Mum turned nasty to me as a teen. Struggling to look after her now. AIBU?

[Bluecrocodile]

I have fond memories of my mother during my childhood, baking, beach days etc. until I turned 12/13. It coincided with my older sister 18/19 having a baby but in my mind that can’t be the reason. She turned absolutely vile overnight. Didn’t speak to me or look at me. Screamed at almost anything. Stopped buying any nice food or clothes for me. Tried to humiliate me in front of anyone, reading diary- spilling my secrets.. I was behaving. School was my lifeline so I was glad to be there. Passed GCSEs and A levels. Went to uni. I’m older now and I find it very difficult to forgive her behaviour. She was also vile to sister but treated baby very well. Dad was there, financially comfortable. I don’t understand why but wondered if anyone else had experienced this.

Sorry you experienced that. I have a watered down experience where my mum wasn't that bad but she did change or our relationship changed in my teens when I had my own opinions and want for privacy etc, she is very much a walk in the room even bathroom person. She had a hugely awful temper and I remember her hitting me a few times, it reached peak when inwas in my early 20s (thank god I lived 300 miles away during and after uni) but visits home would always be sabotaged by her and it was awful. Such a shouty person. It turned out to be a mix of a naturally short tempered woman, and menopause. She's not as shouty now she's older she's just an opinionated pain in the butt now.

My mum was and is jealous of me. This sounds nuts but she's a very small woman ie well under 5 foot and hates it. Im not tall but take after my dad's family so made a more average height and she hated it. I was a 'big girl' at 5 foot 3 and 8 stone according to her. She had a temper and once stabbed my sister with a fork, threw teddies out and got us up in the middle of the night to clean the house. I wonder if she was a drinker tbf. I know she was on anti depressants.

My mum was awful awful awful during menopause but it coupled with her being naturally short tempered. But as much as people say it isn't a factor, so many lived experiences show it is. It's not an excuse, but it can be a reaso . Obviously it's not an excuse to behave terribly and damage your relationship with your child, but it is something that can make people more short tempered, flustered, lack patience etc.

@Bluecrocodile also if she needs a package of care she can purchase that or the council can provide. Don't be getting dragged into making breakfast, showers etc or you'll never be free

With great respect, you do not know this. During menopause I ended up throwing things at my lovely husband due to using HRT. None of us know if this applies to your Mum or not and its your choice what you'd do now, but all the "I could nevers" in the world won't stop something you have no control over.

My experience is similar to yours in some ways, OP and I completely identify. In my early childhood memories my mum was lovely to me, but she became really verbally cruel to me when I reached around 10 years old. She was dealing with a disabled elder sibling and I think she took a lot of that out on me. I shudder when I think of some of the things she told me I was and of course I was only a kid, so I believed her.

To add: I looked after my mum as she aged because none of my siblings wanted anything to do with her. It was challenging at times.

I would put my money on menopause without HRT - assuming this happened in 90s. Similar happened to me. Women were told HRT would cause breast cancer and did the best with the info they had.
Looking back, I was living with someone mentally ill from around 8-18 and I don’t think that was an exaggeration. It was terribly stressful trying to anticipate mood swings etc and prevent arguments. A lot of pressure and stress put on me at a young age. I remember suffering horrible colds throughout my childhood and I am sure they were stress related.
Anyway I can kind of understand it now Im in my 40s myself but I have always been clear that I would take HRT and try to save my own kids the same.

I’m sorry to everyone who experienced this.

OP, have you asked your mum why she did what she did? It might help you get some closure.

Have you read into Narcissism? I know that word is thrown around very liberally on MN, used to describe every person who behaves like a dickhead. But I realised as an adult that my Mother is very likely a narcissist. She loved having babies, toddlers and young children - she could control them, manipulate them, they listen to her, looked up to her and she could make them do as they were told and told them how they thought/felt and they complied. As soon as we all hit teens she was just vile to us - desperate to control us, humiliate us to get us back in line, she hated us having friends and tried to ruin that for us, she deliberately dressed us in clothes that weren’t suitable so that we would get bullied at school and then laughed about it. She hit us, force fed us or starved us, depending on what mood she was in. I could write a book on the mean and selfish things that she did. Essentially she couldn’t cope with the lack of control over us (and we were all terrified teens who behaved at school, never had a detention, wouldn’t have dared answer back because we got hit, never came home a minute after our home time etc) but she couldn’t control our thoughts and feelings and we didn’t think the sun shone out of her any more. We didn’t love adore and respect her because she behaved so cruelly towards us and didn’t deserve it - yet she thought she was God and everyone should bow down to her every whim.

Reading up on narcissism and its effect on children, particularly daughters, really helped me to understand it and realise that none of it was my fault.

Im very low contact with her now. Unsurprisingly she acts like the sweet grandma to my young children when she sees once or twice a year. I would never provide care to her if elderly. And to the person who mentioned inheritance (that made me laugh) I wouldn’t accept a penny from her, I’d give it straight to a children’s charity.

@godmum56 you assaulted your husband. A medication didn’t make you do it.

My mother was the same. She kept me ‘ugly’ for as long as possible. Awful
clothes and haircuts so bad I cried. At 15 I realised I could fight to not allow her to touch me / my hair and I wore what I wanted and she detested me. Used to get photos of herself out and say she was thinner / prettier etc etc. she was hateful to me. She’s unwell now and my siblings have to do all the care and I won’t do anything at all. Don’t care about inheritance so they have not been able to blackmail me with that.

I think this is really interesting. I also experienced the being woken up in the middle of the night and made to clean the house thing.
Gen X/older millennial are probably first gens to experience living as a child with a mother going through menopause as a cohort. Assuming mums tended to have kids a bit younger in the past and kids would have usually flown the nest by that point or perhaps there would be significantly older siblings who could take a bit more of a parenting role.
Also our mothers were among first gen balancing work with real parenting pressures.
It would be interesting to see a psychological study on the impact and how that affects parenting choices today.

The menopause doesn’t make you abuse children while you have a normal functioning life in every other area. That’s not how it works.

Exactly !

I’ve had counselling and said this to my therapist and she said ‘no! Your mother had a choice . She chose to abuse you. There’s no excuse’ she then said to me imagine you’re peri/menopausal would you do the same to your dd? When I said no she said - ‘see no matter how awful you feel you wouldn’t do it. Your mother isn’t a good person ‘

What complete and utter crap!
It is no-one's duty to look after our elderly parent. We do not fail as adult children if we prioritise our own sanity and wellbeing.
Fuck the inheritance and there's nothing wrong with using care homes if you cannot cope physically or emotionally with an elderly parent, especially if they were abusive throughout your life!

A lot of people I know who grew up in the 70s/80s particularly had abusive parents to some level. Seems it was an era when sexism, racism and abuse (under the guise of discipline) was normalised.

Does she have mental capacity for you to ask her about what happened at that time from her perspective?

I doubt you will like or agree with her account but it might be useful to hear it, if that's possible.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

I’m not sure what advice I could give but my mum died when I was 19 and I’m still angry at her for some of the dreadful life choices she made that affect life now even 30 years later.

It’s ok to be angry and to dislike her. She abused you. Shes lucky you are looking after her. I wouldn’t.

She has capacity but she would deny it. She denies everything or bursts into tears and makes it about her. She doesn’t care and wouldn’t be interested.

It sounds like she was extremely psychologically threatened by having girls becoming women - competitors to her position- in the house, and maybe your sister’s giving birth did trigger some kind of reaction. Which is all kinds of fucked up of course. You don’t mention your dad much but he too failed you badly.
who was the father of your sisters baby? Is that a factor, eg was it a respected family friend?

I’m glad you are getting angry at how she treated you. You’re right - she treated you very badly.

menopause, new baby and jealousy are all mentioned here not to excuse her behaviour. We are on your side. It’s more to help you cope with what you went through. It’s entirely possible that she could hold it together for others but take it out on you. Meno, narcissism etc can all come out on the person they think will not fight back.

time now to focus on YOU OP and your loving family. If you don’t want to engage with her drop the rope and walk away from
her. Tell people ‘we don’t get on’ and repeat as needed.

Exactly. Surely a good specialised care home beats family care in the latter stages any day. There is a difference between never seeing the person and putting them in a home because that is the best standard of
care

What she did to you was horrific. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'd cut her out TBH.

Unfortunately in real life it doesn’t.