AIBU to think my friend should just accept I am marrying her ex?

[BePearlTiger]

I’m 35 and have been with my partner for 4 years. We actually met again completely by chance after many years of not seeing each other, hit it off, were messaging for a week or so and decided to go on a date and he asked to meet up for a coffee and a walk. Before we had even been on our first date, I told my friend that we had hit it off messaging and we’re going for coffee because I wanted to be upfront with her.

He had been her boyfriend at university when they were around 18–20. They were together for about 2 years. They broke up nearly 20 years ago and obviously people change enormously between 18 and 36.

When I told her, after a couple time of meeting him that we are officially seeing each other I specifically asked if she had a problem with it. She said no, so I took that at face value. I wasn’t sneaking around or getting into a relationship with her ex behind her back. I actually even told her before we’d been on the first date.

We’ve now been together for 4 years. We moved in together & he proposed earlier this year and I said yes. We’re very happy, are buying a house together and would like to have children. We have a wedding date set for next June, invitations have gone out and our university friends have been absolutely lovely about it , RSVPs, messages, people booking hotels etc. They’re genuinely excited for us.

When I told this particular friend about the engagement, she said, “Oh, are you going to marry my ex?” I reminded her that we’d been together for 4 years and that I had told her about us from the very beginning. She then said that she’d only said she had no problem with it because she didn’t think we would last.
That has really thrown me.

I completely understand that she might have complicated feelings about it. I’m not trying to tell her how she should feel. But at some point, surely you have to accept that this was a relationship from university when you were 18 years old?

It’s not as though they were together for 15 years, were engaged, had children or had some huge life together. They were university sweethearts for a couple of years, nearly 20 years ago. She has since married, had children and divorced. He and I have now built an actual adult life together over the last four years.

And honestly, I find it particularly difficult because I had exactly the reverse situation myself. One of my friends married someone I had dated at university. I was 18. They got together years later and eventually married and have children. I genuinely didn't have an issue with it. I thought, “We were teenagers at university, life moved on,” and I was happy for them.

So I’m struggling with why I’m apparently supposed to feel guilty now.

I also wonder whether this friendship may simply be worth losing if this is something she can’t move past. Obviously I’d rather not lose a friend, but I don’t think I can spend the rest of my life feeling that I’ve done something wrong by marrying my partner.

All our other university friends seem completely happy for us and are looking forward to the wedding. Nobody else seems to see this as some enormous betrayal.

AIBU to think she needs to let this go? I can understand her feeling upset, but I don’t think she gets a veto over a relationship that started nearly 20 years after theirs ended.

Or am I being completely insensitive about the fact that, regardless of how long ago it was, he will always be “her ex” to her?

Perfectly said!

I can’t believe you’re serious, how old are you, 15? It was a teen relationship years ago, not a lengthy marriage!

It sounds like the friend has completely lost the plot and is spiralling because she's unhappy with her own life at the moment.

Grossly unfair to take it out on the OP. OP hasn't done anything wrong.

At this point, I'd just tell her you're sorry she feels that way, you're going to take a step back from her for a while to give her some space and time to process her feelings which are completely out of the blue and unexpected and even unreasonable from where you're existing, and hopefully she'll come to her senses.

I think to continuously check in once the relationship develops tbh but that’s me, I tend to be more sensitive than others. I still think it’s weird to date a friends ex.

Oh sorry I edited my comment a bit.

I’ve said he was 20 years old at the time that he ended the relationship. I believe it is okay for anyone to end a relationship when they don’t want to be with someone. It is now over 15 years ago since they broke up he is 36, I told her before we met up for our first date. At that time I would have been fine if she said ‘oh that’s weird don’t do that’ because I did not know him now I we are engaged it’s an issue. Enough for her to say she did not mention anything because she did not think it would last.

It’s nothing to do with her “not being good enough” she was 20, he was 20, 20 year old boys end relationships because they want to go to Australia. That’s just that. He didn’t do anything to hurt her, he simply ended a relationship no one is obligated to stay in a relationship.

No OP you’ve repeatly said it was nearly 20 years ago.

You met your BF 11 years after they broke up then?

They were probably each others first loves….then ten years later this relationship happens.

The shock at her reaction is a bit OTT. There’s a reason why people don’t date friends exes.

People are acting as though it was a lengthy marriage? They were teens ??! No one seems to want to say what constitutes as first love. This wasn’t her first love, she’d been with someone else before that, I know this because I know her.

They were never married nor did they have any children. She married someone else and has children with someone else. I am not the reason for the breakdown of their relationship, he wanted to focus on his career, ambitions and be able to move to different countries and did not want a girlfriend that is okay surely he was 20, he hasn’t done anything wrong. Neither have I. I checked with her, and she was fine with it , she then recently said that at the time she didn’t care because she didn’t think we would last…but during that time she would say how happy she was for me etc…. That’s not normal is it? What a horrible thing to say to someone. I’ve always been very happy for her.

OP this is an easy problem to solve. Take a step back. For all kinds of reasons friendships sometimes run their course. Knowing she was on the sidelines at best willing your relationship to fizzle out and at worst pining and feeling resentment shows imho you can’t square this circle.

A stretch perhaps but can you trust her around your future husband when you’ve maybe had a row and she’s full of wine etc? Not to mention back room griping or bitching. Wish her well in your head and step back. If mutual friends say anything, don’t get drawn in anymore and be breezy (meaning don’t let it go round in circles or become a thing).

If she is hurting (entitled to how she feels but would repeat you and Fiance have done absolutely nothing wrong) distance might help her move on (and sorry to say get a fxxxing grip).

He’s marrying you so put all your time and energy into your life, wedding and marriage and see the rest as white noise/pantomime.

Continuously check in? Are you nuts? So what 6M down the line when OP has fallen in love she's supposed to end a relationship because her friend is jelly?
Or maybe 3 years?
Or maybe you think now they're engaged she should call it off? Perhaps check in when they've had their first baby just to be sure if this woman wants them to give the baby up? Just to be sure

It is a bit strange to say that the friend doesn't even know him, like he is a completely different person. Yes we all change from 18-20 to our 30's. But who we were hasn't disappeared, we've simply gained more life experiences and our past does shape who we are in our future.
I feel like op is downplaying the past relationship between her ex and friend for some reason. Relationships from years ago are something that people move on from, but that doesn't mean they weren't significant.

Last time I checked she has a bf before him. I don’t get what constitutes first love.

Either way she has since been married and has children. It is not as though I was the reason for the breakdown of a teen relationship or as though they were married and had children. I did tell her she and gave her the opportunity to say how she feels and she chose to lie and say was happy for me when deep down she apparently knew it wouldn’t last so now we are engaged it’s an issue ?

It is very strange. He is a completely different person to the person she knew it’s not as though they kept in touch, she doesn’t know him now, she knew him for 2 years. It’s time to get over it. If she wanted to she should have rekindled things he’s never been married.

She’s being ridiculous

From 20 years ago?? Really?

Agreed. Not even including fact OP went above/beyond before that first coffee, the ‘friend’ has kidded on all this time she was really happy.

+It’s 4 years in, and she opts to speak up now? OPs relationship is double the length hers was. It was 20 years ago.

OP it’s a nonsense. Delete her number, and get on with your life. I wouldn’t give it any more energy.

Oh and enjoy your lovely wedding when it comes.

You're not listening OP!!

As I've already said, a first boyfriend does not equal first love. You are being ridiculous to think that he couldn't have been her first love because he wasn't her first boyfriend. Some people might have 10 boyfriends but not have their first love until the 11th!

Nor can you state that he did not hurt her. He ended their relationship, you don't think she was hurt by that? He was the one that got away. People sometimes never truly get over that.

You are blind, narrow-minded and insensitive. I'm glad you're not my friend.

Your friend does not have to accept that you are marrying her ex, and that is her prerogative. Go live your life and stop all the drama.

You are coming across too immature to get married!!

You keep minimising the relationship they had. Having a boyfriend before him doesnt mean he was not her first love. You have no idea the extent of her feelings at that time. Or his. No matter what he tells you now. You keep saying he did nothing to hurt her, "he just broke up with her". And yes he was perfectly entitled to do that but that doesnt mean he didnt hurt her. Have you never been devastated after being dumped?

Your reaction to this seems very OTT. Did her saying she missed him make you feel threatened? This woman isn't really even a friend, shes an acquaintance. So stop getting worked up over it and enjoy your engagement.

I'm sorry but you lack emotional insight. If you are dumped by someone you love it absolutely feels like you aren't good enough. If he really loved her, maybe he'd reconnect after he got back, or wouldn't have left in the first place. Can you really not see that it would be very uncomfortable for her to spend time with someone who dumped her and likely saw her sobbing? That is very embarrassing for most people. Even if she have moved on, she'll realize when she she's him again that the last time they saw each other was when the dumping happened.

But if he ended it with you today, you wouldn’t think oh we weren’t married, we didn’t have kids and it was only 4 years. It doesn’t matter length and age they were together, you are putting your logic onto someone else and their emotions and it doesn’t work like that. She’s entitled to her feelings as you are yours. She said she was okay but obviously that’s changed and as you know people change as you keep saying your fiancé has changed.

No, I’m not nuts. I just think if the relationship is starting to develop, it’s good to share with the friend. Like I previously said, I think it’s odd to date a friend’s ex anyway, due to these complicated dynamics. I simply wouldn’t go there unless I was prepared to lose a friendship. It may not necessarily be jealousy either.

Also dating an ex is very different to marrying one I think!

Another case of OP not willing to listen to anyone else’s opinions! Why bother doing an AIBU?

You could definitely be a bit more sensitive, just because you weren’t bothered about the ex boyfriend your friend did it with, doesn’t mean the same would apply to her.

In any case, you can’t tell people how to feel just because you don’t like it.

It seems like Friend’s feelings have surprised her as actually she was more bothered when your relationship progressed than she thought she would be. She was probably taken by surprise when you asked so maybe didn’t have time to think about it. Or maybe she always felt a bit weird about it, but didn’t tell you as she thought you’d either have been scornful of her on the basis you thought their relationship was a long time ago or just ignore her.

You are coming across a bit smug / gloaty about the fact she’s gotten divorced too, which isn’t very nice.

Makes no difference if she married or not. Being with someone from 18-20 is a huge part of your young life. Yes, very clearly they were first loves. Like most first loves, the relationship ends and life moves on.

Except hers doesn’t totally move on because her friend is dating him!

You have to accept this was a committed relationship and they did once love each other. Yes it was a long time ago, but you seem super sensitive and are trying to downplay their relationship. Seriously, get over it.

Just as your friend has to accept and get over that you’re getting married.

Stop feigning shock at her reaction and maybe distract yourself with more pleasant things like wedding planning, rather trying to make a friend feel guilty and making yourself/relationship feel superior.

She obviously needs to accept it but she can also be a bit sad. I suspect she’s looking back fondly on their relationship since she’s now divorced. Is she in another relationship currently? How long has she been divorced? Was it difficult? Is she a nice personally generally? Is this out of character?

For a lot of people the relationships they have with people even in their teens are important but she said she was okay with it and whatever feelings she has, she’ll need to find a way to deal with them. I wonder if this is bigger for her due to the divorce.

Completely disagree with this poster and all the exclamation marks.

OP I’d love a friend like you. You were straight and honest when something might be starting and it turns out relied wrongly on what she said to you at the time.

Many get hurt by love interests, what’s not normal is still pining or smarting 20 years later. Your own reaction when one of your friends went with your ex much more chilled and imho measured response.

You don’t need to answer for her feelings two decades ago which she was responsible for assimilating and working through and you don’t need to justify his actions from then either. It’s ancient history.

At risk of repeating, draw a line, move forward and wish her well in your head but take a step back.