Asked DP to leave over A-Levels comment to my DS

[JaneeeAmb]

It has been an incredibly stressful and upsetting day. DS18 unfortunately didn’t recieve the results he needed. Lots of tears from both of us. My DP of 2 years arrived home after work (he stays here every Thursday) and knew about the results. He didn’t offer DS any consolation. At dinner he asked him if his mates would be going out tonight, he said yes but that he didn’t feel up for joining them. DP then said ‘best thing for you tonight would be a few beers and finding yourself a local tart’.

I went mental at him, completely inappropriate. He doubled down so I asked him to leave, which he did. DS says he thinks I over reacted and says he wasn’t offended at all and he thinks he was just trying to lighten the mood.

I am now sat here wondering if I over reacted?

Nope don't be talked into it being a 'you' problem by the men. Comments like this are the thin end of a very thick wedge, suggesting he use a women/sex for his consolation, calling a women a tart, vague suggestions of paying for sex, or that there's a local woman just gagging for it that he can use. Nah this is gross and we are constantly talked into acceptance of this kind of shit, that's what keep the misogyny and the systems that allow violence and abuse against girls and women thriving. You've just seen it handed down from one generation to the next, forget your partner and speak to your son and explain to him why this should have been offensive and unacceptable to him

all these "just trying to lighten the mood" people?
Really???? I mean really?????

Maybe she was in tears watching her heartbroken child?? Everyone trying to make this about the OP crying because he didn't get certain results is making a serious leap. Yes we can put on a brave face but I would cry if my childs life has suddenly derailed and they were devastated.

I actually liked and agreed with your comment and don't think it should be taken too seriously once the stress of the day has passed for the OP.

My only rebuttle would be, yes, some men talk/joke crudely with each other - no issue with that. Although I don't think I will be alone for thinking that at the dinner table with the boys mother is not the place for it 😊
If that type of chat becomes misogynistic however, whether its in front of women or just men present, I don't agree that it's just men being men type of thing. The term DP used is absolutely misogynistic and I wouldnt be ok if my partner set that example to my son. Maybe just a follow up chat though rather than a boot out of the door 🤣

Maybe she was in tears watching her heartbroken child?? Everyone trying to make this about the OP crying because he didn't get certain results is making a serious leap. Yes we can put on a brave face but I would cry if my childs life has suddenly derailed and they were devastated.

But that's when you've got to step up as a parent and be the strong one surely. Help the ds to get some perspective and see they will get over it in time.

Shit joke, but I thought I was going to read that he'd called your son "stupid" or "thick" or something. Maybe it was because of this expectation, and yes it was a stupid thing to say, but you don't sound like you like him very much.

Did he mean have a snog?

ugh misogyny. I’m afraid I would break up with someone if they used the phrase “local tart”

YANBU

This.

this. Be gentle with your son who may not have wanted it to feel like it was his fault that your partner made that remark and he will be responsible if you split up which is why I said upthread to divide the two issues. BUT when your son is over his first shock of today then he needs to understand that this is not a right or appropriate comment. It should not have been in your partner's head to make that comment, let alone for it to come out of his mouth

OP, put that potty-mouth partner out of your head and focus on getting your ds a spot through clearing. The good places go quickly.

Your ds can search the UCAS or university website to check which courses are in clearing and the clearing grade boundaries. Don't assume your ds does not good enough grades for a certain course. The grade boundaries can come down, sometimes by quite a lot, on clearing.

Good luck to your ds. All is not lost. He might get onto an even better course/uni at clearing

Was he beamed through time from the 1970s, like from an episode of "On The Buses"?

At least he didn’t recommend anyone

I totally agree, and every time I scroll through MN I am so thankful I grew up in a different era, when people weren't oh so serious and mortally offended by every little thing.

It was a joke and he was trying to lighten the mood, end of. Your reaction was totally OTT and I agree that constantly crying over your son's results is ridiculous. It's your job to teach your kids resilience and how to cope, you falling to pieces is not that.

I think it shows a lack of maturity and emotional regulation. Surely you'd want your parent to be strong and level headed in this sort of situation?

Yeah, that’s downright awful. Poor kid.

I do agree with the thought that it was a blokey attempt at support that misfired. Still totally fine for you to ask him to leave - it was an emotional evening and he wasn't helping (no matter if you was you he offended more than your DS). Take a few days to decompress and help DS figure out next steps. Let DP work out how to redeem himself.

As a total aside (and I know you weren't asking this but speaking from experience...) an A Level flop is very much not the end of the world. DS can always retake them or figure out a different uni course, but don't let him settle for something he doesn't really want to do out of desperation.

You need to raise you bar.

Yeah, no. Any man who refers to a woman as a ‘tart’ would be leaving my house immediately. It’s gross misogynistic language that I don’t want my son to think is normal and ok.

Ok I live in the US and I don't understand why some parents are losing their mind about these grades. Won't the kids be able to do something else or retake a test. Two months of stress seems weird to me.

To be honest it sounds like your boyfriend has used women he considers "tarts" to cheer himself up.

You should not however have been crying about your son's disappointment, that's not your place, it's his loss, your job is to let him feel the sadness, not make it about you or make him feel worse.

Yeah, life was definitely better when people could be racist or misogynistic and "gay" was an acceptable insult.

FFS.

It depends why you got offended. It has nothing to do with your son and his exams, so his opinion about being offended or not doesn't really matter.

If you kicked him out for his sexists and misogynistic views then yes, you were right to ask him to leave. I wouldn't want that around my son. It would have been a good opportunity to have a chat with him about why you don't call teenage girls "tarts".

You must be a hundred years old, because we stopped laughing about women being tarts and sluts a very.long time ago

You overreacted.