Asked DP to leave over A-Levels comment to my DS

[JaneeeAmb]

It has been an incredibly stressful and upsetting day. DS18 unfortunately didn’t recieve the results he needed. Lots of tears from both of us. My DP of 2 years arrived home after work (he stays here every Thursday) and knew about the results. He didn’t offer DS any consolation. At dinner he asked him if his mates would be going out tonight, he said yes but that he didn’t feel up for joining them. DP then said ‘best thing for you tonight would be a few beers and finding yourself a local tart’.

I went mental at him, completely inappropriate. He doubled down so I asked him to leave, which he did. DS says he thinks I over reacted and says he wasn’t offended at all and he thinks he was just trying to lighten the mood.

I am now sat here wondering if I over reacted?

I’ve lost count of how many women I’ve told to go and use a man for sex.

Most people have used the phrase: the best way to get over a man, is to get underneath one.

I think it’s quite common to suggest having a one night stand.

I don’t think it makes someone a bad person or an indication of how they view the opposite sex.

And I don't think you over-reacted. Your P turns out to be a misogynistic knob.

Regardless of DS opinion, I wouldn’t be with any man who called women tarts.

Really?

You actually think it's OK your DP not only refers to women as tarts but is teaching your DS that this is acceptable.
And also encouraging him to think that the way to deal with disappointment is to get bevied.

If your DS thought you over reacted you should be worried that he has probably already spent too much time in this man's company and is taking on similar views.

For me it depends how it was said and his general manner.
If he’s the sort of man who would never speak like that or hold those sort of views; then it’s quite funny.
If he’s actually meant it, then it’s more problematic.

I would be disappointed that DS didn’t have an issue with the misogynistic comment

Did he appear on an episode of the Sweeney in the 1970s?
He sounds a bit thick. Certainly sexist and I'd have kicked off too.

I’m so glad that none of the male figures in my life would ever come out with such a comment.

She’s probably been crying because her son is upset. It’s tough when hopes are dashed and it can feel like the end of the world - when of course it isn’t. It’s difficult not to get upset as a parent when your child is distraught.

Its gross 🤢🤢 but I wouldnt kick the guy out for trying to be supportive to my son

I would tell him about himself though

Was he trying to make your DS laugh perhaps? The mood and crying and everything sounds very intense, it sounds like he just felt awkward and said something stupid.

There's a risk your DS will feel a whole lot worse about your now breakup and as if it is his fault. Personally I'd try to avoid that, even if you break up a bit later on.

It does sound like you got a bit over invested. Surely your job is to reassure your DS he will be okay. Also, can he get any papers re-marked if he was close. And look at clearing like others have said.

Wouldn't be too upset if your DS wasn't. Just a deliberately silly joke. Guess you're not well suited.

DP was talking about himself 🤣

But yeah said differently he could of just lightened the mood, but not like that!

What does “I went mental at him” look like? That would inform my vote on this.

Screaming/shouting, throwing things at him? Yes probably an overreaction. Telling him you won’t stand for shit like that in your home, not an overreaction.

"Sadly a lot of us men lack the ability to say the right thing".

I'm sorry, what bullshit is that? As if it's some sort of fucking evolutionary issue for this man to be a dick?

Any man describing women as tarts should be in the fucking bin. It's not 1950 any more.

I can't imagine why you'd continue with a man who made such a sexist and inappropriate comment to your son. Be responsible and demonstrate to your son that misogyny is a deal-breaker and you ( as his most significant role model) have higher standards.

@JaneeeAmb am sorry your ds didn’t get the results he needed. It is upsetting, but hopefully tomorrow he can start to think about next steps.

There's no definitive "overreacted" equation here: you are entitled to feel however you felt. If you thought it was gross and disgusting (as I do) and your ovaries have shrived up from now until eternity re. him then that is valid.

If it's NBD then that's a valid response too.

Sorry but I think this is quite amusing.
And let’s face it he doesn’t have the results a few beers and a local tart might sweeten the blow. It’s called a joke but these seem to be a thing of the past.

It was a bit gauche but it probably was an attempt to make DS laugh and cheer him up

Misogynistic men and women would probably be ok with what he said. For non misogynistic people it is pretty gross.

It is such a stressful time but it will sort itself out in due course. Try to help your DS keep perspective .

@JaneeeAmb
Are we still in the seventies then?
No one told me...

Stupid comment. But you overreacted.

I completely agree.

The misogyny of the comment would have bothered me, but it was kind of nice that he was trying to be supportive. I think a better way to respond would be to simply say very firmly that you won't have people talking about women in that way in your house thank you very much and then carried on with the evening. Although it's understandable you overreacted if you're stressed.