AIBU to think my friend should just accept I am marrying her ex?

[BePearlTiger]

I’m 35 and have been with my partner for 4 years. We actually met again completely by chance after many years of not seeing each other, hit it off, were messaging for a week or so and decided to go on a date and he asked to meet up for a coffee and a walk. Before we had even been on our first date, I told my friend that we had hit it off messaging and we’re going for coffee because I wanted to be upfront with her.

He had been her boyfriend at university when they were around 18–20. They were together for about 2 years. They broke up nearly 20 years ago and obviously people change enormously between 18 and 36.

When I told her, after a couple time of meeting him that we are officially seeing each other I specifically asked if she had a problem with it. She said no, so I took that at face value. I wasn’t sneaking around or getting into a relationship with her ex behind her back. I actually even told her before we’d been on the first date.

We’ve now been together for 4 years. We moved in together & he proposed earlier this year and I said yes. We’re very happy, are buying a house together and would like to have children. We have a wedding date set for next June, invitations have gone out and our university friends have been absolutely lovely about it , RSVPs, messages, people booking hotels etc. They’re genuinely excited for us.

When I told this particular friend about the engagement, she said, “Oh, are you going to marry my ex?” I reminded her that we’d been together for 4 years and that I had told her about us from the very beginning. She then said that she’d only said she had no problem with it because she didn’t think we would last.
That has really thrown me.

I completely understand that she might have complicated feelings about it. I’m not trying to tell her how she should feel. But at some point, surely you have to accept that this was a relationship from university when you were 18 years old?

It’s not as though they were together for 15 years, were engaged, had children or had some huge life together. They were university sweethearts for a couple of years, nearly 20 years ago. She has since married, had children and divorced. He and I have now built an actual adult life together over the last four years.

And honestly, I find it particularly difficult because I had exactly the reverse situation myself. One of my friends married someone I had dated at university. I was 18. They got together years later and eventually married and have children. I genuinely didn't have an issue with it. I thought, “We were teenagers at university, life moved on,” and I was happy for them.

So I’m struggling with why I’m apparently supposed to feel guilty now.

I also wonder whether this friendship may simply be worth losing if this is something she can’t move past. Obviously I’d rather not lose a friend, but I don’t think I can spend the rest of my life feeling that I’ve done something wrong by marrying my partner.

All our other university friends seem completely happy for us and are looking forward to the wedding. Nobody else seems to see this as some enormous betrayal.

AIBU to think she needs to let this go? I can understand her feeling upset, but I don’t think she gets a veto over a relationship that started nearly 20 years after theirs ended.

Or am I being completely insensitive about the fact that, regardless of how long ago it was, he will always be “her ex” to her?

No she hasn’t, we aren’t very close which is why I am confused why she has sent me big paragraph messages on WhatsApp. We know each other from university in a groups of 8 girls some will be closer that others, some see each other more often, 4 of them I babysit their kids for them from time to time etc but I’ve always liked her so this is confusing to me.

She's totally unreasonable to be sending you all the messages. Yes she's allowed to feel how she feels but honestly what does she want you to do- break up with him and she'll swoop in.

At this point I'd tell her she's entitled to feel how she does but you think it best that you back away from the friendship and I'd block her. Your not that close anyway.

I honestly genuinely think she was waiting and hoping for you 2 to break up and for them to get back together. It's very odd

Fair enough I am not sure what to do with that information.

I don’t think I’d have an issue if a friend started going out with my university boyfriend. But then I’m happily married and don’t care what my ex does.

Maybe she’s not quite happy with her own life and that’s why she’s reacting this way. In any case, it’s a her problem and you’re not doing anything wrong.

At the same time, she feels how she feels and there’s nothing you can do about it. I wouldn’t say anything to her, try to keep in touch, but if she doesn’t reciprocate there’s nothing you can do.

Unless there is a valid reason she feels like this (he hurt her, cheated, or abused her in some way or had some other history you are aware of) I can't see how its anything to do with her at all. Everyone is dating everyone at the Uni so it doesn't mean much, and 18 -20 is still a child as far as I'm concerned. Add that it has been over a decade since they were together and your friend sounds totally unhinged.

If she continues to be like this just phase her out. She probably still likes your partner and wants him for herself.

Although I voted YANBU, I then thought back to my first love when I was 18yrs old, and I'd be devastated if a friend got with him, despite us breaking up 28yrs ago.

If a friend got with my next boyfriend after that, I wouldn't be bothered. In fact, I cannot think of any other boyfriend where this would bother me, other than him, my first love.

She obviously had strong feelings at the time, which is why it is hurtful for her.

But I mean, live your life with him, you've built a life with him and you shouldn't let her feelings stop you now, maybe just be mindful though, don't rub your happiness in her face, and be prepared to lose the friendship.

I would think the opposite, in terms of being controlling. This women feels she owns this man for life and can declare him as off limits. I think she is being really petty

Whilst she doesn't have a say in your relationship she also doesn't have to like or accept it-thats her problem though not yours. I have an ex from over 11 years ago and one of my friends is now dating him and has been for just over a year..she announced her relationship in a group chat between friends put his pic on and I said oh that's my ex she said I know lol..she then proceeded within days to say they're discussing marriage and added him to the group chat despite some on there not knowing him..she also said at every mention of him that it simply must be awkward for me to see them in a relationship I stated plenty that it wasn't a problem. We split because he accused me of aborting his baby when I'd had a miscarriage. I did call her out because it felt like she was purposely trying to embarrass me in front of all our mutual friends. That's the only reason your friend would have to be pissed at you if you're purposely rubbing your relationship in her face for attention

Ah, well that's quite the drip feed. Might have been useful to put that in the OP

She asked her friend upfront and she said no.

Let her feel what she’s feeling but chose yourself. You gave her the chance to be honest, it’s unreasonable now you have built a life together for her to come
between you.

You don't have the same friend as me do you? Lol. One of my friends within a group of us is currently dating my ex but is also blatantly going after our friends daughters much older ex too..she's also hit on my current partner previously and he told her to piss off

Honestly in your replies you seem very defensive and rude, calling their two year relationship “child’s play” even though they were adults.

Sounds to me like it bothers you they were close and you’re trying to diminish it, hence why you are going to let the friendship “fizzle out” even though you “obviously like her” as you’re claiming.

She said one sentence - she did not think you would last and you have inferred a huge amount form that.
She may feel a bit off about it- he may have been her first boyfriend but she has not said that.
She ahs not asked you to feel guilty

What a load of drama you ave created out of one comment

I think you are both entitled to feel how you both feel. Many people believe that a friend's ex is out of bounds, others are not so strict about this. It is possible it was a 'first love' situation in which case it might sting more to have the ex 'around' as such with a friend. Either way, the friendship will be forever changed based on the friend's recent comments. Be happy you have found your future husband but understand that it makes your friend feel weird as in her mind, even historically, he was an intimate part of her story.

I've just read all of your updates, gosh, you come across really smug, like you're revelling in her upset. Just because he wasn't her first boyfriend, doesn't mean he wasn't her first love. My first love wasn't my first boyfriend either. They broke up because he chose to put his education first, she was probably devastated and left broken hearted for a long time over this. It's much easier to get over someone when they have wronged you.

You got with him 11yrs after they had broken up, you keep saying "almost 20yrs", to make it seem like it was so long ago, but the reality was they only broke up 15yrs ago and you got with him 11yrs after they broke up. She's also had a failed marriage, so will be looking back, reminiscing over past relationships, thinking "what could have been", no wonder she's upset.

Perhaps a little sensitivity wouldn't go amiss, instead of being so smug and joyful over her upset!

You've always liked her, yet 4 years ago you made a decision to go on a date with her ex.

To a lot of people, thats not an ok thing to do to a female friend.

You’re not being unreasonable. I met a friend of a friend who was in my life for about 2.5 years, and I was also friends with her ex, but through a separate social circle. They’d been together for 3 years but had been split up for 2 years by the time I came onto the scene.
I realised her ex and I genuinely got on as friends, so I asked her if she’d mind if we gave dating a go. She said she did mind, but he and I got on better than she and I did anyway, so I went ahead anyway. We’ve now been together for 12 years and married for 4.
You do you!

It’s not unreasonable of you to marry this guy, but I can see why she’s upset. Those first relationships are hard to recover from. I have a friend who would go batshit if one of her friends dated her ex from uni, because she never got over him. You can’t expect her to fall in line. Perhaps she will get over it in time, or your friendship will fizzle out. These things happen.

Fair enough everyone is different. My friend married my ex from when I was in my late teens, I was so happy for them even now happy enough that I baby sit their children from time to time. You don’t own people at all. If I was married to him and had children and divorced then yes that’s weird but that was not the case we were teens/ in early adulthood.

You have done nothing wrong, but you said of your friendship group... 'Nobody else seems to see this as some enormous betrayal.'

Well no, they wouldn't. He wasn't their boyfriend. Her feelings are valid, even if they mean you can no longer be friends.

This. I expect it's because she's divorced and is feeling lonely and is thinking back to this relationship and thinking what if. Maybe he was her first love and if he finished with her for him the relationship ended whereas for her it wasn't something she wanted. If she was still happily married she wouldn't be giving it a second thought.

You haven't done anything wrong OP. Have you invited her to the wedding?

You see, they had something special - fresh brainless uni love, young bodies, not 36-year old adults weighed down with plans, etc. She can't forget that, I doubt it is possible to forget it. If I were you, I would just distance myself from her, whether she wants this distance or not. Safer that way. And as my grandma said, 'erste Liebe rostet nicht', it is safer from that point of view, so that they would not be tempted to rekindle, etc. Just distance yourselves.

No I am not. I told her before we’d even met up for our first date. Now she says it’s because she didn’t think it would last…. Surely that’s not okay either. I thought we were friends maybe not the closest but enough so that I thought she’d either just be happy for me or be honest with me from the start before any attachments were made. I am not the reason they broke up, she’s since married and had children it’s time to just move on surely ?

What has she actually said to you OP? If she has said she will be uncomfortable at the wedding, if she has said she can't be happy for you, if she has got repeatedly upset, if she is saying things to imply you were a bad friend etc then I'd distance myself. But from your OP it seemed as though all she said was 'you're marrying my ex' and said at the outset she didn't think you'd last.

If that's all she has done then I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. When exs get married it can make you reconsider your own life , it might have made her think about the choices she's made etc especially if her marriage didn't work out. Unless she is banging on about it I'd let one comment slide

You are right to marry, but it's still painful for her. She wasn't good enough, you are, he's the one who got away. Or maybe she feels a bit betrayed. A minor point but you keeping saying it was 20 or nearly 20 years ago when the nearest round number in 15. That makes me wonder if you're a bit pron to exaggeration or bias.

That your other friends are happy for you is irrelevant, they weren't dating the groom. It could also be that she would feel awkward socially hanging out with him, even if she is 'over' him. I mean if someone dumped you and you started crying and he new you were heartbroken, lots of people wouldn't want to go to that person's house for dinner, etc, so it makes it harder to see you socially as well. Being dumped is one of the most exposed things you can experience in life.