollocks.

I’m wondering if this is what caused my own mother to suddenly turn on me. When I got to about 14, I was suddenly attracting a lot of attention and I clearly remember my mum saying ‘Nobody would be looking at you that way if they knew what a horrible person you are’.

Honestly I've read some stuff on mn but this is horrible. Our parents should be our number 1 fans. It is terrible what some endure

This 100%.
My first thought would be fuck you and toxic parent and fuck your money then drop them from my life. I've several toxic people out of my life, my life is good as I don't need to be thinking about them. anymore.

I'm not, my parents are skint. My mum told her dad to spend all his money before he dies and enjoy himself. (He and my nan go on lots of holidays.) I won't be leaving DS much either, unless you count nail polish. (Although there are collectors of old make up now, so assume there will be people doing the same in 50 years time.)

I have found it really helpful to read your posts because your experiences align so much with my own. I’m in my 40s. And it’s still deeply troubling to me my mums sudden change in behaviour although I can see that she and her siblings aren’t emotionally healthy and probably never were.

I have four daughters - I love them so much it would hurt me to ever say anything verbally abusive to them.

I have been there too OP. To give you a general idea, the last time she beat me up with objects and fists dragging me around the room on the floor was when I was 18, just before I left home to never return. That day I turned up to work with bruises on my face. She strangled me when I was about 11 for no particular reason, I still remember her nails digging into my neck as she squeezed it. She hit me with a metal bar (a handle from a mop) as I was holding out my forearms in front of me as a sort of shield. She bullied me, in particular once I hit teenage years, and encouraged my brother to join in. She read my diaries and, when I accidentally lost one and it was subsequently found by an adult who returned it promptly having realised it was mine, lied to me that that adult had read it and my life was about to implode as a result and watched me cry and sob in the kitchen for a while before telling the truth that the adult didn’t read my diary and just returned it. When I was around 3 years old and we were on the way to nursery, she smacked me in the face so hard my face was awash with blood. I remember her checkered hanky she gave me to catch the blood and clean myself. That’s just a few snippets.

People on here and most people in the world will not understand you (good for them!). Suggesting menopause as an explanation or an excuse can only come from a place of blissful ignorance.

I have tried to separate my childhood from my mother now, even just for the sake of my children so there’s a relationship. I have tried to view it that my childhood was one part of time and then now, my adult years and my children, is not to be viewed as a continuation. I tried not to think about the past around her. I have mostly managed to maintain contact and even took her on holidays and treated her.

However, as she’s getting older, I’m realising I will not be able to be her carer and will not want to invest financially either. I just don’t love her. I don’t trust her, don’t like her. I genuinely believe she’s a disappointment in every way. She’s a disappointing grandmother. Due to my parents’ neglect and abuse, my brother now requires care and she’s been very disappointing in that regard too. I won’t be able to give, because I can’t pour from an empty cup. My heart is void of emotion for her and my mind is void of desire to help.

In case you’re wondering, my father silently watched it all happen when we were kids, was an absent parent. Sometimes would tell her things about us instead of actually parenting/explaining something and that would result in violence from her as that’s her way to parent. He’s now crippled, living alone and it’s a waiting game now. I went no contact with him (he’d previously reach out a couple of times a year to tell me how he was). I don’t help financially.

do not Feel guilty whatever you decide. Life is not that complicated

I agree and it's balls anyway because anyone whose parent was abusive does not have straightforward feelings about any inheritance money anyway! This poster obviously had no experience of less than perfect parenting.

Awful to read, that type of abuse never leaves you.
You poor woman.

Agree with you, totally, about real life.

Write down all the shiity things she did and tell her to read it. Ignore tears or tantrums.

Even if she denies it all you may get some release from making her read it - or at least show her that you remember all the cruelty.

I'd have absolutely nothing to do with her so you're a better person than me.

Sounds like narcissism to me and I mean actual narcissism not the bandied about stuff people like to mention on here. I had the same with my narc mother, as soon as I started having my own opinions and thoughts and she could not control them she pretty much shoved me aside. Years of nastiness and spitefulness followed because far from being the 'loser' she tried to make me out to be to other people I have thrived in my life. I went NC with her a few years ago and my life got more peaceful.

Have a look at the Stately homes threads. Sadly many of us have mothers like this and it is nothing we have done.