AIBU to report a racist and abusive date to his employer?

[freezeframe]

I don't want to be posting this, but here we go. I'm British born and raised, but my ethnicity is mixed. My father is white (English) and my mother is Asian (Japanese). I went on a date with a man who clearly seemed to be fixated on my background/ethnicity and petite-ness. I'm only 5'3 - but he had some crude things to say about Asians being 'petite' that I won't repeat. Without being too graphic, he clearly had seen a lot of Asian p**n and was very interested and fetishising people that looked like me. It was very uncomfortable to say the least.

When I decided to quickly end the date, I wanted to make it smooth and quick. However, he got uptight and agitated as he must have sensed my mood. I paid for my (one) drink (we were at a nice bar) and left. He said very loudly across the bar (as I was paying) and said I was: 'not a real J*p' and said I was: 'safe'. He then made eyes at the bartender whilst I was paying - implying I was crazy or something.

I quickly left - and I blocked him. I'm not afraid to say I cried all the way home. Looking back on it now, I should have just been angry. He then texted me from what I assume is his work phone (given the profile picture and logo) - and hurled further abuse at me. I screenshotted it, which was lucky - because about a minute after I did so, he deleted the message 'for everyone'. (This is a WhatsApp feature).

I feel so shaken, stressed and upset. AIBU to report him to his employer? Or just leave it? There's more he said and did during the date that I won't repeat.

This!

Of course you report him to his job. Look at all the tiktok accounts calling out these vile men. Sorry this happened to you pet. Ring them tomorrow. I reported someone only 3 weeks ago x

OP wrote:

He said (from his work phone) that he 'wouldn't rape me' and reiterated that I was 'safe' (which is what he said in the bar).

I think that ought to be drawn to the police's attention. And given it is from his work phone, perhaps his employers would like to be aware.

Well that would be a pretty insane response to a bad date

Police report first, if you’re up to it. No judgement if you’re not tho. Be kind to yourself for a few days. He’s clearly an abusive bastard and I’m glad that you got away safely tonight.

If he works in a public facing post, there's plenty that his employer can do.

I normally would say leave it, but this is really disturbing. I'd feel duty bound to say something. This is abnormal behaviour. I'm so sorry, OP.

Eh? Report him to his employer for going on a date that ended badly? What a bizarre overreaction to a man being a creep. I mean, give it a go if you like, I guarantee nothing - and I do mean absolutely nothing - will happen.

Edit to add - sorry I see you have a screenshot of him actually threatening assault. In that case I'd go to the police. Apologies for not reading properly.

Report him every where. The reason he deleted his message was that he realised he fucked up and that you could take him down professionally, so he knows what he messaged to you was wrong.

Go for it.

Work, police, the works.

You have the power to save the next woman from this fucking freak.

When you report it to the employer, make sure you include whatever evidence you've got that he was using his work phone to send the messages.

It would absolutely be enough to be considered gross misconduct where i work. Particularly off a work phone.

It's possible he's seen your linkedin or could possibly find out your workplace as you said bc of your name/industry. I would proceed carefully and think twice about reporting. Anyway to verify his workplace/employer before you decide to report or not?

I’d be DELIGHTED by the thought he could lose his job over this. He deserves it.

OP you must report him both to his employer and the police, and do leave his number unblocked to give him the chance to send more messages and dig himself into a deeper hole.

Firstly depends on what he does for a living, secondly the fact that he uses his work phone is definitely inappropriate and against company policy. Even if he deletes it they still have access to the messages. Sone industries e.g. banking have regulatory requirements to retain every communication from the official phones for a set duration of time eg 3 years.

It's not guaranteed that they will do anything but I would still report it. He's a misogynistic jerk.

I am so sorry. That is awful. I hope you managed to get some sleep. So frightening. I’m so angry on your behalf.

Im really sorry to be blunt, but it sounds like he is saying that if you had a different racial profile he would r**e you. That is extremely scary. Even if it’s him saying the words but wouldn’t follow through on that, the fact that he feels able to say it, is frightening and threatening.

I am really sorry, but I think you need to take this to the police.

Also speak to a domestic violence charity to think through how to keep your self as safe as possible. And tell people you trust in real life, especially those who can be around quickly.

You might feel some post trauma stress. Look after your physical body as best you can. Eat regularly and keep drinking. Watch soothing things.

sending you love and strength.

I am surprised you don’t think it sounds that bad. I see it differently.

At best he is reassuring her that he won’t r**e her. That means he sees it as a possibility. Which means may be if she had a different racial profile he might.

That in itself is enough to report to the police.

He is also guilty of racism. And of harassment.

He needs to be reported. May be he is already a serial R**t of women of certain ethnicity or may be he is testing the water. See how far he can go and is on the beginning of his journey as a criminal. Either way the police need his name in their system.

Careful is right. But if women keep quiet because of fear, men will keep being violent, aggressive and threatening towards us. Im
not saying she should report. It has to be her choice. But abuse thrives in secrecy. Shining a light on it has the best chance of eradicating it.

This needs to be reported to the police. It’s a police matter.

If you feel he’s committed a criminal offence and you want that addressing then contact the police and hand the matter over to them.

To even consider contacting his employer is a really scummy thing to do. I’d be embarrassed to suggest such a thing. Jobs that require DBS clearance etc will soon find out if he receives a criminal record anyway. Anything else really isn’t your concern.

Think this though, if the police decide there has been no criminal offence committed, why do you think you suddenly become the moral authority? If you contact his employer your only intention for doing so is for him to lose his job. If that happens are you going to contact his next employer too? You will soon be charged with harassment and rightly so.

If you only intend to contact his current employer then that shows you to be vindictive and inconsistent which isn’t a good look.

I’m not defending his actions but there is a right and wrong way to deal with matters.

I believe that poster meant she’d not want to get him fired because he seems so dangerous.

Obviously going to his employer is going to antagonise him and I’m not sure that’s the best advice to give.

I think OP should start with reporting to the dating site and police and asking their advice on reporting to his workplace.

I’d consider a Claire’s law request first to see if he has a history and then report to the police - as it’s likely it may get taken more seriously then?

so you think racially and sexually harassing a woman who didn’t want to see you again, then using your work phone to do the same once she had blocked him is acceptable?
the ethics and conduct policy I must adhere to would definitely class his behaviour as gross misconduct
every organisation I’ve worked for is really hardcore on this sort of reputational damage potential

You can’t request a disclosure in these circumstances
the police you report to would action a disclosure, they have all the information already

That is really disgusting behaviour, I'm so sorry and no wonder you cried. I think his conduct is disgusting and should definitely be reported to the police. It's a bit more tricky with the employer, nobody wants a person with these views and behaviours working for them, he will have colleagues who will experience this but you may not feel safe approaching them and that's fine too. He absolutely used a work device, with a professional logo on it, which, in most industries, is gross misconduct. Do you know what he did for a living?
Your safety is not a trivial thing and men like this survive on knowing you will fear them and won't take action so they can keep on doing this unchecked, so make sure you tell the police (if you report) and your employer (regardless) that he may know where you work from your LinkedIn and may contact/visit and you don't want that. If you don't live with a family/housemate you could invite a friend to stay for a few days while you think this through and decide how you want to handle it.

If you met him on a dating site, report him there and to the police if you believe his actions amount to a criminal offense.

I agree that he is an asshole, but i cant see how messaging soneone you've just been on a failed date with that you are safe and they won't rape you, is a police matter? What crime has been committed?

If he used his work phone/account/company logo his work can definitely to something. If you met him on an app I would report there too.