To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

[PapaSteel]

I've been with my partner for 8 years and we have dc together, he has a son from his previous relationship. He's 15 and not his bio son but he's been in his life since he was young and he sees him as his dad

Alot happened when we got together as his ex would tell SS that DP didn't want to see him anymore now he was dating me which wasn't true at all. She was physically & verbally abusive towards him and he's been living with us since he was 13 (after he told school about howHe has a lot of trauma and anger which school are supportive about and outside of school he gets help on how to manage the anger and he is a lot better than he was but the anger is still there so we are just patient with him

We're currently on holiday with my sister and her 2 dc and have been here since Monday. There was issues almost straight away as ss got angry at the claw machine but he and dp left the arcade and went for a walk to calm down as the arcade was busy so there was no way he'd have been able to calm down whilst in the arcade. My sister described him as a tantrumming toddler who didn't get his own way and said partner wasn't doing him any favours. I ignored her

He loves drawing and usually if you ask he will show what he's drawing but earlier he was at the table drawing and my niece (10) kept asking what he was drawing. He told her but she kept saying “show me show me” despite him saying no, she pulled his sketch book away from him which caused him to shout at her and she “accidentally” spilt her water on it. He was clearly very angry/upset and walked off to go to his room and she followed him and called him a baby, asked if he was going to cry etc, and he turned round and hit her and now he's being made out to be the bad guy

During this my sister was out with her other dc, my dp was in the shower and I was telling her multiple times to leave him alone and do something else even when she was repeatedly telling him to show her his drawing and she ignored me

My sister is now back and furious, she said she doesn't want her children to share a space with a “violent man”, and has even mentioned going to the police and social services on us if we're happy to have him around our children as he's not related to us when asked where he should go she just replied care

AIBU to think she's overreacting? I know SS shouldn't have hit her and he knows this too but she hasn't apologised for her part in deliberatly winding him up and sister says she doesn't need to as she's a child and he's nearly an adult

Sorry but that's not normal 10 year old behaviour. She shouldn't have been hit but I'd be disgusted if my DC behaved like that.

And all the while you sat there like a potato watching

TBH I always assume they’ve got family members like this themselves, and they just don’t like to hear the truth.

If he’s have called her a brat and told her to fuck off then sure, whilst not great it would have been more understandable. He didn’t though, he escalated massively by becoming violent towards a 10 year old girl.

As annoying and unpleasant as she undoubtedly was, that’s not normal.

I’ve only just realised this. If OP were there then they would have stepped in if nieces behaviour was so terrible. Obviously the children were left alone for some period of time. Which begs the question, is the boy telling the whole truth about nieces behaviour? We don’t know do we? It seems that everyone is agreement that the physically assault happened. A 15YO boy and a 10YO girl being left alone is not ideal to be honest is it, it’s for the best they all have a break and don’t leave them alone together. The things a 15YO boy might access on a device that wouldn’t be appropriate for a 10YO to hear. It was a recipe for disaster to start with.

You are not being unreasonable

Are you male?

His childhood experience from his mother isn’t a get out of jail card.

He has assaulted a 10 year old child and the excuse if his mum abused him as a child.

If you as the current adult in charge of the children cannot keep them safe from him you shouldn’t be in charge of them because you failed knowing he is volatile. You know he gets mad and clearly loses his shit.

A ten-year-old girl who doesn't respect the word no is a brat. A teenage boy who doesn't respect the word no is a rapist. So your sister is very much in the wrong for allowing her daughter to get away with this behaviour. Of course SS shouldn't have hit her, but he grew up learning that violence is the answer and is now in the process of unlearning that. And it is a process, it won't happen overnight. SS didn't hit her when she kept asking to see his drawing when he'd made it clear he didn't want to show her. He didn't hit her when she spilled water on his work. It sounds like he recognised that he was feeling angry and walked away before he lashed out. That could be huge progress for him, and if niece hadn't followed and deliberately tried to get him to lash out (because it sounds like she knew exactly what she was doing), he could now be celebrating managing a challenging situation very well.

I'm sorry OP, it appears that the majority of the posters' children have had no past trauma to deal with so can't compute this isn't just an older bully boy. I completely hear that you do not condone your SS behaviour in any way but just wish that a apology was forthcoming for her small part in this.

I hope this doesn't escalate more and your SS gets all the help he needs. Good luck x

Not overreacting. Being annoying and being physically violent are two different things.

Reading this there were plenty of opportunities for you and your partner as well as her mum to intervene and prevent things from escalating. He even walked off! Someone should have stopped the girl from annoying him cause you know he is a ticking bomb. However once he lashes out he's in the wrong. He needs to do something to let out his anger. Boxing? Gym?

This! He shouldn't have hit her but she shouldn't have kept on annoying him. Frankly if you keep poking a dog you are gonna get bit! She was just doing it to get a reaction from him for entertainment and cos her mum wasn't about to tell her off. Obviously explain potential consequences of such things to ur SS but serves her right i say. Poor lad deserves someone in his corner as frankly it sounds he hasn't had much of that in his life. Once he feels safe and secures and works on his past trauma he will be fine x

The 10yo wasn’t just ‘annoying’ - her behaviour was deeply, deeply unpleasant, and I would be ashamed if any of my children behaved like this. She goaded him relentlessly, even following him when he tried to walk away, until he snapped. That’s not justification for him hitting/shoving her, but painting him as the aggressor in this situation is not correct.

If the sexes were reversed this would be characterised as reactive abuse, and there would be a lot more support for the woman. That said, the fact that it was the boy who hit is not irrelevant, both because he is significantly older and because he is always going to be the physically dominant one in any interaction with a girl or woman, and he needs to learn to control his anger better. Which it sounds like you’re doing your best to help him to do, OP. He’s just not there yet.

I would stay away from your sister as much as possible for now, and continue to give your SS the support he needs.

The sister was out, the partner in the shower.

Op was meant to be watching all the children.

Ah so now because it's busy and hot that's the reason?! You've got a lot of excuses for his behaviour.
He's presumably about to start Year 11? And she's in primary school.
Rather than telling him to do something else, perhaps he should have been taken away from the arcade. If my 3yo threw a tantrum and started hitting she would be taken home.
Trauma is not an excuse. You have been awarded the opportunity to make a real difference in this 15yo's life after a difficult childhood. You'll do him no favours justifying violence. You need firm boundaries and consequences. When children get therapy it's usually the adults who really need it because so often they're enabling unhelpful behaviour.

If he's getting wound up by arcade game you say, let's go do something else.
If he refuses you say, we can either do something else or we can go home, your choice.
You aren't intervening soon enough. If he's needed to go for a walk then you've waited too long. Firm boundaries, consequences explained before you arrive. Good luck.

Honestly, I don’t care what the fuck someone has been through if they hurt my child.

He did this to a 10 year old girl over something innocuous in front of an adult.

Now imagine him alone, with a teen girl he fancies, who pisses him off for some reason. Terrifying. And he could have had the worst childhood on the planet. I wouldn’t give a flying fig if the teen girl in question was my daughter

Dogs that bite get put down. Probably not the best analogy to fall back on to excuse him.

It's horrible being 15 at the best of times. He'll be full of hormones he doesn't know how to manage which will be fuelling his temper, and to have trauma from what he's gone through on top of that. I can't see this situation being easily diffused now, and everyone who isn't you or his dad is poking the bear and making things worse for everyone. I'd cut my losses and go home.

He knows he's done wrong, but he needs to see you're on his side. It's not about him getting away with his behaviour, when you're all home and when things are calmer with him, that's when to talk to him about it all, and come up with strategies for dealing with other people who are keen to push his buttons for their own amusement.

Anger was never calmed by meeting it with additional anger, calmness and kindness are what he needs. But until he can find that calm, I'd cut the holiday short, go home, order his favourite pizza and give him a big hug. Good luck with it all.

I wasn't just sat there, they were across the room and I was feeding my baby. I told niece many times to stop it/leave him alone/go do her own thing but she didn't. She's a few days off 11, not a toddler she shouldn't have to be physically removed as posters have suggested by me grabbing her by the arm (and sister would likely have found issue with this anyway). She's old enough to know when to leave people alone and respect boundaries, she's going into secondary school.

At school if she's told no and to stop doing something she won't be removed by a teacher (not physically anyway)they just expect her to listen and do as she's told.

put baby down and stop what was very clearly an seriously escalating situation

instead you sat, feeding your baby and mildly asking them to stop

If she is old enough to know better then he damn well is.

Stop making excuses for the fact a 15 year old boy hit/punched a 10 year old girl.

@OnlyMabelInTheBuilding that's the thing, you can't always avoid people who will lash out if provoked. The niece may well meet children with anger issues at school. If her behaviour doesn't change, then she may well find herself in a similar situation. People need to understand that there are a lot of unstable individuals in the world and they are in our schools, the pub, driving on the roads etc. And there are people who won't hold back because the niece is a girl. She can't go through life deliberately winding people up and thinking there will be no comeback. Her mum is doing her a huge disservice in allowing her to think this is in no way a consequence of her own behaviour.
It's good that OPs step son tried to use the strategies he's been taught and is in therapy. But in life, not everyone

The niece behaved very badly, but I would not ask her to apologise to a teen boy that hit her. I would give my sister a bollocking and say fine go on then call child services, and we can explain your 10yo just got so mad at not being allowed to use her big cousins stuff that she deliberately ruined it. Niece wasn’t an abused child, what’s your thinking for why she’s so rude? Child services will not leave thinking you’re an amazing protective mum that’s for sure.
The boy needs lots of help with his anger and to know that he can never hit smaller people, and I’d steer clear of your sister and her children for a while.

Did you suggest your DSS remove himself from the situation?

He had options that didn't involve hitting 10 year old girl.

@PapaSteel I’m pretty sure the 10 year old did deserve a slap but no one should be hitting anyone especially a 15 year old hitting a 10 year old.

If this blows over, teach your 15 year old to actually say rather than do. He should have put her in her place with his words; saying ‘you really do deserve a slap’. And then walk off. She’d be taken back from being called out on her bratty behaviour.