AIBU to report a racist and abusive date to his employer?

[freezeframe]

I don't want to be posting this, but here we go. I'm British born and raised, but my ethnicity is mixed. My father is white (English) and my mother is Asian (Japanese). I went on a date with a man who clearly seemed to be fixated on my background/ethnicity and petite-ness. I'm only 5'3 - but he had some crude things to say about Asians being 'petite' that I won't repeat. Without being too graphic, he clearly had seen a lot of Asian p**n and was very interested and fetishising people that looked like me. It was very uncomfortable to say the least.

When I decided to quickly end the date, I wanted to make it smooth and quick. However, he got uptight and agitated as he must have sensed my mood. I paid for my (one) drink (we were at a nice bar) and left. He said very loudly across the bar (as I was paying) and said I was: 'not a real J*p' and said I was: 'safe'. He then made eyes at the bartender whilst I was paying - implying I was crazy or something.

I quickly left - and I blocked him. I'm not afraid to say I cried all the way home. Looking back on it now, I should have just been angry. He then texted me from what I assume is his work phone (given the profile picture and logo) - and hurled further abuse at me. I screenshotted it, which was lucky - because about a minute after I did so, he deleted the message 'for everyone'. (This is a WhatsApp feature).

I feel so shaken, stressed and upset. AIBU to report him to his employer? Or just leave it? There's more he said and did during the date that I won't repeat.

What a fucking creep, I’m sorry OP. As former HR, I know they can absolutely do something if you report it (and it’s baked into most contracts for this reason). Please please also report to the police!

I'd also worry he'd take revenge on you OP, . I'm sorry.

Please contact the police, and I'm sorry you're having to even think about this.

My employer has a code of conduct detailing how work phones/laptops etc are used. This would DEFINITELY breach it. What an idiot.

I would take it to the police.

But I have to admit that I would be a bit scared to go to his employer. He already sounds like a psycho, I wouldn’t want to think about how much more horrible he’d become if he gets sacked because of what he’s said.

I’m a teacher and I would lose my job over something like this.
Absolutely report him.
I hope you are ok.

If this is his work phone and he works for an even halfway decent company then he’ll absolutely be in the shit and rightly so. We weren’t even allowed to swear on our work emails etc never mind hurling racist abuse.
Sorry this happened to you OP. 1 of my best friends is the same ethnic mix as you and she’s dealt with her fair share of fetishising and racism.

I'm so sorry you've had this piece of shit give you so much nastiness.

I'd take it to the Police because he sounds like he's got form.

Then I may approach his employers depending on what the Police say.

What an awful experience.

I think the right thing to do is report

but i probably wouldnt out of fear of repercussions

did you meet on a dating app? Report there too

Police first

employer second

and then you can tell them he is being investigated by police for a racial hate crime and harassment. they might not do much but you will have taken back some power over him. At the moment you feel he had the power to abuse you and won.

Some employees are required to uphold a high standard of behaviour both in and out of work (including on their online presence).

If he sent an abusive message on a work device then that is definitely a disciplinary matter. His employer would be interested even if not a company device as outside work can have reputational implications for them. We allow too many to behave badly with no consequences. YANBU.

I would report him to the police and his work place. For you, for future women.
He's just vile and the way he spoke to you on a very first date, pretty much immediately tells me this isn't the first time.

Am so so sorry this happened to you. Men like that need to drop off the face of the earth.

Edited, if my other half had sent something like this on his work computer/phone, he'd be sacked.

What a bellend @freezeframe , sorry you had this experience. I’d suggest reporting to police but they’re often pretty useless so I’d consider reporting to his employer as well, especially if he’s in a regulated profession or position of trust (you may not know). However if an employee at my place of work did that we’d be looking at disciplinary at least for use of company tech/reputational damage, and we’re not a regulated profession. You could also consider putting it on socials - even from an anonymous account.

People like him continue until they face consequences. You shouldn’t have to be scared and no-one else should be under any illusions about him either.

💯 report this to the police. Until you said work phone I thought there's very little an employer would do but I would strongly consider it also.

So sorry this happened to you. And tricky re you having a unique name. I think I would report and keep my LinkedIn profile private to contacts in not connected to if that’s an option? Ie hide your employer? Especially if you have to go into an office.

I would log it with 101 for sure & would also notify his work place.
hes using/abusing the work phone (with business logo/details) to abuse & intimidate you.
as an employer I’d want to know what kind of people I have working for me & whether they’re representative of my business & team.
he sounds unhinged, he could quite easily behave this way with colleagues/clients future dates etc.
im sorry this happened to you, its horrid x

What an awful experience and I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

If you report his behaviour to his employer someone in authority might have a word with him about his behaviour and why it's not on. However I would wait a week or two and then do it to take the heat out of the situation.

This is a 101 police matter

I am so sorry this happened, definitely report him to the Police and his employer! His behaviour was absolutely disgusting! Look after yourself lovely x

What an awful experience. I think it might depend on the employer, if he works for a big corporate type then I expect they’d take it very seriously, if it’s small like a trade or an independent business then maybe less so.

I’d bd inclined to notify the police as well, this probably isn’t an isolated incident.

What a revolting, pathetic man. Please report him to the police and his employer. Do you have friends who can support you?

They can. A lot of contracts have a clause about not bringing the company into disrepute. It isn't possible to abuse it by persecuting staff for personal, subjective morals but for racism and sexism: yes. Covered under the Equality Act.

If that clause isn't in, there is 'implied trust' which I would seek legal advice on if I were an employer. Could be used to get him out. I'd want rid of someone like that. And even just a chat would hopefully worry this guy and make him think twice.

I would report to the police. He may be a serial idiot and may have done this type of thing before. The Police may be aware of him already so I would definitely call 101 to log what has happened. I would probably wait to see what the Police suggest before you contact his employer. You could antagonise him further and potentially put yourself at risk of further abuse from him. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Absolutely, as others have said. Police and also employer. He's not safe. Also let the OLD platform know.