Asked DP to leave over A-Levels comment to my DS

[JaneeeAmb]

It has been an incredibly stressful and upsetting day. DS18 unfortunately didn’t recieve the results he needed. Lots of tears from both of us. My DP of 2 years arrived home after work (he stays here every Thursday) and knew about the results. He didn’t offer DS any consolation. At dinner he asked him if his mates would be going out tonight, he said yes but that he didn’t feel up for joining them. DP then said ‘best thing for you tonight would be a few beers and finding yourself a local tart’.

I went mental at him, completely inappropriate. He doubled down so I asked him to leave, which he did. DS says he thinks I over reacted and says he wasn’t offended at all and he thinks he was just trying to lighten the mood.

I am now sat here wondering if I over reacted?

Tbh, im getting pretty fed up of the men "lacking the ability to say the right thing" excuse.

Of course men can say the right thing. They just have to think the right thing first.

That's where the problem lies.

Christ. So he can’t show your feelings but he can advise a teenage lad to seek out a ‘tart’?
I’d say that’s showing his feelings pretty clearly, as is quite often the case with men claiming the disadvantage you mention.
Read the majority of posts here for a lesson in how a hell of a lot of men manage to overcome that inarticulacy in order to make damn certain theirs are the ‘feelings’ prioritised in a relationship.

Your son must have felt so awkward, that'll be why he's saying it's ok, he doesn't want to be involved in your relationship.

I wouldn't be attracted to the type of man who calls women 'tarts'.

This.

Have a few beers, a takeaway, watch a film etc. Not pick up a local tart!

If they were on their own, in a pub, it may be acceptable.But he said if in front of you. He basically said women can be used as some sort of fucking band aid. Yuck.

Yuk 🤮 I can't imagine my DH ever referring to any woman in that way but if he did, I'd never look at him in the same way again! The fact that he said it to your 18 year old son makes it even worse!

On a practical level, has your son looked for other courses through clearing? My youngest didn't get the grades he wanted but managed to get on a similar course at the Uni he wanted and had a great time. Reassure your son that he still has options 💐

I could never ever be with someone who described a woman as a tart, whether in jest or otherwise. Misogyny lies beneath such language, however much he denies it.

your Son is feeling bad enough over his grades, don't add his mum and partner arguing to his stress and guilt. It's just exams, your Son will be fine, he can re sit or decide to do something else. Your partner was trying to be matey, even though it was not justified, but am sure he will see the error of his ways.

@Naurrr I wouldn't be attracted to the type of man who calls women 'tarts'.

Bear in mind though that men hold such women in high regard!

A nice local tart? Is he actually for real, you absolutely did the right thing.

Go use a woman…that’s what he said. Go consume a woman to make yourself feel better. He absolutely sees women as objects. You did not overreact.

Misogynistic disrespect of women should be called out on every occasion .well done done op - and don’t back down.I would reconsider your relationship with your partner.On the other hand I do think he was trying to be helpful .

What a cock. Bin him.

YABU

He didn’t offer DS any consolation as he likely didn’t want to bring it up or make home feel worse.

Then he tried to encourage him to go out with his mates and lighten the mood by making an immature comment (probably trying to be boyish and banter with him).

It’s actually lovely to read about a mother putting their child first on here because usually the women on these threads put their partners above their kids, so well done you.
It’s actually made my day because you’re obviously a very good mum.

But I do think you took a lighthearted joke, intended to cheer DS up, way too serious.

You DS should have been offended. The fact that he wasn't doesn't reflect well on him. Would you doubt yourself if this comment was made about your (hypothetical) daughter? I should hope not.
The circumstances are largely irrelevant. It's the misogyny at the core of the comment that I find objectionable and wouldn't wanty child to perceived that this is "just a joke" and nothing to worry about.

It’s not about how he was treating your son that would bother me so much as he didn’t really do anything wrong. 2 years isn’t long if you don’t
live together and he probably felt a bit awkward and didn’t know what to say. But his comment is 🤮 and not a good example to set your son. I mean, it doesn’t even make sense (like women in 2026 are just waiting for a sad 18 year old to pop up and say ‘drop your knickers love.’ 😂 It’s grim. If he had immediately said ‘sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, it’s not even a word I would use.’ Then I would
have probably let it go. Get some sleep and see how you feel tomorrow. It’s not the end of the world for your son even though it feels like it right now, this is tiny in the grand scheme of life and totally fixable / changeable.

Would he often refer to women like that?

Lightening the mood by using a derogatory term for a woman- how amusing.

Exactly this!!!

It’s gone from DS being upset about his grades to now his mum splitting up with her DP.

He needs support right now, not extra stress.

I always remember my bad news would make my parents argue and not only would it completely take away from my bad news and sympathy but it also would make me dread getting any sort of bad news or feeling unwell etc as I knew how it would end.

This

I think listen to DS on this one.

The bigger issue is, why have you been crying all day about DS’s results, you are not modelling great behaviours either.

Away, he needs to go far away.

There's no way I'd be with a man who referred to women as "tarts" in such a derogatory way, and imply that they can be used to help a man get over his problems. Yuk. And you shouldn't want that kind of person spending time with and influencing your son.

If he had said go out and enjoy yourself then I think you would be overreacting but ‘find yourself a tart’ would make me chuck him out. He sounds like an idiot.

Yes you overreacted.