AIBU to report a racist and abusive date to his employer?

[freezeframe]

I don't want to be posting this, but here we go. I'm British born and raised, but my ethnicity is mixed. My father is white (English) and my mother is Asian (Japanese). I went on a date with a man who clearly seemed to be fixated on my background/ethnicity and petite-ness. I'm only 5'3 - but he had some crude things to say about Asians being 'petite' that I won't repeat. Without being too graphic, he clearly had seen a lot of Asian p**n and was very interested and fetishising people that looked like me. It was very uncomfortable to say the least.

When I decided to quickly end the date, I wanted to make it smooth and quick. However, he got uptight and agitated as he must have sensed my mood. I paid for my (one) drink (we were at a nice bar) and left. He said very loudly across the bar (as I was paying) and said I was: 'not a real J*p' and said I was: 'safe'. He then made eyes at the bartender whilst I was paying - implying I was crazy or something.

I quickly left - and I blocked him. I'm not afraid to say I cried all the way home. Looking back on it now, I should have just been angry. He then texted me from what I assume is his work phone (given the profile picture and logo) - and hurled further abuse at me. I screenshotted it, which was lucky - because about a minute after I did so, he deleted the message 'for everyone'. (This is a WhatsApp feature).

I feel so shaken, stressed and upset. AIBU to report him to his employer? Or just leave it? There's more he said and did during the date that I won't repeat.

Police, police, police. Report him to his employer, too.

This man is deranged.

I’m sorry this happened to you.

Report him.

Report to police and his work. Sorry this happened to you. None of us deserve this shit.

Go to the police. If you want, report it to his employer after that, letting them know you have gone to the police.

They can when he's using his work phone to facilitate his abusive behaviour.....

He sounds awful, I’m not surprised you felt shaken by this.

I agree you should report him to the police for harassment.

Unfortunately his actual message from his work phone could in isolation be interpreted as him attempting to reassure you.

He 'wouldn't r**e me' and reiterated that I was 'safe'

I would ask the police’s advice on what to tell his employer.

Sorry this happened to you. 💐

Report him to his employer and to the police. That all sounds absolutely awful I’m sorry you had to experience it.

I am so sorry this happened - it sounds horrendous and very frightening.

Unless you can prove it’s a wok phone there’s not much an employer can do.

But you should report him to the police.

Absolutely I'd report him and if that's his work phone then his employer can certainly discipline him. I'd track down his mum too, but I'm evil ; )

It is indeed shorter than average. I’m that height, and don’t know anyone shorter than me 😂

@Lmnop22 many employment contracts have provisions included so as to cover bad behaviour outside of the workforce. If he has in fact used his work mobile to send what is racist and threatening comms then I’d be very surprised if it didn’t amount to gross misconduct. I’d report to police given the racist and sexual threats

Please report him. I am sorry that his repugnant behaviour upset you, I would've felt the same. He has to know that there are consequences.

Please go to the police. Crying after this makes total sense. Its a very distressing incident.

No wonder you cried, but you got away from him and you kept yourself safe. He sounds vile and i also think you should report to police and employer. He sounds racist and misogynistic. What kind of man is so crude that he would write i wont r@*e you, youre safe. I totally disagree with those who said this could be seen as him "reassuring you", along with abuse?? Like heck!

Think about this carefully and point it out to police and employer , a man who intended you no harm would not be introducing the idea of sexual violence into a conversation or using that word. He did this to destabilise and intimidate. It shows his ill intent quite clearly, wanting your mind to consider what he is capable of.

An ordinary, safe man after a date would not be sending abuse and would instead be saying sorry if i offended you.

You did not deserve or do anything to cause this. I hope you can get some support from someone you trust. You may also find it helpful to speak to womens aid after this frightening experience. Taking action will help you feel less disempowered.

I’m sorry you had that experience. Can you report him to the dating app/website you met him on.

report to the police especially if you feel unsafe

Yanbu!

A similar story seems to be posted over and over again.

We’ve had it with a teacher going on about how cute a female Japanese pupil was, then someone’s son standing up for a ‘cute’ Japanese girl and now this.

All I can advise you to do OP is search for the threads unless they’ve been deleted and you might get some advice from them.

I’m sorry this has happened to you. You should absolutely report him to the police. I doubt they’ll do much, but at least there will be an official record in case he contacts you again.

I wouldn’t report him to his employer. He’s absolutely the kind of scum who deserves to be punished, but he also seems like the kind of obsessive asshole who would try to track you down if he lost his job because of you. Just for your own safety I’d live it alone and hope he goes away. But definitely report him to the police.

Well this all really hinges on what the abuse was tbat he messaged you with!

So sorry, OP. What a horrible experience for you.
My feeling is yes, go to the police and the employer. If one of my colleagues sent these messages from a work phone they'd be subjected to immediate disciplinary proceedings.
But stay safe too. The police may be able to advise.
💐

Sounds like you had a lucky escape. The fact he deleted the message means he's probably panicking and/or wishes he hadn't written it.

I'm often very pro outing people for certain behaviour but if he's a complete scumbag then his employer will find out in their own time. Only time I'd consider it is if they worked in emergency services or teacher etc. You may find yourself having to be more involved if you bring his work into it as they may want you to do various things on record. Id probably just want to forget it and warn other women about him.

It is their business if he’s in uniform in his profile photo and it’s a work phone.

If he texted that from a work phone absolutely report him.

I’m so sorry you had to deal with such a massive pr1ck.

Agree - is it illegal or just being an arsehole. Unfortunately we'd have a very low workforce in this country if we sacked everyone for being an arsehole.