To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

[PapaSteel]

I've been with my partner for 8 years and we have dc together, he has a son from his previous relationship. He's 15 and not his bio son but he's been in his life since he was young and he sees him as his dad

Alot happened when we got together as his ex would tell SS that DP didn't want to see him anymore now he was dating me which wasn't true at all. She was physically & verbally abusive towards him and he's been living with us since he was 13 (after he told school about howHe has a lot of trauma and anger which school are supportive about and outside of school he gets help on how to manage the anger and he is a lot better than he was but the anger is still there so we are just patient with him

We're currently on holiday with my sister and her 2 dc and have been here since Monday. There was issues almost straight away as ss got angry at the claw machine but he and dp left the arcade and went for a walk to calm down as the arcade was busy so there was no way he'd have been able to calm down whilst in the arcade. My sister described him as a tantrumming toddler who didn't get his own way and said partner wasn't doing him any favours. I ignored her

He loves drawing and usually if you ask he will show what he's drawing but earlier he was at the table drawing and my niece (10) kept asking what he was drawing. He told her but she kept saying “show me show me” despite him saying no, she pulled his sketch book away from him which caused him to shout at her and she “accidentally” spilt her water on it. He was clearly very angry/upset and walked off to go to his room and she followed him and called him a baby, asked if he was going to cry etc, and he turned round and hit her and now he's being made out to be the bad guy

During this my sister was out with her other dc, my dp was in the shower and I was telling her multiple times to leave him alone and do something else even when she was repeatedly telling him to show her his drawing and she ignored me

My sister is now back and furious, she said she doesn't want her children to share a space with a “violent man”, and has even mentioned going to the police and social services on us if we're happy to have him around our children as he's not related to us when asked where he should go she just replied care

AIBU to think she's overreacting? I know SS shouldn't have hit her and he knows this too but she hasn't apologised for her part in deliberatly winding him up and sister says she doesn't need to as she's a child and he's nearly an adult

Male hits female, but she needs to apologise for winding him up??!! She sounds badly behaved too, but that is no excuse for violence.

I'm team DSIS.

If you weren't capable of caring for the group of dc adequately then you should never have agreed to look after them!

You get up and stand in-between them if you need to. Use a stern voice. Call their parents if you need to.

I'm astonished you don't see your role here!

If he behaves like this to 10 year old in front of an adult

Imagine him alone.

Imagine him with a teen girl. Alone. Who pisses him off.

There are so many threads like this popping up.

There was one about a 20 year old son yesterday.

There's an amazing bloke online who shows people how to beat the claw game! Perhaps the arcade are the real villains

She was pestering him.
Wouldn't take no for an answer
Damaged his stuff.
Then, when he walked away, she followed him jeering and taunting him.

I think that actually is quite a lot.

so she was asking for it, right?

Sounds like this angry boy is always on the edge; you’ve got used to tiptoeing around him and you’re expecting everyone else to do the same.

I’d not have my children near him either.

I don’t think protecting a child from being struck by a boy five years her senior and assumedly much, much stronger is a waste of police time personally. I made no comments about the nieces behaviour and will continue not to as that’s not what OP actually asked. She asked if her sister was overreacting and I don’t think she is. Her parenting if her child is a separate issue. I thought a woman in the shop earlier was extremely rude to me, she was argumentative, provocative and aggressive. However, she didn’t lay a finger on me and therefore I am not allowed to hit her as that would be illegal. She didn’t do anything illegal, it’s not necessarily fair but it’s the law. And I don’t think reporting illegal things is a waste of time. Would I ring the police over this? No. It doesn’t change the facts though.

None of these things even come close to being mitigating factors.

Maybe she was even wearing a top that said hit me

🤣🤣

He did this IN FRONT OF AN ADULT

How the hell would he respond if alone with a teen girl who annoyed him

It sounds like this girl knew he was volatile and tried to get a reaction. There was absolutely no need for her to follow him and deliberately taunt him.

They are not adults and this is not comparable to a domestic abuse situation. He didn't punch her in the face ; she's not injured. She got a shove, having repeatedly wound up this boy, who is a victim of childhood abuse himself and who tried really hard to get away from her. People are talking about him like he's a 35 year old, drunken wifebeater! Massive overreaction. They are both children - 15 year olds (esp those who've experienced trauma and abuse) don't always have the skill and maturity to manage their reactions. He's trying but he isn't there yet.

The mother of the 10 year old really needs to stress to her child that in the real world, she can't say and do whatever she likes, however rude and aggressive and expect for everyone else to not react because she's a girl. In the real world, she will meet people who very much will react.

There's wrong on both sides but your sister is not overreacting, although I'd not be so cruel to say he should go into care I'd react very much the same way except the police would have been called I'd have not just threatened it. Regardless of your niece acting like a brat, a 15 year old should know better even with anger issues than to hit a child. I would in your sisters position be keeping my children away from him even if it meant keeping them from you and cousins too at least until his anger issues have been sorted out properly, whatever is being done at the moment clearly isn't enough for him to control his anger enough to not hit children. Sorry OP but he's going to be a grown adult very soon it needs to be sorted.

“He got angry at the claw machine”

15 years old means he has a lot of the power and strength of a grown man, coupled with his poor impulse control, inability to deal appropriately with his own responses and low bar for “getting angry” I wouldn’t want him near my 10year old child either.

Yes. What if his girlfriend annoys him by saying no to him…

Exactly

He did this to a 10 yr old in front of an adult

now just think of him alone, with a teen girl who he fancies but she says “no, not interested”

Absolutely. I totally would have slapped her at 15. Wouldn't now because Im an adult but by god, Id be tempted if I had to put up with that.

He didn't shout in her face. She grabbed his book and he shouted at her to stop it, not in her face. She then ‘accidentally’ spilt her water on his book to ruin his drawings. She was stood over him and he was sat at the table. He didn't have a tantrum. He walked away to try and get out of the situation and she was making comments like “are you gonna cry” and called him a cry baby

I've said multiple times he's getting help for his anger both at school and outside of school and therapy for all he's gone through.

He apologised after he got angry at the arcades too, he had spent most of his money trying to get a specific thing despite us trying to tell him to do something else and dp saying he would find it online but he was fixated with winning that one and when he got close but it fell he got angry. He wasn't aggressive he was just angry and upset and he went for a walk to calm down as it was also very busy and hot in the arcade which wasn't ideal

Expected more replies calling the niece 'vile' and 'abusive' tbf. This is Mumsnet after all. Though there is the complication of the violence coming from a stepson and again, well, Mumsnet. Step children can do no wrong.

The niece behaved like a 10 year old and the stepson behaved like a normal teen, until he hit her. Trauma should never excuse bad behaviour and violence. Mine didn't. Not that I have it in me anyway. Funny that.

He obviously needs therapy and as soon as possible, the minute a damaged male thinks his trauma excuses violence towards anyone more vulnerable than him, then the jig is up.

The amount of what I assume are women and mothers of girls themselves, excusing this and calling the niece 'vile' and 'abusive' is unsettling. Though the topless sunbathing thread also unsettled me earlier. The amount of internalised hate women carry for other women (and girls) carries my breath away sometimes.

The niece is not 'vile' or 'abusive'. She behaved badly. But his behaviour was worse.
In this instance I would not have her apologise. He needs to learn, and fast, that nothing excuses violence. Especially towards someone more vulnerable than you. You need to teach him this @PapaSteel you will do him no favours excusing it in anyway.

You can very easily live a life of being round people who do not react like this. There’s really no need for anyone to think that this is just a part of life you must suffer. You can happily just cut contact/avoid anyone who apparently needs special dispensation like this.

One life, make it easy for yourself. This boy will likely be damaged for life. No one needs to stick around to be part of his learning moments, least of all women and girls.

The victim blaming and internal misogyny on here is shocking at the moment.

And if she saw how easily he was wound up, it was tempting. I wonder how many times during the trip he's thrown a wobbly over something minor.

I think some people lack critical thinking skills. Some of the women commenting on here would be shocked if someone who is most likely at least a foot taller and 3-4 stone heavier than them gave them a thump because they were being obnoxious and goading. Imagine you went around hitting everyone that was rude to you even though you are biologically larger and stronger (and should have more impulse control) than them. My god my children tormented their older siblings. They were taught to walk away, not whack them. And of course the OP is going to really emphasise EVERY SINGLE THING the neice did, she isn’t going to play it down is she? But people just don’t seem to be able to think about stuff like that. It reminds me of those friends that tell you you’re always right 😂 I would rather someone tell me the truth.

In an ideal world he would be able to control his anger but all through his childhood he was abused by his mum which is a big factor in all this due to the trauma he went through. That isn't an excuse but it's not clear cut as a teen boy with absolutely no trauma at all getting angry and hitting. To a PP asking It was more of a hit/push on the shoulder not a punch or anything

It doesn't matter if he was abused by his mum. It's terrible for him.

but in no reality is a 15 year old boy hitting a 10 year old girl acceptable.

And the way you're equating their behaviour being equally worse, and minimising the assault here, is awful.

If i were your sister, yes, i'd be seeking to minimise contact until he's worked through his problems or isn't present. it's as simple as that.