To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

[PapaSteel]

I've been with my partner for 8 years and we have dc together, he has a son from his previous relationship. He's 15 and not his bio son but he's been in his life since he was young and he sees him as his dad

Alot happened when we got together as his ex would tell SS that DP didn't want to see him anymore now he was dating me which wasn't true at all. She was physically & verbally abusive towards him and he's been living with us since he was 13 (after he told school about howHe has a lot of trauma and anger which school are supportive about and outside of school he gets help on how to manage the anger and he is a lot better than he was but the anger is still there so we are just patient with him

We're currently on holiday with my sister and her 2 dc and have been here since Monday. There was issues almost straight away as ss got angry at the claw machine but he and dp left the arcade and went for a walk to calm down as the arcade was busy so there was no way he'd have been able to calm down whilst in the arcade. My sister described him as a tantrumming toddler who didn't get his own way and said partner wasn't doing him any favours. I ignored her

He loves drawing and usually if you ask he will show what he's drawing but earlier he was at the table drawing and my niece (10) kept asking what he was drawing. He told her but she kept saying “show me show me” despite him saying no, she pulled his sketch book away from him which caused him to shout at her and she “accidentally” spilt her water on it. He was clearly very angry/upset and walked off to go to his room and she followed him and called him a baby, asked if he was going to cry etc, and he turned round and hit her and now he's being made out to be the bad guy

During this my sister was out with her other dc, my dp was in the shower and I was telling her multiple times to leave him alone and do something else even when she was repeatedly telling him to show her his drawing and she ignored me

My sister is now back and furious, she said she doesn't want her children to share a space with a “violent man”, and has even mentioned going to the police and social services on us if we're happy to have him around our children as he's not related to us when asked where he should go she just replied care

AIBU to think she's overreacting? I know SS shouldn't have hit her and he knows this too but she hasn't apologised for her part in deliberatly winding him up and sister says she doesn't need to as she's a child and he's nearly an adult

Naaah, if this is real it's a JOKE!

DNiece sounds annoying BUT SHE'S TEN!!!

He is fifteen, FFS!

A divorce and a temper is no excuse for him hitting a much younger child, especially a girl!

To say they were 'equally' in the wrong is an INSANE level of delusion!

I hope Dis does call the Police because she's right - he is being babied and his anger issues minimised to a worrying level and next time he hits out in temper he could either meet fists/.kicks himself or be of an age where he ends up in prison.

DH needs to do stop making excuses for DSS and give him a huge bollocking before it's too late.

THIS. In SPADES!

She “deserved” a smack? From a 15 year old boy, when she’s… 10

Imagine this boy at school
If / when his classmates ever wind him up

terrifying

You and your DH are in the wrong here. A 15 year old boy hitting a 10 year old is a massive concern and you’re minimising it again and again. His behaviour is unacceptable.

I wouldn’t want my children anywhere near yours until he learns not to be violent and aggressive.

How did he hit her? A punch in the face is different to a slap on the arm (though yes he shouldn’t do either)

I agree with this. The sister needs to look at her parenting.

The thing is though, it was an escalation of juvenile behaviour by both of them, not one single event.

She pestered to see his notebook for a while and eventually grabbed it..

He then shouted at her..

water was then spilled on it (assuming in the grapple).

He walked off

She called him a baby and asked if he was going to cry..

He hit her..

OP had plenty of time to step in and stop the pestering, and she should absolutely have stepped in as soon as SS started shouting at niece, he is prone to out of proportion anger and violence so any potential situation with other children should be de-escalated immediately, not left to chance, no matter who "started it".. as the person responsible for both children at the time this is 100% OPs fuckup.

Sister should be supervising her own kid.

At 15 if he has not gone through puberty yet you should take him to a doctor.

If he has gone through puberty then he absolutely is strong enough to hurt a ten year old girl. Even if he’s not much taller than her he will be much stronger than her.

If I was your sister I would be calling the police to have him arrested for assault.

Whatever help he is getting is not enough.

That he’s only 5’5 is irrelevant. At 15 he has a strength that is not in any way equivalent to that of a 10 year old girl.

It would have been one thing if he’d have verbally snapped back, but he escalated it to actual violence. That he 1, thinks this acceptable, and 2, actually did it, are major red flags, and ones that needs to be tackled now. The wider context of his troubled background only further emphasizes the need to do this, not make allowances.

When serious crimes are committed, ‘why won’t the warning signs heeded?’ is a common refrain. Well, this is one of those warning signs, and taking it seriously isn’t ’overreacting’.

ETA: that isn’t to say that your niece didn’t behave badly. She did, but it did not justify his response.

OP has said she was feeding her baby at the time. .

The niece ignored her requests to stop.

These events can happen really quickly

Was she asking for it OP?

Some of the responses on here are astonishing. As is your attitude. It is never OK for a 15 year old male to hit a 10 year old female.

The 10 year old sounds awful but they shouldn't be left together. Your sister is still right. He is a young adult and he cannot control his anger. His mother needs tp deal with it.

You are under-reacting to his violence. The excuses and explanations (his past, 'he is working on it', etc) will do no good at all when he hurts someone.

He and your DP need to understand right now how very outrageous this was. No matter the baiting or the mocking, he does not hit. He was in no physical danger that required a violent response.

Today the 10 year old niece, tomorrow his girlfriend, his wife, his stepmother. Your blaming the 10 year old is classic 'she made me do it'.

It does not matter that she was being a horrid, insensitive little shit (and she was). Not at all. Really, really accept that.

@lifeturnsonadime OP isnt the only one saying the girl was asking for it ... sometimes here I think I've wandered into the Daily Mail comments page.

When you ask yourself this op how could you possibly think the child who is legally old enough to be arrested for his assault on a child was anywhere near in the right or that the 10 year old was just as bad as someone assaulting her.

Not a free pass. She had to work really, really hard at upsetting him before he hit her.

Newsflash, 10 year old girls are annoying. It needs to be corrected but everything you described is fairly normal, especially given that he was allowed to shout in her face.
You seem quick to justify him shouting and hitting but don't seem to offer her the same grace.
However, I would not say it is developmentally normal for a 15 year old to clump a 10 year old.
Scraps among teenage boys are of course not unusual, but clumping a primary school child isn't normal. At 15 I would expect him to brush it off.

Like others have said, you were the adult in charge. You should have sat between them if you thought he couldn't tolerate what is fairly normal behaviour for a 10 yo. It's peak age to wind others up. At 10 she's testing the boundaries. She should have been put in her place before it escalated.

If he needs to be taken for a walk to calm down because he can't cope with an arcade game then he should have been taken back home to the hotel by his dad until he can get a grip.

I assume you've already got him in therapy?

I would also consider working on yourself. The language you used is that your niece "caused" him to shout at her. Then surely his tantrum caused her to call him a baby?

What the 15 year old did was wrong but he did at least try to walk away which gives some hope that he can learn strategies here. It sounds like his dad is trying to work on it with him as well.

This 10 year old sounds vile, I'd be absolutely furious with my DC if they treated someone like that. After seeing such unnecessarily spiteful behaviour I'd be very careful having her around your young children without you.

What type of 'hit' are we taking about? There's a big difference between hurting with a fist, that pushes on the floor and left a mark and a slight slap on the arm that leaves no mark.

The ss shouldn't have become violent, of course, and I hope his df is addressing that.

But why on earth didn't you step in to tell off dneice and move her away earlier?

This boy nearly man needs professional help. You and his dad aren’t even professionals and I’d suggest asking ss for an inpatient facility to help him. He’s going to end up in prison by the time he’s 16 otherwise

He was upset by an arcade game so I don't believe it took a lot. No matter how annoying a child is you don't get to hit them. They both sound like brats but one brat is capable of doing long lasting damage if he can't control himself.

Also never let kids play claw games. They're a scam.