AIBU to report a racist and abusive date to his employer?

[freezeframe]

I don't want to be posting this, but here we go. I'm British born and raised, but my ethnicity is mixed. My father is white (English) and my mother is Asian (Japanese). I went on a date with a man who clearly seemed to be fixated on my background/ethnicity and petite-ness. I'm only 5'3 - but he had some crude things to say about Asians being 'petite' that I won't repeat. Without being too graphic, he clearly had seen a lot of Asian p**n and was very interested and fetishising people that looked like me. It was very uncomfortable to say the least.

When I decided to quickly end the date, I wanted to make it smooth and quick. However, he got uptight and agitated as he must have sensed my mood. I paid for my (one) drink (we were at a nice bar) and left. He said very loudly across the bar (as I was paying) and said I was: 'not a real J*p' and said I was: 'safe'. He then made eyes at the bartender whilst I was paying - implying I was crazy or something.

I quickly left - and I blocked him. I'm not afraid to say I cried all the way home. Looking back on it now, I should have just been angry. He then texted me from what I assume is his work phone (given the profile picture and logo) - and hurled further abuse at me. I screenshotted it, which was lucky - because about a minute after I did so, he deleted the message 'for everyone'. (This is a WhatsApp feature).

I feel so shaken, stressed and upset. AIBU to report him to his employer? Or just leave it? There's more he said and did during the date that I won't repeat.

Never has anyone felt the need to say they wouldn’t rape me because neither me nor them thought it was a remote possibility. It’s quite threatening - ‘oh don’t worry I’m not going to rape you’ really isn’t an appropriate thing to say.

Messages aside she can report him for the racism alone.

What do you think the police would do?

He racially abused her and he’s harassing her. Both are a crime. Hth

Definitely tell the police and his employer / there might be history of this kind of behaviour both know of.

It is NOT and would not be a ‘scummy’ thing to do.

If people don’t want the consequences of their behaviour to impact their employment then THEY SHOULDN’T DO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

Are you ok?

Have a word with him for racist behaviour?

Absolutely report him to his employer and the police.
no question!
what a scumbag

They can if he has sent it via a work phone and has displayed the company logo. At the very least
ot would be classed as gross misconduct.

Oh OP this is awful. I can see why you’re in 2 minds whether to report or not. I bet if you could guarantee he couldn’t find you, you’d report it in a heartbeat. To his work and the police.

From my work I know that this type of man will escalate and needs to be stopped.

BUT

I can see why you might not want to. Even doing the job I do, and knowing what I know, I’m not sure I’d be brave enough to report.

Good luck OP on whatever you decide.

And his admitting that he might choose to rape women of certain ethnicities. May be he has. May be reporting him will prevent him actually doing it. Or may be if he’s already an offender they will catch him - they may have DNA stored that he might match. He’s a predator. A racist predator.

I couldn’t disagree more.

Legality and morality are very different. If you do something that is not illegal but offends a 3rd party do you honestly think it is appropriate for them to tell your employer?

Where on earth does that end? Should I contact your employer if you vote for someone I don’t like? Should I tell them if you had one glass of wine too many?

This notion that people can become the morality police is absurd.

He used a work phone to commit at best abuse and worst a crime. If you can’t cope with the consequences then you shouldn’t act like that. The only person responsible for any fall out is him.

If I use my work phone to abuse someone I would be sacked.

Voting = a right to state your preference in terms of government.

What this man did is not comparable.

If I was his employer, I would want to know how my company was being represented. If he was using work property and he is sharing his work profile picture and company logo to be abusive, then this especially. This would be considered gross misconduct in any arena I have worked in.

Poor old Norman who can’t just be left alone to be racist, make crude sexual comments to Op and then harass her via a different number after she made it clear she didn’t want to hear from him. 🎻
Play silly games win silly prizes springs to mind!

This whole experience sounds terrifying. I would think report to the police, it's unlikely anything will happen based on this alone but he could already be on their radar or maybe this will help another women in future. I am not sure about the employer, they may just ignore it. It depends so much on the nature of the job, the culture of the place and his position. It might be worth a shot but I wouldn't get my hopes up. Good on you OP for trying to take some action, these people need to be called out.

If this was on a dating app surely you could report this to the site? I've never done OLD but please tell me there is some sort of screening process? If not people shouldn't be using these apps. Dating agencies in the past always had a behaviour standard as far as I know, has the online world abandoned that entirely?

I wouldn't report it yet (but would keep the screenshot in case) as I wouldn't want a guy like that to have any further excuse to be angry or obsessed by me.

If he made any further attempts to contact, however, I would at that point.

In my industry I would be dismissed for gross misconduct and reported to my regulatory body and possibly struck off.

So, yes, absolutely! Gobsmacked at some reactions here.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you OP