Mum turned nasty to me as a teen. Struggling to look after her now. AIBU?

[Bluecrocodile]

I have fond memories of my mother during my childhood, baking, beach days etc. until I turned 12/13. It coincided with my older sister 18/19 having a baby but in my mind that can’t be the reason. She turned absolutely vile overnight. Didn’t speak to me or look at me. Screamed at almost anything. Stopped buying any nice food or clothes for me. Tried to humiliate me in front of anyone, reading diary- spilling my secrets.. I was behaving. School was my lifeline so I was glad to be there. Passed GCSEs and A levels. Went to uni. I’m older now and I find it very difficult to forgive her behaviour. She was also vile to sister but treated baby very well. Dad was there, financially comfortable. I don’t understand why but wondered if anyone else had experienced this.

I also immediately thought menopause. My mother was the same and I don’t recall her being like that when I was younger or small. It is not an excuse OP and you don’t have to forgive or forget, but context and explanation can be helpful to you.

Where does OP mention anything at all about inheritance?
OP you don't need to forgive her to come to terms with what she did to you. The best thing you can do is carry on in your own family life

This really resonated with me @Bluecrocodile- I’ve had an identical experience with my mother. My mum comes from a toxic, abusive environment where she and all of her siblings are various shades of cluster B as a result and none of them speak to each other. One of her brothers is the worst - he’s evil. I consider him dangerous - he tries to wreak havoc in the lives of others whilst he sits observing from the sidelines.

Anyway, I think the reason parents like this behave this way is that they love you only whilst you represent a version of themselves that they can live vicariously through. But the minute you don’t turn out the way they were hoping, they put you on the scrap heap.

This has nothing to do with you - the person they are really angry at is their own shitty parent(s). You become the dumping ground for their unresolved issues.

It would hurt me to treat my children the way my mum treated me. Something is wrong with her.

Was she the main carer for your sister's baby?

Ultimately I don't think it matters now why she became abusive. You don't need to forgive her and you don't owe her anything now.

OP have you ever asked her why she did it?

I think there’s a mid point here OP, where you give the level of care/ support/ contact that you’re comfortable with and no more.

So what are you happy to give? Ask yourself:

• how often you’d like to see her?
• how long would you like to stay?
• which tasks are you happy to do for her and which aren’t you happy to do.

There’s no need to tell her your decision- just start doing it. She might rage against your choices but 🤷‍♀️ what can she actually do?

You might need to think about these questions a lot. Plus you might need to speak to someone to work them out like a friend or counsellor.

I would say she was angry she had to be a mother from scratch again when it wasn't her choice. Honestly who really wants to raise their grandchild as their own.

You don't know this.

It's a boiling frog thing and you have no idea if you are doing it or not.

You won't know how you will behave until you get there. The idea that you will is naive.

What’s that got to do with this thread?

I had similar with mine and we have very little to do with each other now.

it was menopause related for sure as well as her own frustrations around life - having kids young, unhappy marriage, unfulfilled career etc.

understanding why can help you to know that it wasn’t your fault. Sadly my experience is that my mum would never admit to any of these things and prefers to treat others badly to maintain an image of herself. Whether you want to engage with yours is individual to you. If you don’t like her then why put yourself through it?

My sister didn’t want to be a parent, she was very vulnerable and was glaringly obvious she would be unable to cope. My mother wouldn’t allow a termination. Times were different then and my sister was completely and utterly coerced into the decision under religious beliefs. She then took the baby away from her and used as more leverage to abuse her.

She was nice to the baby and treated him/her well so how is that mental health issues when someone is perfectly able to treat some people well but not others because it’s pretty certain the mother didn’t treat anyone else except her daughter like this.

This is very familiar to me, lovely lovely mum when I was little, baking, walks, flower pressing making collages, matching summer dresses etc until I was the same age as you 12/13 when it all went a bit mad. Dad around, but working a lot, financially comfortable, she was hell on a stick. She said some unforgivable things that haunt me til this day. She continued being a pain in the arse until she was in her early seventies, when she became a lot less unreasonable for some reason. If asked about it she would deny it, be completely horrified and and offended at the suggestion and they cry for days, and ask why we didn't have the close relationship she'd always wanted.

It's nuts, I learned to arms length her and while she's mellowed out a lot now and is easier to spend time with I will never fully forgive her, or trust her for that matter because of what's come out of her mouth in the past.

You reap what you sow.

It was resentment that she had to bring another child up, bet you anything.

I find it odd that you went to finance, but remaining in a relationship that you don't want to be in with a parent for inheritance purposes only, is questionable behaviour.

Perimenopause for me led to burning rages, like PMT on speed. Because it happened recently, there was a lot of media about menopause and also HRT and it was pretty easy for me to access and made such a difference. I don't think this was the same even 20 years ago

So she coerced your sister into an awful situation and then resented it, and took her frustrations out on you even though she created her own problems.

accept it if I want a mother in my life or cut contact

So are you trying to decide which option to choose?

You clearly didn’t read that. She was nice to the other child. She was vile before he was born. She didn’t mind, she enjoyed the grandchild. And even if she did resent that situation, she didn’t need to abuse me in the most vile manner. We are not talking about snapping here due to tiredness. This was going out of her way to humiliate me. She gained pleasure in shouting out very personal things infront of an audience. Not giving me a penny to do activities with friends (very comfortable) then would gloat about the expensive things she bought the grandchild. Often spending in excess of what a toddler needs or wants. I was walking around like an orphan in ripped clothes, no haircuts, her and baby in designer. I didn’t want designer by the way, just some basics. She then asked me why I was so scruffy compared to friends. Went on work experience in clothes too small. Same outfit for 10 days in a professional setting. Her behaviour was too calculating and targeted to be menopausal or mentally unwell. I had to go to friends houses where I knew they had access to food so I could eat.

As a few people have mentioned inheritance. I’ve requested and ensured anything she has goes to my sisters children as she died young. I do not need any financial help. I have worked my ass off to ensure I never had to ask her for anything.

As I’ve already said. I will continue to care for her until the end. I’ve now got boundaries in place. It’s the emotional aspect I struggle with and wondered if anyone else experienced this

Mine did likewise. Went a bit haywire.
Family relationships can be complicated. And others can impact on how we are treated. Favouritism, jealousy can all pay a part. And make a child be treated differently to another.
Our parents own upbringing can have a part to play in how they raise theirs.
Not forgetting the menopause.

I am sorry you were treated so poorly.I think you are unusual to be able to care for her now and applaud you for that. Maybe time to put yourself first now though.I would not go out of your way for her and maybe look for some help as well

I think it is a huge mistake to have any contact with her.

It's sad but true that sometimes, awful people have children. Some of us have the misfortune of being those children. From what I've seen it seems not uncommon for some women who love have a baby to play with to turn on the child once they hit puberty. My own mother said to me, when I had my first child, that children are only fun up to 18 months and then they're really boring and you can't wait to get away from them. Funnily enough this seems to coincide with the age at which children start to say no.

She wasn't a good mother when I was a teenager. And then she left my father for someone else when I was an older teen, and seemed to get enormous enjoyment from taking every opportunity to make sure I knew that she had a boyfriend and I didn't, she was more attractive than me, men liked her better than me, and to make sure I knew about all the sex she was having. Barf. Porn on the desktop of the family computer, stockings and slutty underwear on the dryer in the kitchen in full view. Just barf barf barf.

You're not alone, and no, I haven't ever really forgiven her. We're not estranged but the relationship is barely there. I don't speak to her and hardly see her. Just messages, occasionally. I wouldn't look after her now. She used me as a support human when I was a child and I've got nothing left to give. I know she's angry about it.

But I have to prioritise my own well being.