AIBU to report a racist and abusive date to his employer?

[freezeframe]

I don't want to be posting this, but here we go. I'm British born and raised, but my ethnicity is mixed. My father is white (English) and my mother is Asian (Japanese). I went on a date with a man who clearly seemed to be fixated on my background/ethnicity and petite-ness. I'm only 5'3 - but he had some crude things to say about Asians being 'petite' that I won't repeat. Without being too graphic, he clearly had seen a lot of Asian p**n and was very interested and fetishising people that looked like me. It was very uncomfortable to say the least.

When I decided to quickly end the date, I wanted to make it smooth and quick. However, he got uptight and agitated as he must have sensed my mood. I paid for my (one) drink (we were at a nice bar) and left. He said very loudly across the bar (as I was paying) and said I was: 'not a real J*p' and said I was: 'safe'. He then made eyes at the bartender whilst I was paying - implying I was crazy or something.

I quickly left - and I blocked him. I'm not afraid to say I cried all the way home. Looking back on it now, I should have just been angry. He then texted me from what I assume is his work phone (given the profile picture and logo) - and hurled further abuse at me. I screenshotted it, which was lucky - because about a minute after I did so, he deleted the message 'for everyone'. (This is a WhatsApp feature).

I feel so shaken, stressed and upset. AIBU to report him to his employer? Or just leave it? There's more he said and did during the date that I won't repeat.

You poor thing. I’m not usually a “go to their employer” person, but this is so disturbing and awful that I would in your position.

What an arsehole. I hope you’re okay. 💐

I mean what you’re describing is racist abuse and harrasment from a work phone, if you’re confident he can’t track you down in real life I’d contact his employer and also the police. I don’t think it’s a bar that would enable them to take action but he very much so sounds like a repeat offender.

I’m sorry this happened to you, but I doubt his employer could do much about the way he acted on a date outside of his work time - they can’t discipline employees based on being douchebags on their own time….

It entirely depends on what he does for a living

What do you really expect the employer to do? It is none of there business, sure if anyone can point out something in HR laws i am not aware of great

Yanbu you can also report him to the police.

Yes, this is true! Think I assumed if he was a teacher or something it would have been mentioned but that would make a difference

They might have a policy about the reasonable use of the work phone. We’re allowed to use ours for a degree of personal use, but I doubt they’d take it well if we used it to racially abuse someone.

I’m so sorry this happened to you.
he chose to message you from a work number, so report him, so long as he doesn’t know where you work or live x

Some people‘s contracts say that they should not do anything to bring the company into disrepute. I would have thought this qualifies?

edited to add how sorry I am that this happened to you OP! What an awful experience. Sending you a big hug!

They might if he used his work phone.

With logos visible though?

He said (from his work phone) that he 'wouldn't r**e me' and reiterated that I was 'safe' (which is what he said in the bar).

I'm scared he could track me down. He doesn't know my full name or where exactly I work (but knows what industry), by given my background, my name is quite unique. I have deactivated my LinkedIn for now.

Yes, yes they can. They can be fired for bringing the company into disrepute.

I would go to the police lovey. Such language is threatening and he’s harassing you.

They probably can if he’s using work tech/a work number and arguably bringing his employer into disrepute by using it to racially abuse someone; and if he has a job contract or professional obligations where his general conduct outside work can be brought into question as to his suitability for the role.

@freezeframe Police and employer should be informed if you feel up to it and feel safe. Nobody is under any obligation to protect a creepy, misogynist racist because it might affect his job.

Yes report to his employer. Mine would absolutely act on this kind behaviour. As work property was used they should be able to do something. I’m sorry you had this experience .

Report to the Police and to his employer for his racist abuse
How disgusting of him, sorry you had to deal with this OP
Ive had many a man make gross fetishising comments too, really off putting and upsetting

I would absolutely lose my job if I did anything like that. Work time or no.

it does depend on what he does for a living. If he’s a builder on site you may get a different reaction to someone in the legal profession, for example.

i think I would be inclined to make a police report. You’re scared, you’re taking steps to make sure he can’t find you, so this would likely fall into a hate crime.

as an aside, I don’t think 5’3 is particularly petite 🤣. It’s bang on average. I’m that height and I reckon I meet as many people taller than me as I do shorter.

Obviously it’s awful and given the context of the rest of the night, totally abusive but I don’t think a single text saying “I won’t rape you, you’re safe with me” or similar would qualify as racial abuse or even abuse taken alone out of context

What a horrible experience. Nasty little man. I would definitely report him to his employer for bringing the company into disrepute and also the police for racism and threats. Do you have good people around you?

Check your contract. I think you’ll find it likely has a clause that allows them to fire you for this. Most UK employment contracts allow companies to fire people for gross misconduct which racist behaviour and harassment often falls under. Or it could say:

• “Conduct outside work that brings the organisation into disrepute”
• “Behaviour inconsistent with company values”
• “Harassment or discriminatory behaviour”

@freezeframe just wanted to add that I am so sorry this has happened to you. I am Asian, and know what it’s like to be fetishised by these sorts of disgusting creeps. It’s completely de-humanising, not to mention frightening. Take care, and do what you need to do to keep safe x

Are you for real?He's used a work phone to racially abuse and harass someone.

Of course they'll do something. My employer would sack him immediately.

Yes OP report him

He is a danger to others

His employer needs to know , as presumably he doesn’t work in isolation and is therefore a danger to the others he works with.

Report to the police also. It could help future (or past) victims if a case against him needs building.

sorry this happened to you OP 😢

Be strong 💪