Mum turned nasty to me as a teen. Struggling to look after her now. AIBU?

[Bluecrocodile]

I have fond memories of my mother during my childhood, baking, beach days etc. until I turned 12/13. It coincided with my older sister 18/19 having a baby but in my mind that can’t be the reason. She turned absolutely vile overnight. Didn’t speak to me or look at me. Screamed at almost anything. Stopped buying any nice food or clothes for me. Tried to humiliate me in front of anyone, reading diary- spilling my secrets.. I was behaving. School was my lifeline so I was glad to be there. Passed GCSEs and A levels. Went to uni. I’m older now and I find it very difficult to forgive her behaviour. She was also vile to sister but treated baby very well. Dad was there, financially comfortable. I don’t understand why but wondered if anyone else had experienced this.

I'm too young to have an idea what it's like. However, it is a mammoth hormonal shift, and many of us know what it's like when our hormones dictate our perceptions of lived experiences.

If it was menopause/head injury/breakdown she would have been vile to everybody. You cannot just switch that off in company. Hormonal rage is snappy and unpredictable. She would search my bedroom for diaries/personal items, wait until she had an audience and scream it out to them in my presence. Knowing full well how embarrassing it was. That’s pretty calculated. So much so I am too afraid to enter my teens bedrooms as I am so scarred by the situation. I would NEVER want the to feel that shame and humiliation.

There’s no excuse for how she treated you, or for how she has never had any accountability. I don’t think menopause or stress are reasons at all. She may have had psychiatric issues that weren’t identified but it was her responsibility to notice and seek help, and she never did. She used her power and position to abuse you. You really don’t owe her anything and shouldn’t feel that responsibility. If you choose to help her, that’s your choice and is a kind thing to do but she’s not earned that kindness at all.

You’ve been amazing to give a better family to your own children, that must feel healing in a way.

That's not what I said. The poster said she would never treat her children badly. My point was nobody knows how our lives will be impacted by mental health so she cannot say that for certain.

Hi OP

I have similar situation. Sister was the golden child and I was treated horrendously throughout childhood and onwards.

Once I had my own family unit I realise even more how dysfunctional it all was.

They are old now and considering their own mortality. But I have years and years and years of damage done to me and I can’t stand any suggestion that I have a responsibility to them now they are old.
They still live in my childhood home and I get traumatised if I ever return there. I can manage about an hour before I start feeling claustrophobic and like I’m losing oxygen.

I also resent any time I am forced to spend there as it takes me away from the family that actually do love me.

Hope you manage to navigate a way through it all - it’s hard

I had a very chaotic childhood, with my mother divorcing when i was 8 and remarrying several times- but I rolled with it until my brother left home when I was about 15- my Mum who had always been completely disinterested in my life suddenly wanted to micro manage everything and our relationship deteriorated a great deal.
She always said she wanted no help when she aged, but changed her mind once she hit around 75- when she got cancer towards the end she tried to guilt me into looking after her 24/7- I refused because the reason she wanted it was so there would be mnoney left for my brother to inherit, he went to live in the US 30 years ago, so never helped with anything.
We had never been close , she had always favoured my brother and never been interested in my life- there was no way I was going to look after her 24/7.
You have to decide early on what your limit is and stick to it, otherwise you are in for a world of hurt.

I've been told it can be particularly extreme for neurodivergent women and can almost be like a mental breakdown for some.

For others it's much more mild.

Don't dismiss this point as something that women can just control. It is a medical issue like depression - you can't necessarily just get over it.

I think for your own sense of closure, you need to tell what she did and how it made you feel.

Don’t let her sweep it under the carpet.

What kind of care are you providing? Can she afford carers?

I went through this with my father, OP. The reason he turned at that age is that he sensed he couldn't control us as easily, and that triggered his anxieties about the unsafe world and the choices we would make. His anxiety about our safety came out as severe anger. It was horrible. I recognise now that this was a mental health issue on his part and he does have OCD behaviours. I get on with him okay now as he settled down when we were older and he no longer felt responsible for us. Just an idea, in case it makes sense for you.

I think it’s very likely that my mother was UNHINGED (and frankly incredibly cruel ) during my teens due to the menopause combined with an unhappy marriage and broader MH issues. However, according to her she ‘sailed’ through the menopause and was ‘one of the lucky ones’. She also says that she was under the impression at the time that she was happily married (because my father was absent doing 70 hour weeks). So there is nowhere to go with that discussion! She doesn’t want to explore the reasons why she emotionally abused her teenagers.

It’s not any sort of excuse but some women do get pretty unpleasant during the menopause.

And, a new baby was thrown into the mix.

It’s up to you whether you help her or not now, but it’s also up to her whether she chooses to retaliate regarding any money/assets she leaves.

Thank you for writing this as I feel very similarly: I consider time spent with my mother time wasted that I could be spending with my ‘real’ loving family. We aren’t perfect by any means, but we love each other and try to do right by each other. Not so in my joyless childhood.

Some mothers become jealous of their teenage children (especially daughters) because they are readying themselves for adulthood - their children have all of these opportunities that they no longer have available, and this can trigger feelings of jealousy. Add to that, teens are more independent and some parents often prefer their children when they're younger and easier to control. Could any of this explain your mother's behaviour, OP?

I wrote this as I was interested to hear opinion of others who had been in similar situations. I am struggling with the emotional side of receiving dogs abuse during my teen years. I have not mentioned finances once. The finances are totally irrelevant. In fact I’m astonished at the mention of an elderly parent that’s what people jump on. I DONT CARE ABOUT MONEY. I have NEVER taken anything from her since around 12 when she threw it across the room (for sweets) in a rage.

My brother and I call this ‘the mask’. A seething, unhinged woman spitting venom at her children who then performs a dramatic shift when the doorbell rings to perform all social niceties with a massive warm smile.
Chilling.
Luckily she didn’t always bother with the ‘mask’ in front of other kids. So my best childhood friend saw her in action and recalls it to this day.

Just ignore the trolls, OP. I couldn’t give a shit what my mother does with her money when she dies - and clearly neither do you.
Money is about control for her and I can’t be controlled (any more).

Yes, exactly. She was totally different if for example our auntie visited. And being menopausal doesn’t give you the right to abuse/frighten or humiliate your children.

Hey op. Wanted to say this really resonates with mine and my sisters experiences of our mum. Over time we realised it wasn't us being teens that put her off us it was when we started thinking independently and questioned her. Again we were all very well behaved. Dad lived with us too. We don't talk about those years with our mum. Think she would deny most of it anyway. Said a few things to our dad and he says he didn't realise, but they're still together so can't really say too much to him.
I'm nearly 40 now. The relationship with my mum is damaged but not sure she knows that. None of her kids considers her a friend. Never been out to lunch with her or to the cinema etc. See her weekly with my dad. It's all very surface and pleasant. I've got 4 kids and I don't even leave them in a room with her let alone let her babysit. She's very critical of my parenting which is weird because I'm doing so much better than her.
I spent my entire teenage years wondering why I was alive and feeling worthless thanks to her.
I can't really move on. It's shaped me into who I am. I don't really want to talk with her about it as I don't want anything different from her now.
I don't know what I'll do if she goes after my dad and needs care. I don't think I'd be able to lovingly care for her.

Why is everyone blaming the menopause? The OP’s mum was just a horrible, nasty person, and took it out on a kid. I notice many women carry a lot of repressed rage and tend to take it out on younger women, jealously, misdirected rage.
I am sorry you endured what you did OP. I say this as a woman, but I feel women need to take ownership of their behaviour and not blame it on a biological process. It’s bullshit and reductive.

Sometimes you can have no or very little control over your MH or behaviour as a peri/menopausal women.

Some women have to be sectioned.

In the 'olden days' women used to take to their beds for the rest of their lives or go into an institution.

Hysterectomy (removal of hormones) is related to the word hysteria.

Not saying it was this, but hormonal changes can be brutal - like PND or PMDD also.

She made choices OP, she had control of herself. You have the evidence. Other posters blaming the menopause is nonsense, it’s a way of not taking responsibility for behaviour, feelings and emotions.

I think this is more likely what was going on.

Are you able to have a conversation with her to ask why she treated you the way she did? It might help you to get some closure if you understand it better.

Nobody is “entitled” to your support. It says a lot about you that you’ve made provision to care for your mum. You don’t need to feel beholden to her. We all make choices as adults and treating you so badly was to some extent a choice, menopause or not. Choices have consequences. She’s meeting hers now.

That sounds really awful and (worst of all) really confusing. I don't understand why so many posters are trying to jake excuses. Regardless of the cause, it was totally unacceptable.

I'm sure it was hard when your sister got pregnant, but your mum forced her to continue with pregnancy and birth, which is also inexcusable.

Did you ever speak to your sister about this time, before she died @Bluecrocodile ? How was your dad and are you getting him off the hook to easily?

You mentioned your auntie, is she still around and could she shed any light on what was going on?

The history of psychiatry is very misogynistic and medicine is basically the patriarchy with a prescription pad. Men could have their wives locked away so that they could move onto a younger model. Out of sight, out of mind. The children are grown up, he wants a new woman. Remember women had few rights many years ago, a man’s word would have overruled a woman. If she answered him back, got a bit lippy, then she would have been labelled as mad, hysterical and quickly dispensed with.