AIBU to report a racist and abusive date to his employer?

[freezeframe]

I don't want to be posting this, but here we go. I'm British born and raised, but my ethnicity is mixed. My father is white (English) and my mother is Asian (Japanese). I went on a date with a man who clearly seemed to be fixated on my background/ethnicity and petite-ness. I'm only 5'3 - but he had some crude things to say about Asians being 'petite' that I won't repeat. Without being too graphic, he clearly had seen a lot of Asian p**n and was very interested and fetishising people that looked like me. It was very uncomfortable to say the least.

When I decided to quickly end the date, I wanted to make it smooth and quick. However, he got uptight and agitated as he must have sensed my mood. I paid for my (one) drink (we were at a nice bar) and left. He said very loudly across the bar (as I was paying) and said I was: 'not a real J*p' and said I was: 'safe'. He then made eyes at the bartender whilst I was paying - implying I was crazy or something.

I quickly left - and I blocked him. I'm not afraid to say I cried all the way home. Looking back on it now, I should have just been angry. He then texted me from what I assume is his work phone (given the profile picture and logo) - and hurled further abuse at me. I screenshotted it, which was lucky - because about a minute after I did so, he deleted the message 'for everyone'. (This is a WhatsApp feature).

I feel so shaken, stressed and upset. AIBU to report him to his employer? Or just leave it? There's more he said and did during the date that I won't repeat.

Exactly this. Racially abusing someone outside of work via a work phone using sexually explicit language can easily be gross misconduct.

I absolutely would given that he's deliberately used work equipment to abuse you. I'd actual report to employer as well as police.

And op do not be hard on yourself for feeling upset and not angry immediately. That's an upsetting thing to have happen and anger is usually a secondary emotion that channels fear or hurt so the fact it took a moment for you to get there is completely normal and human.

I'm sorry he was so awful towards you. You didn't deserve that experience and you have every right to react however you see fit.

Did he text anything else other than this? Because if not, and this is the only comment you have in print, he could easily explain the comment away by providing context to fit the narrative. Is the r**e, rape?

But if he used his employer-supplied phone to do it, as the OP thinks possible, then there could be consequences. Depends on the employer I suppose - mine would certainly take a very dim view of it.

I'd report him to the police as well as his employer

@freezeframe Report.

We should report every incel till the stink reaches everyone and everyone is aware

and then we’ll get a posse together, tie them to lampposts and tar and feather them. Hang boards round their necks saying ‘threatened rape’. It’s not slander if it actually fucking happened.

we need to go all handmaids tale on them. I’ve had enough of this shit.

Absolutely report to the police and employer, I was the investigating manager in a similar case at work. Member of the public reported homophobic videos posted while wearing a work uniform. The person was dismissed for bringing company under disrepute and not adhering to company values of inclusivity.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I would report the scumbag to his employer and maybe even file a police report as this may be part of a bigger picture.

Maybe report it to 101. You can't be the first woman of mixed heritage he has done this to.

I’m so sorry you went through this, it sounds absolutely awful.

I definitely wouldn’t block him as he may send more messages that you can screenshot.

Currently, what he sent you doesn’t sound that bad so I’m not sure an employer would take it very seriously.

However, any further messages you do get I would definitely screenshot and not only go to the employer but potentially the police too.

I would be contacting the dating site for sure.

I think if he targeted you because you was mixed race then I’d contact the police and log it as a non emergency anyway.

Do you have his full name?
It would be interesting to do a Claire’s law and see if there is a pattern and then you can definitely report it to the police.

I’m so sorry it sounds so scary 💐

@freezeframe

Oh my poor, poor you
You go the police first and report this incident
Then you enquire whilst there about letting his employers know
My guess is if you go to his employers first
They more than likely won't do anything
So speak to the police first
After you've made your report

I’d report to the police. Absolutely disgusting behaviour. Given his work logo is on the texts I assume the police would inform his employer?

This would be my concern.

I think he could talk himself out of it and OP could potentially be making him more angry and not get any outcome from the employer.

I think I’d rather report to the police and dating site.

If it was from a work phone then they certainly can. Especially if there was anything that identifies the company such as their logo.

I think this is a police matter. They will likely contact his employer. I doubt this is the first time or the last he will do this to someone so you must say something. So sorry this happened

Ignore most of the posters on here who clearly have no idea what they are talking about in respect of HR. He's used his corporate device to message you so his employer should be very interested in hearing about this. Even if he hadn't, and depending on his role (eg in a regulated role of some kind) his employer will likely be interested. Don't hesitate to make contact with them and share your evidence.

Not when he's using his work phone and their logo. Then it is absolutely everything to do with them.

OP if I were you, I'd 'delete' that awful person from my life and move on. He's not worth your time and your nerves.

I hope they'd investigate before sacking.

But yes, my employer woukd want to know, especially on work equipment.

I am so sorry to hear you have been so horribly abused by this nasty creep, good for you for making a sharp exit. Whether you decide to report to his employer or not I think police should be your first port of call - employer will take your report more seriously if already registered with them and if he does harass you in any other way you can tell him police have been told of his behaviour and that might act as a deterrent.

Surely it their problem if he is using his work phone hurling abuse at women. He is bringing the company into disrepute.

I’d phone the police non-emergency no and just report the racial abuse. Let them decide what to do.

This guy sounds dangerous, I wouldn’t want to be responsible for making him loose his job.

If you feel safe to do so I would definitely report him to his work place and the police. Even if you just call them for advice. He is a vile person and an absolute weirdo. Men need to stop getting away with stuff like this. ❤️

What a disgusting man and I’m sorry for your experience OP, I’d report to the police but no doubt nothing will be done!