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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked DP to leave over A-Levels comment to my DS

130 replies

JaneeeAmb · 13/08/2026 21:55

It has been an incredibly stressful and upsetting day. DS18 unfortunately didn’t recieve the results he needed. Lots of tears from both of us. My DP of 2 years arrived home after work (he stays here every Thursday) and knew about the results. He didn’t offer DS any consolation. At dinner he asked him if his mates would be going out tonight, he said yes but that he didn’t feel up for joining them. DP then said ‘best thing for you tonight would be a few beers and finding yourself a local tart’.

I went mental at him, completely inappropriate. He doubled down so I asked him to leave, which he did. DS says he thinks I over reacted and says he wasn’t offended at all and he thinks he was just trying to lighten the mood.

I am now sat here wondering if I over reacted?

OP posts:
ThisBrightThing · 13/08/2026 22:50

I dont think you are being unreasonable, that was a disgusting comment to make about young girls to your young son. what kind of an example is that setting if you hadn't said anything?
Its not a joke, its not funny.
I wouldn't tolerate that sort of language around my DC.
Your son is probably minimising it saying its ok to not cause more of a fusss on an already stressful day.

godmum56 · 13/08/2026 22:52

All kinds of thoughts here. YOU were crying? how did that help?
I think your partner meant well
its not up to your son to judge your partner's reaction though, its up to you and I wouldn't want to be with someone who thought that "go out and find a tart" is ever appropriate.

I think you need to divide the two issues
Woman up a bit over your son's results. Crying is not helping him.
Decide what you want to do about your potty mouth partner. Do it but make clear to your son that this is not about him, its about you...and that's the same whether you let it go or end the relationship.

sweetchill · 13/08/2026 22:52

I don’t think you overreacted. You gave him a chance to correct, and a decent man who’d made that comment in a blokey way to be supportive to your son, when called out would be like ‘of course I shouldn’t have said local tart, I was just trying to pep him up’ or whatever. The fact he doubled down isn’t good at all. Does he usually speak about women like that?

cowasballerina · 13/08/2026 22:52

I wonder if the DP tells his workmates he's off to stay with his 'Thursday Tart'.

Lucyccfc68 · 13/08/2026 22:53

You should be more disappointed that your DS did have an issue with your DP calling women ‘tarts’. My DS would definitely have called out that kind of shitty language before I had chance to.

Terfarina · 13/08/2026 22:54

That is so terribly, terribly misogynistic. I could not tolerate a partner saying that, that would be a deal breaker for me.

CheeryOP · 13/08/2026 22:55

"Lots of tears from both of us" - were you in tears about DS exam results in front of DS?

Mingou · 13/08/2026 22:56

Sinkysocks · 13/08/2026 22:30

Go use a woman…that’s what he said. Go consume a woman to make yourself feel better. He absolutely sees women as objects. You did not overreact.

this. He's fucking disgusting and all the women here saying you over reacted need to take a good look at themselves.

MrsKeats · 13/08/2026 22:58

Redredrumdedrum · 13/08/2026 21:59

it was a joke

A joke should be funny. How is that funny?
What a horrible misogynist.

SunnyRedSnail · 13/08/2026 22:58

@JaneeeAmb not the best choice of words but he was trying to lighten the mood.

You could have just said "well maybe the beer bit" and laughed. Total over-reaction.

Lentilcakes · 13/08/2026 22:58

A local tart? The rest of it I get, go and be with your mates, but to say that sexist claptrap, no.

DragonsFurry · 13/08/2026 23:01

Ewww, what an utterly disgusting thing to say...did he mean prostitute? Or a local girl who is a bit easy? Either way, both show a totally warped view of women.

Movingonup313 · 13/08/2026 23:02

More people need to call this behaviour out - every time. Its not.a joke. Its enabling the patriarchy. Why didnt he say, "go take sexual advantage of a vulnerable felmale to overcome your stress and sadness "- thats what flipping the words around is saying. Sounds horrible doesnt.it.

Well done for calling this out.

Sorry for the stresses of the day - disappointing results at 18 do not indicate a life of.disappointment it opens up new doors and opportunities. A million other things he can do.

popdepop · 13/08/2026 23:03

ewww no. Your partner sounds younger than your son. Inappropriate as he’s teaching him bad coping mechanisms. It would completely give me the ick. It would also make me wonder how my partner would react should things not go to plan. I’d be out of there. I hope you and your son are ok. Things will work out

TubeScreamer · 13/08/2026 23:04

He sounds vile

notacooldad · 13/08/2026 23:06

His comment was dickish ofc, and sexist, but he was supportive in the way that male figures usually are on results day

Say what?
I dont recall any of the male figures in ds2 life saying anything so gross to ds2 when he failed the exam he wanted the most, not from his dad his uncle, his best friends dad anyone. In fact I haven't heard anyone talk like that in decades.

I dont think you over reacted at all to be honest. Your DP sounds uncouth.

Derbee · 13/08/2026 23:09

Any man who talked about girls and women like that would be a no from me. Yuck.

Inappropriate for you to be crying over your son’s alevel results. There are always options, even if things haven’t worked out as hoped. Much more helpful to be helping him see potential bigger picture than falling about crying all day over something that he’s already feeling shit about

Cluelessfirstimer · 13/08/2026 23:10

It was a gross comment but... yeah I think your DS is right. He was trying to lighten the mood and I can see where he was coming from with the type of comment he made.

I would have smacked him around the head for the local tart comment but wouldn't have chucked him out.

I thinkt he best thinf you can do is wake up tomorrow, put a big smile on and sit down with DS and go through options.

There are ALWAYS options

5pizzasaday · 13/08/2026 23:10

What outdated terminology, he could have at least said "the village bike".

Gateappreciation · 13/08/2026 23:12

What he said is not the best language to use, I agree, but he was just trying to lighten the mood. Mind you, ‘ going mental’ is not the best language to use nowadays either.

icingonmycupcake · 13/08/2026 23:13

Horribly misogynistic. And some are defending it as 'humour'? 🙄

I certainly wouldn't be hitching my wagon to such a 'prince'.

MarilynMerlot · 13/08/2026 23:14

Sorry, you were crying about your son’s results in front of your son?? 😮

Dp sounds hamfisted in the extreme but was clearly trying to lighten what sounds like a weirdly fraught atmosphere if you were weeping over the results as well.

Thundertoast · 13/08/2026 23:15

God, its so depressing reading comments on here from women who have clearly been so surrounded by unfunny misogynistic twitter from men their whole lives that they have been indoctrinated into believing this is normal just a bit misguided. There are loads of men who crawled out the swamp years ago who wouldnt ever think to make this kind of joke, but never being exposed to anyone decent really does keep the bar in hell doesnt it.

godmum56 · 13/08/2026 23:20

SunnyRedSnail · 13/08/2026 22:58

@JaneeeAmb not the best choice of words but he was trying to lighten the mood.

You could have just said "well maybe the beer bit" and laughed. Total over-reaction.

Edited

words tell us what is in other people's brains and what they believe is ok...In the old MN phrase "He has told you who he is"

Cluelessfirstimer · 13/08/2026 23:20

I also agree with some PP around the fact you were crying too.

While I can imagine it was upsetting I would have gone and cried in the loo then come out and comforted DS.

I know you meant well but crying in front of him honestly could only add to his stress/upset.

Try to get some sleep tonight and sit down with him tomorrow and come up with what's next